Barbarian's Prize(3)
“Shhh,” I tell her, because Josie gets loud when she gets startled. “Seriously, Jo, be quiet!”
She lies back down and all is silent for a moment. I hear the endless drip from the interior of the cavern and the sound of someone shuffling around in the main cave, beyond the privacy screen that covers the entrance to our shared nook.
“You would really leave?” Josie asks again after a moment. “Seriously, Tiff?”
“Seriously.” I hug my leather-stuffed pillow close to my body, imagining it. It’s a scenario I’ve planned out in my mind for a while. I have to have a back-up plan. I have to be able to take care of myself. Georgie and the others have commented on how I’m such a hard worker and I’m picking up on all the skills we’ve been taught so quickly. I can make a fire faster than anyone else. I can skin a carcass in no time flat. I can dig a pit trap. I can tan my own hides. I’m doing everything I can, because I don’t want to be dependent on staying here.
Living on my own would be hard. Living with someone I don’t like and letting them touch me? Ten times harder.
“I can’t believe you’d just leave,” Josie whispers, and she sounds heartbroken.
I feel guilty. She’s taking it badly. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s been a secret I’ve been harboring ever since we’ve landed, and even being here almost a year and a half hasn’t made me change my mind. I’ve accepted that we’ll never go home, that I’m going to live on a planet full of ice for the rest of my life, and I’ll never wear a bikini or shop at a mall or even have real shampoo ever again. I’ve made my peace with life here.
But I won’t become someone’s property to use and abuse ever again.
The sa-khui are wonderful to their mates, of course. Liz and Raahosh fight, but I think it’s because they enjoy picking at each other. Aehako dotes on Kira, Vektal worships the ground Georgie walks on, and even Ariana’s mate adores her. No one has an abusive mate.
But no one had a choice, either. And the others weren’t raped by the aliens. Just me and Josie. Krissy was, but she died in the crash. Dominique was and it broke her mind. She ran out into the snow and froze to death because she was so terrified of it happening again. The others couldn’t understand it.
I could.
I’m no good to anyone as a mate. I lock up in terror at the thought of someone touching me. I tried to be like Josie when we first got here. One night Rokan was flirting with me, inviting me to his furs. He’s good looking and easy on the eyes, and I was feeling vulnerable, so I went with him. The moment he touched me? I freaked out. I told everyone it was because of his spur and that I didn’t know how to handle it. That I’d thought the spur was a joke. But we never even made it that far. The moment he caressed my shoulder, I lost my shit and ran away screaming.
Poor Rokan. He’s never looked at me twice since. I can’t blame the guy. I’m a head case.
I hear Josie sniff.
“Are you crying?” I demand.
“I just…I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave,” she says sadly. “I can stand being alone because you’re here with me and we’re in this together. But if you leave, what do I do? I don’t want to be the only one left behind.”
I know what she means. To Josie, being the only one utterly rejected by her khui’s attempts at matchmaking would be devastating. She so desperately wants love and family. Poor Josie. My heart squeezes in sympathy. “It won’t matter,” I tell her lightly. “You’ll be too busy popping out babies for Tall, Dark, and Horny.”
She giggles and then there’s no more sniffling.
I feel better that she’s no longer sad, and relax in my furs. We talk a little longer – though not about resonance – and eventually Josie drifts back off to sleep. I lie awake for a bit longer, because I know the moment I close my eyes, the dreams are going to return. They always do, and I’m not ready to face them. I’m never ready to face any of it.
I’ll have to at some point, but for now, I’m putting things off as long as possible.
• • •
When the guard takes me back to the holding cell, the others are watching me with wide, solemn eyes. I can feel my lip puffing up from where he hit me, and I feel raw all over. I’m especially raw between my legs but I feel the most raw in my head, like something is broken and can’t be fixed no matter how I arrange my clothing so it looks like nothing happened.
They put me back in the holding cell and I squeeze in between Krissy and Megan. Kira’s watching me with knowing eyes, and Liz has an arm around Josie, whose shoulders shake with silent sobs.