Bang Gang(19)

I waited. And waited. My eyes wandered from face to face, and yet none  of them would meet my stare. They were all looking at Trent, every  single one of them.

I smiled a bitter smile, mainly to hide my upset. "Oh, I get it," I  said. "It's like that." I turned back to Darren. "You really are the  head honcho. Guess it feels good to be the big I am, casting judgement  on who's good enough to have a go."

"It's not like that," he said, but he was still angry, and so was I.

"Fine," I said, and I was already on my way back to the car. "I'll find  some other guys who'll give me a good time. You can't be the only  fucking gigolos around. The internet's a fucking wonderful thing."

I slammed the car door behind me, and got the hell out of there.





I got back to the Land Rover on the ramp, launching a kick at pile of tyres as I went. Fucking hell. Just what the fucking hell?

My temples were pounding, jaw so tight I had an annoying twitch  flickering away. My anger was low and hard, bubbling under the surface  like a fucking volcano about to blow.

The guys left me well alone for an hour or so, and it was Buck who  brought me a cup of tea over. I guess Petey was too fucking scared.

"Wanna talk about it?" he said, propping himself against the rig.

"No," I snapped. "Not fucking really."

Buck didn't give a shit. "That was well fucking off, mate. She had a point."

"And what fucking point would that be?"

He shrugged. "We're normally not so fucking picky. She knows it. We know  it. She wants a go and why shouldn't she? Everyone else in this poxy  village is after some."

"She's different."

He nodded. "Alright, but how so? You've been split a long fucking time, mate."

"She just is," I barked. "Leave it, Buck. Just fucking leave it."

He slapped a hand on my shoulder before he left me to it. "I think  you're making a mistake. You ain't gonna want to hear this shit, but I'm  going to say it anyway. I've known Jodie a long time, we all have. You  tore her a new asshole out there for wanting what everyone else wants,  for wanting to live a fucking fantasy. And why shouldn't she? Why the  fuck shouldn't she, Trent? We've taken enough money from women in her  shoes, why not offer her the same fucking courtesy?"

"As if it's about fucking courtesy. Are you that fucking greedy for the  money?" I stormed away, practically swung the office door from its  hinges. I grabbed a wedge of notes from the till. Buck didn't even  flinch as I threw them in his direction. "If you're that desperate for  the fucking cash, Buck, then take it and get the fuck out of my face for  the rest of the fucking day."                       
       
           



       

Buck gathered up the notes with a sigh. He tapped them on the side,  lined them all up, then left them there. He held up his hands. "Alright,  I'll leave it. Just forget I said anything."

As if I'd be able to forget about this fucking mess anytime soon.

He got back to work without another word, and so did I.





I heard nothing from Darren for three days. I dropped the girls at the  yard after school and he dropped them outside the house when they were  ready to come home. That was it, no texts, no polite conversation on the  front doorstep, nothing.

I saw him through the cafe window on Thursday lunchtime, making his way  to the village shop for cigarettes no doubt, but he didn't even glance  in my direction, and I made damned sure I wouldn't have been looking his  way if he had.

Tonya said he was jealous. I told her that was ridiculous. It wasn't me  who'd wanted to marry the next person I hooked up with in his wake. It  wasn't me who was fucking the whole fucking village without a care in  the world.

Darren Trent wasn't jealous.

He was an asshole.

And he didn't see me as a woman, not anymore. That was the bottom line. I  was just Mum. That's how he saw me, and in that deep dark place in my  heart that's how I'd feared he'd seen me for a long, long time. Since  I'd had the girls, in fact. It never felt quite the same after.

Maybe that's what killed us, ultimately.

Maybe I'd stopped being a woman in his eyes before I'd stopped being a woman in my own.

But I was a woman again now, even if he refused to see it. I kept hold  of myself, kept putting that makeup on every morning, kept making the  effort to feel like me.

And it worked. It really worked.

Maybe I didn't care so much what Darren Trent thought after all.

I realised that was a lie when I found his truck next to mine in the  cafe car park at closing. I walked quickly, straight to my door,  ignoring him until he was out of his and close enough to my side that he  could put an arm across the door handle. I ignored him like he didn't  matter, but my heart was racing and my mouth was dry, my whole body  thrumming with anger and upset and something else.

"What?" I said, then looked around him, stared back at his empty truck.  I'd asked Tonya to drop Mia and Ruby down at the garage, since I was  working late, and yet there was no sign of them.

"They're at Mum and Dad's," he said. "I'm here to see you."

"Well, you've seen me now." I went to push his arm away. He wouldn't budge.

"I want to talk," he said just as the sky opened up and started pissing  itself down. Great. "Please, Jo," he said. "Just get in the truck a  minute."

I made a big old sigh out of it before I relented. I hauled myself into  the passenger seat, stared straight through the windscreen at the rain  outside.

It took him a while to speak.

"Why do you want to do it?"

I shot him a look of surprise. "What?"

"The sex," he said. "Why? I didn't have you down as the orgy type."

I shrugged. "Maybe you had me down wrong then."

He smirked. "Thought I knew you pretty well, Jodie. You never fucking  mentioned having a fucking gangbang. I'd have remembered, believe me."

I relaxed into the seat, tried to work out the right words. "I didn't  think about it back then. We were …  everything. And then we weren't." I  paused but didn't look at him. "Since then I've been …  Brian wasn't … " I  sighed. "I didn't feel like me. I haven't felt like me in a long fucking  time."

"And now you do?"

I smiled, kept staring at the rain. "I'm getting there."

"And banging four fucking guys will get you further there, will it?"

Four. He said four.

"I dunno, Darren. I just want to live again. Mandy Taylor shot her mouth  off and it sounded good. It sounded really good. I couldn't stop  thinking about it, couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel  to live that kind of fantasy. I want to feel like that." I took a  breath. "I miss sex. I miss crazy, intense, fantastical, amazingly hot,  fuck-me-harder sex. I'm still a woman, Trent. I still watch porn, I  still get off every night to the thought of some crazy wild night where I  get lost in the fantasy. I'm still … "                       
       
           



       

"I get it," he said. "You want the big bang, the explosion. You want the  same primal shit they all go on about. I hear it all the time."

I closed my eyes. "I guess you do."

"Why the guys? Why not some randoms from online dating?"

"Because I know the guys. I know I'd be safe. I know I could let myself  go and enjoy it for what it is, and not be freaking out that I've made  some godawful mistake and landed myself in a load of shit I can't get  myself out of."

"But you'll do it anyway, if I say no? You'll find some randoms and do it anyway?"

"I don't know," I said, honestly. "Maybe." I risked a laugh. "Christ,  Darren, I've been virtually celibate for more years than I care to  remember. I don't want to end up in a nunnery, I want to get laid, just  as much as every other woman around here. Just as much as the other  women you …  service."

"But you're different," he said. "This would be different."

Would be.

"Why so?"

"Just because," he said, then held up his hands. "I wouldn't have to be  involved, that's not what I'm saying, but you know these guys. We know  these guys. Our girls know these guys."

The thought of the girls made my stomach lurch. "And I trust these guys.  Hell, Darren, I trust our girls with these guys. I know they'll give me  what I'm looking for without any nasty repercussions. It's a one-off,  just a crazy, ridiculous, horny one-off." I sighed, wished he'd offer me  one of his bloody cigarettes. "I'm not going to beg you, I get that  your word goes and no means no. I just wish you'd give me the same  courtesy you give every other woman who wants a go."