Barbarian’s Mate(20)

His frown deepens. “This happens…often?”

“Not often, but enough that there were a lot of children there. And I was a pretty miserable kid. I had a lot of ear infections and so I was always screaming and crying. No one wanted to mess with me for long. I was older when I got my first set of foster parents and, well, they just wanted the checks.” I realize a moment later that he’s not going to understand what that means, and I explain to him. “That means that other people paid them in goods to look after me. They didn’t want me. Just the goods. They had many children like me in their home so they could get many, many goods.” It wasn’t a great place, but it also wasn’t the worst place. “I was there for four years. After that, I got moved again. And again. And again. No one wanted me. Some people would say the timing wasn’t right, or I was too old and they were looking for someone younger. Or they had their hands full or were about to get a job transferred and so they’d send me back. And at a few places…” I swallow hard. “Um. A few families wanted me for the wrong reasons.”

“What reasons are worse than taking care of a child in exchange for goods?” His lip curls, the expression in his eyes unfathomable.

Bless his heart, he truly has no idea. “Some men like to…” Oh gosh, how to say it delicately? “Take pleasure from small children. And I looked really young for a very long time.”

His mouth parts, and then his fangs bare in a hiss. “Someone let your caretaker touch you? While you were a kit?” His words are an explosion of anger. “This is done in your world?”

More often than I like to think about, but I don’t say the words aloud. I just nod, my skin crawling with old, bad memories. Memories that I don’t allow myself to cry over. Been there, done that. “I usually didn’t stay at those homes for very long. Just…long enough for someone to catch on.”

Haeden jerks to his feet, raking a hand through his hair. Did I think his tail was lashing before? It’s whipping furiously now as he paces. “You said ‘homes’. This was done more than once?”

“A few times,” I say faintly. “Sometimes there are bad people in the system. You kind of learn to spot the creepers after a while. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re the only ones that want to take in a teenage girl.”

The flat of his hand slams against the wall. He snarls and rages back and forth, muttering furious words under his breath. I watch him, a little amazed at his violent reaction. He looks as if he’s about to truly lose his shit. He flings himself against a wall and slams a flat hand against it again, tail moving furiously. The entire bay shakes as he smacks the wall once more. He looks like he’s trying to pound it into submission.

And call me crazy, but it makes me feel…good. Someone cares enough about me to get angry on my behalf. I’ve never had that before. I’ve had social workers that just give me pitying looks, or the wives that give me a ‘Jezebel’ stare like I’ve done something to entice their husbands. But I’ve never really had someone totally go apeshit at the thought of me being abused. I shouldn’t like it, but I do. I like that he cares.

I would change nothing.

Strangely warm with pleasure, I get to my feet and move to his side. “Haeden,” I call softly. When I get his attention, I wave a bandaged hand in the air in front of him. “Hey. Don’t hurt yourself, okay?” I almost say I’m not worth it but I know, somehow, that would be wrong. To him, I am worth it. And that makes me feel even warmer. So I throw in a joke. “We can’t both hurt our hands, okay?”

He takes a deep breath, nostrils flaring, and then closes his eyes. Nods.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t like to think about it myself. It’s like your story with Zalah. It happened. It was bad. It’s not something you want to re-live over and over again. But do you understand now, why I’m scared? I can’t…I can’t live in a family with hate again. I can’t live with someone that doesn’t want me. I can’t raise a child like that.”

The look Haeden gives me is incredulous. “I do not hate you, Jo-see. How could you think that?”

I laugh. “How could I not? You’re mean to me! You always say shitty things like, ‘Humans are weak’ and ‘Josie should stay home from the hunt because she will drag us all down’.”

His jaw grits. “Humans are weak.” He touches my arm and then wraps his hand around it. “My fingers can go all the way around your small bones. You shiver in the warmest of breezes. One wrong footstep on a hunt and you will be ended. How can I not worry over you?”

Okay, so he’s not entirely wrong over that. “But that doesn’t mean I suck.”

Haeden’s brows draw together. “I did not say you ‘suck’. But I fear for you. And ever since you appeared, with your leg broken in many places, I have felt…” He closes a fist and presses it against his heart. “Something. A connection that has worried me. It has filled me with fear for endless days.”

Resonance? Maybe he felt it long before and I never did because of my stupid IUD? Well, that’s not entirely true, actually. I’ve felt a tug toward him, even when I didn’t want to. I’ve sought him out even when I was pissed at him, if only to rub it in his face. We’ve been drawn together like magnets since day one, sometimes attracting, sometimes repelling. Who can say that wasn’t just thwarted resonance?

Maybe this has been going on for longer than I imagined.

Wait. Fear? “You’re afraid? Of me?”

“Of losing you,” he rasps. “Like Zalah. And you are so much smaller and more fragile than her.”

Oh. I melt like butter at his words. My good feeling ebbs a little when I see the echo of stark terror in his eyes. He really is afraid I’m going to be so wimpy this planet will eat me alive. No wonder he freaks out when I leave the cave. No wonder he lost his ever-loving mind when I went alone to warn the tribal cave of the massive storm. He probably lost his shit when I disappeared on this journey, too.

I know his past, and it makes me realize that I’ve been unfair to him. All this time I’ve been flouncing because I haven’t had a choice in things, and I’ve been tearing him apart.

“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I didn’t realize. Can we…can we try to get along?”

He nods, and there’s no smile on his face, but that’s all right. It’s going to take time for either one of us to get used to this situation. But I guess it’s time for me to stop running.





13





JOSIE


The next morning, I wake up with the tip of a curved horn inches from my eyeball and my cootie purring happily. I blearily frown at the horn, trying to figure out where it’s coming from when I realize where I am and who’s curled up next to me.

Or rather, who’s curled up against me.

I vaguely remember falling asleep sitting up near the fire before Haeden picked me up and carried me to bed. I also vaguely remember still shivering despite the furs and him pressing his big body against mine to share his warmth. I don’t remember much after that, though, so I must have slept like a log.

My hands are still sleeved in the wraps, but my arms are tucked around his head. His face is pressed against my chest, where my cootie rumbles almost as loudly as his snoring does. His arms are wrapped tight around me and I have one leg thrown over his hip. We’re completely tangled together and I remain still, wondering if I should wake him up.

I shouldn’t be enjoying the feel of his body pressed against mine, I tell myself. This wasn’t what I chose. But he’s holding me as if I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and I’m warm and cuddled and I feel…loved. And I crave more of it. My fingers twitch and my nipples harden, and I can’t resist stroking his hair just to see what it feels like. It feels different than mine, I decide a moment later, each strand larger and somewhat coarser, but there’s so much thick hair it feels healthy and smooth.

He makes a little grunt in his throat and nuzzles against my chest. My breath catches because his lips are inches away from my aching nipples. Or at least they would be if I wasn’t wearing a leather tunic.

The spell is broken, though. He jerks awake and rears back, eyes blinking as he looks up at me and his gaze meets mine.

“Morning.”

Haeden grunts and then rolls away. “I must have grabbed you while I slept.” He doesn’t apologize, though. Instead, he heads to the front of the cave, grabbing his spear, and then peers out into the snowy landscape. When he’s satisfied that we’re safe, he turns back to me. “How do you feel?”

Disappointed? “I’m cool.”

He frowns. “You are cold?” He moves to my side and immediately starts to pile furs on my shoulders.

“I’m good. I’m good. I’m cool is just an expression.”

“Oh.” He brushes his fingers over my cheek and then jerks his hand away. “I am going to scout the area. Stay inside until I come back.”

I nod. I know it’s for our safety, but as he leaves, I find myself wishing he didn’t have to. That he could crawl back into bed with me, put his head back on my breast and we could just…cuddle for another hour or three. I’ve never been held for long, and that small taste just has me craving more.