As Sure as the Dawn(51)

Angry, Atretes caught her wrists and pulled her hands down. “Forgive you for what? For protecting my son from captivity? For protecting me?”

“For giving you an excuse to kill again!”

“Lower your voice,” he said in a harsh whisper, glaring at a man who glanced at them. Atretes drew her behind some crates. “You warned me of something I was too stupid to see for myself. You kept all of us out of the arena.”

“And that makes everything all right?” she said in a voice choked with tears. “Two men are dead because of me. Better that I had kept my suspicions to myself.”

“Where do you suppose the boy would be right now if you’d kept silent?”

“Where he is now, without blood on his father’s hands!”

Atretes swore in frustration. “Woman, you’re a fool. You know nothing about anything. All three of us would be in the ludus.”

“We’re both free. . . .”

“Do you think Sertes cares about your rights or mine? He has friends in high position, friends with more political power than your apostle and all his followers put together. One word in the right ear, and your freedom would end like that,” he said and snapped his fingers in her face. “You know what happens to the women working in the ludus? They’re passed around to whatever gladiator deserved a reward. Maybe I would’ve gotten my turn with you, too. Eventually.”

She tried to pull free.

“That shocks you, doesn’t it?” Atretes said, jerking her back again. “Didn’t you know that’s what a gladiator gets when he’s performed for his master?” His mouth twisted into a sardonic smile. “A woman to couple with while the guards watch through the bars. Not a very pleasant prospect for a woman of your sensibilities, is it? But then, don’t think for a minute Sertes would care.”

She wanted desperately to block out his words and the frightening possibilities they created in her mind. “Even if all you say is true, it doesn’t make what you did right.”

His face paled in anger. “I killed two men tonight. For good cause and without regret. How many more would I have had to kill to get my son back if I’d gone to the arena? And if I was killed, what use might Sertes find for a child then? Caleb could have ended up in one of those booths under the arena stands, or do I have to explain them to you as well?”

“No,” she said faintly, unable to bear hearing more.

“Then save your pity for those who deserve it.” He let go of her in contempt.

“God would have shown us a way, Atretes. I know he would have.”

“Why would your god show me anything?”

“Because he loves you, just as he loved Gallus and the other you killed tonight.”

He grasped her chin. “Tell me, woman. Does your heart bleed as much when you think of the man who betrayed your Christ?”

His words cut her, spreading an infection of doubt. “I share the blame for what you did.”

He let go of her abruptly. “Then be absolved,” he said sardonically. “Gaius’ and Gallus’ blood is on my head, not yours. As is the blood of better men I killed before them.” He turned her toward the quay again.

As they wove their way along the quay amid the activity of men loading and unloading ships, Rizpah sensed Atretes wanted to hold back rather than hurry. She glanced at him and saw his gaze fixed upon the apostle.

My God, she prayed in distress, what do I say to this man to make him understand? Father, bring him up out of the pit or I know he’ll pull me down into it with him.

“Say nothing,” Atretes said heavily.

“Nothing is done in secret.”

“As you wish,” he said bitterly. “Tell him and see if it matters.”

Rizpah glanced up at him and thought he looked oddly vulnerable. “I was speaking of the Lord, Atretes, not John.”

John came to meet them. He took her hands and kissed her cheek. “The others have boarded ahead of you. They have bedding for you as well as supplies for the journey. Did you encounter trouble?”

“No,” Atretes lied.

John gave them each passage papers.

Rizpah clutched the document that proclaimed passage had been purchased and struggled against tears. She had never been away from Ephesus and now she was journeying to Rome and then on to Germania. With a murderer.

John touched her cheek. She closed her eyes, pressing her own hand over his. She wouldn’t see him again, and the prospects of the future looked dark and fearsome right now.

“The Lord will be with you wherever you go, beloved,” John said gently.

“Give me the boy,” Atretes said, holding out his hands.