An Officer but No Gentleman(84)

“Would you like me to massage it for you?” Charlie offered.

Yes.

“No.”

“I don’t mind. I know it always helped.”

Jaxon did not miss the subdued tone of her voice or the lack of fire in her eyes. He could tell their estrangement was as hard on her as it was on him. There was a part of him that wanted to bundle her up in his arms and tell her he would make everything all right. All he wanted at that moment was take her pain away, but everything had gone so far astray that he doubted he could set them back on the path.

“I’ve been soaking it in the hot bath.”

Charlie shrugged. “It doesn’t look like soaking it is helping,” she said from the landing waiting for him to catch up.

It’s not.

“I thought I would take Jimmy’s clothes and wash them so they can be returned your Aunt Pru.”

“I’ll just have Vinnie wash them.” Jaxon said gruffly. He didn’t want any further encounters with her if he could help it.

A slight smile emerged on Charlie’s face. “I was just going to have Benjy wash them. Then I was going to move the buttons back.”

“Charlie, it doesn’t matter. It’s not as if Jimmy will wear them again. Aunt Pru will probably give them to Levi since he could make use of them.”

She nodded her acquiescence.

“Would you like to keep his sweater? I think Aunt Pru would want you to have it. What you did for him touched her deeply.”

Charlie had never told anyone how much she envied the men who wore the thick wool sweaters. It wasn’t about warmth; her father had always seen to it that she wore heavy wool pea coats. But the colorful sweaters, knitted by someone who loved them, symbolize something Charlie would never have.

“Perhaps, if you asked your aunt first.”

In Charlie’s case, it wouldn’t be the same, but if Aunt Pru let her have it, she would cherish it as much as any of the men cherish theirs.

“I’ll just get my boots and go,” Charlie said as she entered his bedroom and crossed to the wardrobe where she had left them. She opened the door and was struck by a rainbow of color. She stared at the dresses and a lump rose in her throat. Tears sprang to her eyes and flowed freely down her face. She remembered her excitement over the gowns and dresses, how they had run to the dressmaker’s shop before it closed the day they got there, and how beautiful she felt when she wore them. Gingerly, she reached out and touched the silks.

“Do you want me to have them packed up in a trunk for you?”

Charlie shook her head. “I can’t keep them.”

“Of course you can. They’re already paid for and sewn. You haven’t even worn half of them yet.”

“I-I’ve decided to put the ship in dry dock and replace the crew when the refit is finished.”

“You’re going back to pretending you’re a man?”

She nodded because couldn’t say the word aloud. Pretending to be a man had been a prison of sorts and she could not face going back to that life. “Maybe the dresses can be altered to fit your sisters.”

Charlie closed her eyes and took a deep shaky breath through her mouth. It wasn’t until that moment that Jaxon realized she was crying.

“Charlie…?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see the gowns. I should have sent Benjy after the boots.”

Jaxon remembered how she had cried over Imelia’s dress and her silk stockings. She had never wanted to pretend to be a boy. No one had asked her. They just started dressing her that way, she had said.

And now she was going back to that life because it was all she knew.

“Charlie, you don’t have to do that.”

Charlie grabbed the boots and closed the wardrobe doors. Suddenly, she dropped to the floor to change her boots because she couldn’t bear the thought of sitting on his bed to change them. She took half a second to dry her face on her sleeve before she began pulling off her old boots.

“It doesn’t matter,” she murmured as much to herself as to him.

“Yes, baby, it does.”

“Jaxon, I can’t keep them. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if I were to get caught with those?” If they don’t figure out I’m a woman, they will make certain assumptions that could get me hurt.”

“Keep one. Lock it up in your quarters and….”

“And what? Put it on when I’m feeling sorry for myself? What if we got an all hands call while I’m wearing it? Hell, Jaxon, I haven’t slept without my uniform on since I was a kid for fear of being called on deck in the middle of the larboard watch.”

Charlie shoved her feet into her boots and rose to her feet. As she headed to the door, Jaxon’s hand snaked out and grabbed her arm.