Ballad:Rockstar 05(15)

I nod, fighting the thousand-pound weight that just hit my chest. Anger,  fear, guilt, panic, and love all war for their place at the top of my  emotions. Right now love has to win out. Nicole needs that-and  support-more than anything right now. The rest can wait until I'm alone  with a case of beer and a country song.

Dr. Donovan walks up expressionless, looking at the numbers on the paper  that determine how sick or healthy this beautiful young woman is. Where  the fuck does cancer come from? Was it always here, from the dawn of  time, I mean? If not, then how the fuck did it get here? And why can't  we get rid of it? With all the money invested in finding a cure for this  shit, you'd think there'd be one by now. But there's not, and Nicole's  living proof of that. Fuck.

"So," she begins, "how bad is it?"

The doc looks at her, holding her gaze, which makes him one hell of a doctor-and man-in my opinion.

"It's not good."





Chapter 9




Ben



"What ya up to, man?" Lucian asks from behind me. Christ. Him of all people.

"Just what it looks like. I'm standing here trying to hold up the wall."

"And eyeing up our Blush Baby like she's a piece of candy and you're a diabetic who needs a sugar fix," he adds.

I shrug. "Maybe." There's no maybe about it. I'm eyeing her up like a  man who's been trapped in a dark cave for years and she's the sunlight.  She's it for me. I'm so fucked. But this bastard doesn't need to know  that.

"What are you doing?" Lucian questions.

"Didn't you just ask me that?" I say, turning to meet his stare.

"Nope. Totally different question, totally different meaning."

"Huh?" What'd he ask?

"So?"

I give Lucian a glare and he grins. That fucker.

"So?" he prompts.

"Fuck you, Lucian." I run a hand through my hair. God damn it. "I don't fucking know, man."

"You like her." It's not a question. Why would it be? It's more than obvious.

"It's a whole hell of a lot more than that," I admit, looking around to make sure no one can overhear.

"What's your deal? What are you waiting for?" he asks, his exasperation clear.

"What?" I ask, a little surprised. I thought …  I narrow my eyes.

"Don't act so surprised, dick. You know she'd choose you in a crowded  room of princes. You're her one," he tells me, sneer in place.

"Maybe, but-"

"Maybe, hell. There's no maybe about it, man, and what 'but'? There  shouldn't be any reason why you aren't with her. You feel the same as  she does. What the fuck is your problem?" he asks, fisting my collar and  pushing me back against the wall.

"What the fuck?" I ask, trying to give him a shove but the fucker isn't  moving. Last tour we had with him I could've shoved him easily. Heroin  was his drug of choice then. Now, by the looks of him, it's  weightlifting that takes the edge off.

"Why don't you just kiss the hell out of her and make her your girl already?" he asks, letting up on his grip-but only a little.

"She's too young, Lucian. I've done more than my fair share of living.  How fair of me would it be for me to tie her down at eighteen?" I  confess.

Lucian laughs and shakes his head. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, it's not-"

"You're so fucking stupid."

"Fuck off."

His hold tightens and he slams me back into the wall. "No, you fuck off  and you listen. Listen to me right now, Ben. I'm not a nice guy, not  when it comes to something I want, but I'm going to be a nice guy for  the next few minutes. Would you just stop and think about your reasoning  for a second? You've done your share of living, but she's too young and  she's got so much life to live? That's your reasoning?"

I don't say anything.

"Fucking idiot. She's got cancer man. No one knows just how much life  she's got to live. She passed out today," he tells me and my heart  sinks.

"What?" No. No. I wasn't there.

"She passed out and the doc ran some tests."         

     



 

"She's supposed to be in remission," I plead, panic filling my every pore, my body starting to shake.

"Remissions aren't guaranteed, Ben. You know this. I know you read up on  this shit, it's who you are. You love someone, you know everything  there is to know. She's not in remission anymore, Ben. She's sick," he  tells me.

I slump against the wall, all fight leaving my body. "How sick?"

"Does it matter?" he asks.

I shake my head. No. No, it doesn't matter. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Because you've been avoiding Nicole and everyone else has been  surrounding her. She's sick, Ben. Do you understand what that could  mean?" he asks, his tone soft. I look up at him and see the hurt. He's  hurting. For her. My girl. He was there for her. My girl.

I swallow hard. "I know what it means." I stand up straight and he lets  go of my shirt. I look out at the stage and for the first time I really  look at my girl. She's sitting. She never sits on stage. She's pale. And  she's sad-so fucking sad. Her eyes …

"Do you-" Lucian begins but I'm already walking. I'm striding across the  stage past Meggie who raises her brows. Past Jace and Trace. Behind  Luce, who has turned around, along with Sera, to watch me. They don't  miss a beat-or a word-just keep right on going with their sound check.

When I get to Nicole she's looking down. I know the second she sees my  boots and realizes it's me-she stiffens and takes a deep breath. I did  that to her. I made her wary of me. I'm such an asshole.

When she looks up at me, I drop to my knees in front of her. I wrap my  arms around her waist and bury my head in her lap, holding her tight. I  don't ever want to let go.

I don't know how long I hold her before she slowly, cautiously, puts her  hands on my back and I shiver. For so long I've wanted her hands on  me-innocent, sexual, I don't care. I just wanted her touch. And now I've  got it.

I look up into her tear-filled eyes.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

She sniffles.

"I made up excuses because I was afraid."

"Of what?" she whispers, and now's when I realize they've stopped playing.

"You. I knew if I had you, I'd never let you go. But, sunshine, you're  so young. I thought you'd be with me, get tired, and then go off wanting  to live the rest of your life." She opens her mouth and I put my index  finger over it. She huffs and I smirk. She's so damn cute. "But I'm done  wasting time. I'm done being a fucking idiot." She nods at this and my  smirk grows. "Nicole, swear to Christ, you're the most exasperating  woman I've ever met." She glares now. "But you're also the sweetest,  sexiest, most beautiful …  you're it for me. You walked on that bus and I  felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks filled with all those red hearts  you women daydream about-only these filled my belly and my heart."

"No, sunshine, no waterworks," I tell her when her tears begin to fall.  "I know you're with Lucian-sorta-so I'll understand if you need some  time to work things out, but I hope you'll give me the chance I've been  wasting since the day we met. I hope you'll let me love you how you  deserve to be loved," I whisper against her lips.

No pause. Not even a second before she launches herself at me, her arms  thrown around my neck, her legs around my waist. I sit back on my heels  and hold her to me, burying my face in her neck.

"You're so dumb, Ben Kingston," she whispers.

I nod. "I know."

"Is this because I'm sick?"

I shake my head. "You were sick before."

"Then what … ?"

"Let's just say a good friend knocked some sense into me," I tell her.

She pulls back, looking me over.

"No fists were thrown," I tell her.

"Oh, good," she whispers.

"What do you want, Nicole? Right here, right now, in this moment, what  do you want?" I ask, putting it all on the line …  pride, love, all of it.

She rolls her eyes. Damn, this girl. She's fucking amazing. I grin.

"Dumbass, a true dumbass," she tells me. Then she leans forward, her  face so close her nose is touching mine. "What do I want?" she asks.

I nod.

"You. Every single dumbass, stubborn, idiotic piece of you," she tells me.

"As far as declarations of love go, that one needs some work," I tell her. She lifts her chin and narrows her eyes.

"You made me wait forever!" she shouts.

I nod solemnly. "I did. I'm sorry for that. More sorry than you'll ever  know. Months wasted because I thought I was doing the right thing."

She scoffs. "From now on, I'll make the decisions. Your version of right and wrong is warped."         

     



 

I can't help it, I laugh. Loud and long and her smile lights me up inside. She's my sunshine.

"Seriously," she says. "It's you, Ben. I knew it the same minute you did. But be sure, because I can't-"

I cut her off with the press of my lips to hers. Her breath catches and I  pull her in close, her body molding to mine, the warmth of her sunshine  reaching the cold dark places within me and filling them with her  sweetness.