An Officer but No Gentleman(82)

Why could his brothers see his life so much clearer than he could? Daniel had been right. When he came to women, Jaxon’s judgment was absolutely skewed. When he thought about how many years he gave to thinking he was in love with Millie, wanting to marry her and sure what he felt was love, he shook his head. Afterwards, he could see indications in her letters that he had ignored of what kind of person she was. But he dismissed her flaws as poor communication skills or as taken out of context. Later, when he reread the letters with clear eyes, he could see her for what she was. She was completely self-absorbed and critical of everyone and everything. She was a woman who practiced complaining as diligently as a virtuoso worked to master the pianoforte. She complained if she had to wait her turn or if someone had a dress made out of the same material as hers. When he read the letters originally, he thought they were written in a tongue-in-cheek fashion and she was being funny, but when he read them again, he realized she had no sense of humor, no patience for others and an enormous sense of entitlement.

And he thought he was madly in love with her.

It was obvious he wanted to be in love with Charlie and wanted her to love him back therefore he had created this fantasy in his mind. It would take some time, he was sure, but eventually he would have some clarity where Charlie was concerned, also.

Grayson must have been right. Although Grayson believed Charlie had only latched onto him to improve her lot, Jaxon felt it was less cut and dry than that. Charlie had to have been frightened by being abandoned by her ship. Yes, her reasons for choosing him over someone like Daniel probably was the knowledge that Jaxon had fewer options with women. Not many women could look past his scars, but he reminded himself, even before she knew her ship had left, Charlie looked him straight in the eye.

It was pitiful to admit, that was all it took.

Criminy, she was such a contradiction. At one moment she was afraid of nothing, the next, she seemed terribly vulnerable.

It was unfair to compare Charlie to Millie, he knew. They were nothing alike. Charlie was thoughtful. Even on her first day aboard, she had brought his meal to his cabin and she worried about him when he had a fever. He choked up when he thought about what she did for Jimmy when he lay dying. She didn’t even know him and although he was unconscious and probably didn’t hear a word of it, she tried to comfort him.

And if there was an opposite of feeling entitled that would have been Charlie. It wasn’t that she felt unworthy; it was simply that she had such a great appreciation for everything given to her. Who ever heard of a woman crying over a pair of silk stockings?

He smiled at the thought. She was so naïve and innocent about so many things. Not as innocent as she had been before he met her.

Criminy. He ruined her. He would have never touched her if he wasn’t going to marry her. That was not well done of him at all.

Damnation.

Jaxon didn’t want to think of the prospect of Charlie marrying sometime in the future and having to explain why her virginity had already been lost. He had heard tales of men nearly beating their wives to death over that very thing. Charlie might be able to defend herself from violence, but some men might make her pay in other ways.

With a scowl marring his face, he approached his townhouse and saw his younger sister Jayne sitting on the steps. She jumped up when she spotted him.

“Hello, Jaxon. Where’s Charlie?”

Jaxon didn’t know how to tell her that they had decided to go their separate ways.

“She’s on her ship.”

“Oh,” she said. “Do you suppose since I’m here, I could look at the books in your library.”

“Of course,” he said unlocking the door and letting her enter the house first. “Did you come over to see Charlie?”

“There’s so much to do and so little time. I want you to know I’m taking my role as maid of honor very seriously.”

“Jayne, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Charlie and I aren’t getting married.”

His sister gasped, her eyes wide with surprise. “Jaxon, you can’t.”

“I can’t?”

“My heavens, we will all be ruined. Can’t you see? This is your second broken engagement, the first one after an extended engagement and this one after you’ve ruined Charlie’s reputation. I can only imagine what people have been saying about Charlie staying in your house. They no doubt tried to overlook it since you planned to marry her, but now…. You’ll ruin the whole family.”

“No one will judge the rest of the family based on my actions. Our family has always been respectable.”

“No? Mother wanted me to debut last year, but now mothers will steer their sons away from me because if one child has bad morals, the others might as well. The only attention I will get is from men who hope my principles match yours.”