Bang Gang(14)

"Well, congratulations!" I said. "And I'm touched by the gesture, but  that money's yours. You should spend it on you." I gestured to her own  pile of maybes back in the changing room.

"Don't like them," she lied. "I think I'll probably need to lose a couple of inches first."

"Whatever, Tonya." I laughed. "I know you're trying to save me and all  that, and I appreciate it, I really do. I appreciate it more than you  could ever know, truly, but I'm not taking that money from you. No way."  I yanked back the clothes before she could protest. "I'll get the  bodycon dress, as a one-off ridiculous splurge, and I'll wear it on a  night out. You can buy me a drink or two with your winnings, deal?"

"Not really," she said. She fumbled in her handbag pulled out a handful  of notes. A big handful. "I already got the cash out. I wanted to give  it to you."

I felt a strange tickle of gratitude in my chest, but I forced it aside.  I took her hand, pushed that cash back in her purse. "No," I said.  "Thank you, but no. Spend it on you, please. You deserve it more than I  do." I smiled. "My lucky day will come. Maybe I should get a scratch  card myself, eh? Maybe we're onto a winning streak?"

She looked thoroughly fucking mortified. "Please don't do this," she  said. "Those clothes look amazing on you. I know you want them. I know  you feel good in them, I can see it written all over you."

"They're only clothes!" I said. I ignored my pained heart. "It doesn't  matter, Tonya. I got my hair done. That's a start, right?"

"Please, Jodie." She stared right at me. "I want to do this."

I closed my eyes, shook my head. By the time I opened them again I was  as strong as steel. "And I really want you to spend the money on you."

I hung the rejected items on the no rack and made an exit, but every  step towards the register and the inevitable exit beyond grew harder. My  mind went to the forbidden zone, to that extra card in my purse, the  one I never use. The one I've never even considered using, not since  Darren and I nearly came to blows over my plans to use it for Disneyland  for the kids.

No, he'd said. No fucking way, Jodie. We'll find a way to pay for Disney  ourselves. This isn't what that money's for. This isn't what Pops meant  it to be for!

I checked in my purse and there it was, the pristine plastic tucked  cosily behind my standard dog-eared debit card. I pulled it out and  rubbed it between my fingers, got a feel for it.

Tonya saw me and sucked in breath. "Pop Pop's money?!" She nodded. "Oh  yes. Yes! This definitely counts! One hundred percent!" She tugged me  back to the changing rooms and I had to dig my heels in to slow down.

"I don't know," I said. "The will said it was for me only. For  experiences of a lifetime." I gestured to the clothes. "I'm really not  sure this counts. It's just some clothes. Pops worked hard for that  money …  I don't want to waste it … " Tears pricked at the thought, at the  memory of having the five grand transferred to my savings account and  knowing it was his final gift. His instructions had been clear.

This is for Jodie, and Jodie only. It is to be spent on life. On living  the dream. On the experiences of a lifetime, just for her, courtesy of  old Pop Pop.

Tonya squeezed my arm, squeezed it hard. "Pops would count this as  living," she said. "Pops would know how hard you've worked, how hard  you've tried, know everything you've sacrificed to bring those girls  up." She smiled, and she was sad, too. "It's your time," she said. "The  time you find yourself again. This is an experience of a lifetime." She  sighed. "Please, Jo, if you're not going to let me buy these clothes for  you, then at least let Pops do it. I know he'd want to."                       
       
           



       

I looked at the clothes again, and she was right. He would want to. I know he would.

"I feel good in them," I mumbled to myself. "It's so nice to feel good  again." I looked at the scarlet top, remembered how amazing I'd felt in  it. "Maybe this really is the experience of a lifetime  –  finding myself  again after all this time. Maybe it's the start of a whole new world."

Tonya nodded. "Definitely."

Could I do this?

I weighed it up, back and forth. I mean, once I'd started spending it,  would I be able to stop? It's a slippery slope, right? This living. I'd  got used to scrimping and saving, used to making do and putting the kids  first, putting Nanna first, putting the essentials first. The  non-essentials, too, just so long as they weren't for me.

Moment of truth and I let my heart make the call. I walked quickly,  quickly enough that my frugal, responsible self couldn't step in and  trash the whole thing for me. I handed the clothes over at the register  and presented the card with a flourish.

I keyed in the numbers I'd memorised by heart and waited for the transaction to go through.

It went through just fine.

Tonya said very little as we exited the store. I don't think she could quite believe it.

She was even more surprised when I walked a circuit back through our  previous locations for the rest of the maybe-I'll-come-back-for-thems  too.

Living sure felt good.



"I didn't spend much of it, not really," I justified as Tonya and I piled through my front door.

She dropped her bags in the hallway next to mine. "I know that. It's you who's having the problem with it."

Not a problem enough to take any of the items back, nor the cute little  owl tunics I'd picked up for the girls, either. Or the plum silk  headscarf I'd grabbed for Nanna. We could all live a little today, push  the boat out.

"Wine?" I asked. "Just the one. A girly end to our girly day." I checked  the clock, Darren would be bringing the girls back any time now. My  stomach flipped at the thought. Ridiculous. Like he hadn't brought them  home a million times before in the past seven years.

But not when I've had a freshly chopped, dark-cherry bob and a full face of makeup.

I grabbed a couple of glasses and asked Nanna if she was joining us. No,  she said after gushing about my hair awhile. She only drinks on special  occasions. Christmas and birthdays and Sundays. Sometimes a Saturday  too. She was about to watch Question King anyway. She'd leave us girls  to it.

Girls. I loved the way she still called us that.

Tonya let out a sigh, dropped into a seat at the dining table and held up her glass. "To new beginnings."

I laughed. "To cherry-red haircuts, and gangbanging mechanics." I paused. "And to Pops."

"To Pops," Tonya agreed.

We clinked glasses and took a healthy swig. I kicked back in the chair  opposite, cast aside my heels and let my aching feet breathe.

"So," Tonya said, and she had that mischievous look I'd come to know so  well over the years. "Since every other horny bitch in the village is  chomping at the clit for some Bang Gang servicing, where do you sit on  it?"

I almost spat my wine out. "Sorry?!"

She scoffed at me. "Jodie Symmonds, like I don't know you. Don't even  try and tell me you haven't thought about it, no matter how pissed off  you are."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, but my cheeks were scorching.

She laughed. "I knew it." Her grin was wide. "Bodywand? Many times over, right? Was it about Trent? He featured, right?"

"Shh!" I chided. "Nanna!" But Nanna was well out of earshot and I knew it.

Tonya's eyes twinkled. "If it's good enough for Mandy big-gob Taylor and the rest of the village, why not?"

"Because … " I began. "Because …  Darren …  because the girls … " I lowered my  voice. "Because it's been ages, I might have forgotten what the fuck I'm  supposed to do." I let out a giggle. "It's probably bloody healed up by  now. I'm a reborn virgin." I smirked to myself. "Brian wasn't exactly …   adventurous."                       
       
           



       

She groaned. "Brian was such a boring douchebag. Fuck knows how you even ended up with that loser."

"You know how I ended up with him."

"Yeah, yeah. I know the version you told me at the time."

I smiled. "Internet dating, like I said."

"Boring Dudes dot com?"

Oh my poor cheeks at the thought of the real story. Me looking for some  casual hook-ups to finally get me over Darren, looking for guys who  could fuck me senseless and make me feel like a woman again. Risky guys.  Wild guys. Guys who'd make me bow-legged and exhausted for days to  come. Only I'd found the safe option. Mr Thirty-grand Salary. Mr  Respectable. Mr Safe As Fucking Houses.