Back to You(24)

Finally breaking the distance between us, Declan takes a step closer to me, reaching for my hands. I let him hold them, his familiar touch feels like home and reminds me of what we’re fighting for. He stares into my eyes, the depth of his emotions pouring out through his. “I know you need this. I know you need to let it all out. So do it. Say what you want to say, so I can say what I need to say, too.”

His words surprise me. I thought he had nothing to say on the matter. He told me he was content to put it past us and move on.

“Are we going to be okay?” Ultimately it’s the one question that scares me the most. I just want the answer to that one.

“Do you want us to be okay?”

Pulling my hands from his, I perch them on my hips defensively. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means are you happy? You sought out another man—and not just some stranger for a one-nighter, Mia. You went to that reunion  , you got a wave of nostalgia and you acted on it all because you were vulnerable.”

“Hold on a minute!” I interrupt. “I’m not saying what I did wasn’t wrong, but I was vulnerable because you’d left again. There was so much distance between us. Physically and emotionally. You have to understand at least that much.”

“I do understand, but what I don’t understand is why you allowed it to go on so long.” He takes a step back and closes his eyes. “Why did you choose me, Mia? What made you pick me over him?” His questions come out so low, his voice so hoarse and hesitant I can barely hear it.

All the ways I want to answer him won’t be enough. To simply say we were meant to be or that it was always him is just inadequate, because there was a time when Noah filled the voids caused by the doubts Declan put in my head.

I search deep within for the truth and the words to express it. I collect my thoughts, carefully, making sure I won’t mess this up. Finally sure of what I need to say, I start at the beginning. “Declan, when I found out about what you did, it felt like the earth stopped spinning. I’d read about this kind of thing and heard about it from friends and family members, but to actually have it happen to me—it was surreal. The idea that you didn’t want me anymore made me sick. It was like I had no say in any of it. You were done with me, seeking out another woman to give you whatever you thought I couldn’t, and I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact that our marriage was most likely over.

“Even after you came clean about not sleeping with that girl, it was like the damage was already done. You didn’t have to have sex with her to make it wrong, it was the fact that you needed something from her—something I was obviously lacking. Whether it was a sense of newness or attention or a mere attraction—I was lacking somewhere and that made me think I’d failed as your wife.”

“Mia, you could never—” Declan tries to interrupt but I won’t let him.

“No! Let me finish!” I say, raising my hands. “Yes, I took you back. Yes, I acted as if nothing had ever happened because that’s what I so desperately needed to believe. I missed you so much it was hard to breathe, hard to get out of the bed every day, but I did it for our kids—to protect them from the hurt I was feeling.

“And then you had to leave. I know it’s your job, Dec, and I’m grateful for what a wonderful provider you are because of that job, but you left at the worst possible time ever. I needed you and you weren’t there. I know it sounds like a cop out, but I felt you were getting used to the distance and I was still angry. No, I didn’t start things up with Noah because of that, or—you know what—maybe I did, but—who the fuck knows? Bottom line, in that moment I needed to do what I did. I had my own insecurities and doubts and he—”

“Did you fall in love with him?” His sudden interruption startles me. He’s very still, waiting for my answer.

Was I ever in love with Noah? It’s a valid question—a very valid question, but my answer might come as a surprise. My body starts to shake, weak from the heat, drained by the conversation. My emotions take over and I start to sob. “No. No, baby. There is no doubt in my mind that my heart has only belonged to one man and one man only. I’m so sorry, Declan. I am so sorry for what I almost did to us. I’m grateful every day that you put your heart on the line and sang your soul to me that night. I was too weak, too stubborn to see what I was throwing away. And I am so, so sorry I didn’t come back to you sooner.”

In an instant, Declan’s arms are wrapped around me. One hand rubbing circles on my back, the other sweeping my hair from the nape of my neck. “Shhhh, baby. Please don’t cry. Please, no more crying.”