Attach ments(52)

Maybe Lincoln was the Funny One.





From: Beth Fremont

To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder

Sent: Mon, 11/29/1999 1:44 PM

Subject: The next time my sister gets married …

Remind me that I hate weddings. And my sister.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> I happen to know that you love weddings—that you give movies a one-star upgrade for even having a wedding scene. Wasn’t that the rule that forced you to give Four Weddings and a Funeral four stars even though you thought Andie MacDowell was a disaster?

<<Beth to Jennifer>> You’re right. I love weddings. I hate my sister.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> Why?

<<Beth to Jennifer>> Basically …because she’s getting married before me. I’m like the petty older sister in a period drama. “But Papa, she can’t get married before me. I’m the eldest.”

<<Jennifer to Beth>> Oh, I love period dramas, especially period dramas starring Colin Firth. I’m like Bridget Jones if she were actually fat.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> Oh …Colin Firth. He should only do period dramas. And period dramas should only star Colin Firth. (One-star upgrade for Colin Firth. Two stars for Colin Firth in a waistcoat.)

<<Jennifer to Beth>> Keep typing his name, even his name is handsome.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> I think we’ve discovered the only guy we’d ever fight over at an airport bar.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> You’re forgetting about Ben Affleck.

You’re also forgetting to complain to me about your sister’s wedding.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> Ben Affleck! Are you sure I can’t talk you into Matt Damon? We could double-date …

I didn’t forget. I just figured you were trying to change the subject because I was being ridiculous. I don’t have anything real to complain about. My complaint is: I always thought I’d be married by now.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> That’s not so ridiculous.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> No, it is. I had this whole plan when I graduated from high school: I was going to go to college, date a few guys, and then meet the guy at the end of my freshman year, maybe at the beginning of my sophomore year. We’d be engaged by graduation and married the next year. And then, after some traveling, we’d start our family. Four kids, three years apart. I wanted to be done by the time I was 35.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> Four kids? Isn’t that a little extreme?

<<Beth to Jennifer>> It doesn’t matter. It’s no longer mathematically possible.

I’m not married. I’m not even close. Even if I were to break up with Chris tomorrow and meet someone new the very next day, my plan still wouldn’t be salvageable. It would take a year or two to figure out whether we were right for each other, at least six months to be engaged …That puts me at 31, 32 before I can get pregnant.

And that’s being overly optimistic. If I broke up with Chris tomorrow, I’d be a mess for a year (30).

Then it might take another year to meet somebody else (31). It might take six years to meet somebody else (36). How can I plan around those variables?

<<Jennifer to Beth>> I’m confused. I thought you were 28.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> Maybe my plan was never possible. Maybe I would have figured all this out sooner if I hadn’t spent trigonometry passing notes to my 10th-grade boyfriend.

That’s the thing of it—the really petty thing of it—I can’t help but feel like this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I’ve never worried about finding a guy.

In sixth grade, I dated the nicest cute boy in class. We talked on the phone twice over six months and held hands at an afternoon showing of Superman III. I always had a date, the right date, for every dance. I fell in love for the first time in the 10th grade with the guy I was supposed to fall in love with.

I broke up with him after a year, and that was supposed to happen, too.

I was pretty sure I would never have to worry about finding the right guy. I thought it would happen for me the way it happened for my parents and for my grandparents. They got to the right age, they found the right person, they got married, they had kids.

<<Jennifer to Beth>> You’re kind of making me hate you.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> For being the kind of girl who always had a boyfriend?

<<Jennifer to Beth>> Kind of …I never had a date to any dance. I never took it for granted that any guy would ever fall in love with me. Let alone, the right guy.

<<Beth to Jennifer>> I don’t blame you for kind of hating me. But I kind of hate you, too. You did meet exactly the right person at exactly the right time. You married the nicest cute boy in class. And now you’re pregnant.