Bad Boy (An Indecent Proposal)(34)

I’ve decided that money should not define you. I don’t want you to be used. I don’t want people to hurt you or rob you blind just because you were born who you are. Your wealth won’t help you make many real friends and so I’ve decided to keep your rightful money away from you until you become the open-minded, independent individual with a fixed set of opinions I know you will be. Once that is achieved, my duty as your mother has been accomplished.



My twenty-third birthday was an important year for me. It was the year I conceived you. It was the year I grew. It was the year I met Clint and we became friends. It was the year I realized that I’m responsible for my own life, that no one can hold me down. It’s also the year my parents asked me for forgiveness after my uncle died.



While Clint is not the man I love, he is my safety net. He offered me a chance to get away from my family. He treated me well. He wanted to be your father. I don’t know many men who would have jumped in wholeheartedly at the idea of raising someone else’s child. Because my mind is deteriorating I have asked him to take over my business. I have asked him to take good care of you. And when I told him that I’d mention him in my Will, I made him promise that he would give you the estate once you were old enough.



Whether he will keep his promise is a different matter. I would like to believe it, but honestly, my life has taught me that I cannot trust anyone.



So I did something to protect you. I made a Last Will to overrule the previous one. You will find it in this letter.



I feel bad for Clint. I feel bad for not trusting him, but it’s the only way to ensure I’ll be able to take care of you after my death. Until the day you inherit everything, Clint will be your legal guardian. If not him, then who else? I have no sisters or brothers. My father is still alive, but I would rather give you to Clint than to him. At least I know Clint will take good care of you.



In my first will I’ll ask you to give up your inheritance, and for a very good reason. I want you to go to college and experience life like any other young woman out there. I want you to learn the value of friendship and happiness without the heavy burden that wealth brings with it. You shall receive everything when you’re old enough to make your own, wise decisions. While I know Clint loves me, I’m not naïve enough to trust that he’ll hold on to me forever. Someday he will move on, like your father did.



I cannot take the risk that he will become greedy.



My last Will and Testament that will be read upon my death will state that Clint gets everything, even though he and I have a verbal agreement that you’re to receive everything when you turn twenty-three regardless of who you’ve become. To make sure you find out about the existence of these letters, I’ve included a clause that requires you to be attached by the time you turn twenty-three years old. The reason is that I want you to be with someone who loves you for who you are rather than the money you’ll inherit.

Should Clint break his promise to me, my last Will is inside this letter. It’s co-signed by Nurse Marla and our gardener. It’s the only copy I have and they are the only witnesses, so make sure you don’t lose it. I also have included their contact details below.



Marla has always been good to me. She is also the closest I’ve ever come to having a real friend who hasn’t betrayed me. I’ve asked her to keep some things from me for you. Make sure to contact her. While she does not know about my past, she knows about my heartbreak that I’ve experienced at the hands of your father, and she understands what I have to do.



No one is perfect, Laurie. No one can be completely faultless. Not I, not my parents, not my uncle, nor Clint. It’s part of being human. Important is what you do with your faults, and what you can live with. In the end, it’s your life and your decision what you make of it. My decision was to make sure that I did the opposite of what I experienced in life. I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because the hardest thing is yet to come.



I know you will hate me for this. I would, too, but I have to do it, Laurie. It’s not your fault, nor Clint’s. It’s also not my father’s fault. Nor my mother’s. It’s my own. I’ve considered this for a long time now. Today, my thoughts are lucid. Today that I can speak clearly, I know I have to do it. I don’t want to die at the clinic, labeled a mentally ill person. I want to do it on my own terms, as someone who’s aware of what she does.



Please forgive me.



I cannot stand to see myself slipping away. My mind…it’s not what it used to be. On some days, I don’t recognize myself. Those days become more and more frequent. I wander off with absolutely no idea of who I am, where I lived, what I do. On those days, I forget to eat, I forget that I exist. On some days, I wake up with wounds I inflict upon myself. This is not a way to live. I do not want to forget. I want to live, and be in control of myself, and if I cannot be that way, I would rather die as long as I know you exist.



Memory can be a precious thing, my daughter. I took it for granted, until I started to forget a little each day. The good memories were the first ones to go. I can feel it.



The medication I take isn’t helping. It makes my nightmares worse. It keeps me stuck in the past. I’m telling Clint that I’m taking it, but the truth is, I haven’t for weeks. I do not want to burden him with the fact that my medication only lets me keep the bad memories inside my head. It’s like all my life has been nothing but bad memories, and maybe it’s the truth. But I cannot relive the past over and over again.



My darling girl, I have so many regrets. Too many to count. One of them is not being able to experience the joy of seeing you grow up to become the wonderful woman I know you are now. To graduate. To fall in love. To start a family. Maybe even meet your half-brother.

I’m sorry that I cannot help myself, make a small change, no matter how hard, just for you. I’m sorry that I have to do what I’m about to do. I’m sorry that I have to leave you.



In spite of my weakness, I can tell you in all honesty that I’m proud of you as my child. I’ve always felt blessed to have you. You grew up so fast. Too fast. When I look at you, I see your father. You’re just as beautiful. But everything you have, everything you are, is because of me, your mother. Don’t cry as you read this letter. I have made peace with my life. I made peace a long time ago and have accepted things as they are.

Both the past and the future.



Even though I’m not with you right now, even though I cannot hold you and kiss you, please know that my heart will always be with you. Always. You’re my precious daughter. Ever since the day you were born, I promised to you I would do anything to protect you, to make sure they would not take you away from me, too.



When you read this letter, I know that my life has passed and that my wishes were fulfilled. I went to great lengths to make sure that they were, so when you read this, I know my duty as your mother was well done and that I can be proud of you, of myself, of everything we are.



The past might hold us, capture us, separate us in our minds, but these words will remain. And so will your presence and your future…it’s all within our control. Do not focus on the past. Remember me for the smiles we gifted each other and the moments we shared. I love you. Nothing can stop me from loving you no matter where I am. Even though our time together was short, I’m grateful for the moments we had. When you miss me, you’ll find me in your blood, in the beat of your heart, in the fact that I gave life to you.



Remember me for who I was.

Your mother





Chapter 24





“Surprise,” Jude yelled the moment I opened the door to our apartment. Behind her were a few of my college friends, neighbors and other people I knew holding a banner that read ‘Welcome home’. A huge chocolate cake with the inscription ‘Happy Belated Birthday’ beckoned to me from a table set up in the corner.


“Oh, my God, Jude,” I mumbled as she dashed for me with a shriek. Her arms went around me, pressing me to her chest so hard I had no choice but to drop my suitcases and give in.

I closed my eyes. Tears gathered in my eyes as her familiar scent hit my nostrils. In spite of her overprotectiveness and her tendency to make my business her own, she was the most amazing friend anyone could have.

“Welcome home, Laurie.” Alice, Jude’s sister, drew me in into a tight hug, too. “Jude’s told us everything about your disaster.”

“And by disaster you mean…” I shot Jude a glare.

“Chase,” Alice replied.

‘You told her?” I asked Jude.

“Not just her. She told us all,” someone from the crowd. It was Janice, our neighbor. I frowned as I stared at all the familiar faces.

Did Jude invite the whole neighborhood?

My gaze swept over the crowd to take everyone in. Half of them were unfamiliar faces. But then was it really such a surprise?

Jude had always proclaimed that I deserved a big party for my twenty third birthday, not least to celebrate the fact that I’d receive my mother’s letters. I never believed her because I never thought it’d happen, but she had been right. She had made it happen.