Adorkable(77)

“I want to, Becks. Really, I do.” The words tumbled from my lips. “It’s just I’m not willing to take a chance on something so important and lose.”

He scoffed, hand falling away from me, recognition in his eyes. “Jeez, Sal, that’s not—”

“If I was wrong,” I choked, crying again, “the fallout would be too painful.”

“Sal,” he said after a moment, “I don’t understand.”

I placed my hand against his face, feeling the stubble bite into my skin. Smiling a watery smile, I said, “I know you don’t, Becks. It’s like you and this beard. Sometimes you want to believe in things so bad you convince yourself they’re true.”

Becks went to respond, but I shook my head.

“But they’re not, Becks. Don’t fool yourself.” I backed away. “I’m a big enough fool for the both of us.”

When I told Mrs. Carranza I needed to leave early, she didn’t question me. I must’ve looked awful because the woman usually wanted an explanation for everything. In the car, I turned the radio to a local station where they eventually started talking about Becks. Penn or UCLA, they said. They’d narrowed it down to those two top picks after the results this week. Their voices socked me in the gut, but it was like layering a scratch on top of a knife wound.

As I was walking in the door, Mom said, “Sally, I’ve got something for you.”

Her voice had come from the kitchen, so I drifted that way, barely aware of my legs moving.

“Mom, I don’t—” I stopped short, seeing her face.

Her eyes were so bright, jaw quaking with the force of her smile. Mom was radiating so much; it was like she’d swallowed the sun. In her hand was a large, white envelope with the Duke seal on the cover.

“Big envelope,” she said, nodding, holding the package up high. “You did it, baby. You got in.”

As she rushed forward, throwing her arms around me in a great big squeeze, I hugged her back, not knowing what else to do. Mom kept saying how great I’d done, how she’d always known I’d get accepted, how Duke was lucky to have me.

But the news didn’t affect me the way I’d thought it would.

My confession had rocked the balance of my carefully constructed world. Becks knew—and he hadn’t come after me. The memory of him lying, to both of us but mostly to himself, was…tragic. It was a good thing I was all cried out. I’d gotten into Duke, a dream come true, but the bigger dream had just exploded in my face. No matter where he chose, Becks was going away. It felt like that scene in Star Trek where Nero destroys the planet Vulcan, and there’s nothing left but a big, smoldering black hole. My soul was that black hole, and even the thought of Duke couldn’t fill me up.

Who knew it was possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?





CHAPTER 17





I shifted back and forth, foot to foot, until I couldn’t stand it another second. Looking back at the clock, seeing the time, my pulse ratcheted up another notch.

“Mom, you almost ready?” I called.

“Five more minutes,” she said.

“I don’t want to miss anything.”

“We won’t.”

She’d said five minutes ten minutes ago, and we were already cutting it close. The game would start at seven on the dot. It was already thirty minutes till.

“Geesh,” Mom said, stepping into the room, looking fresh as a daisy. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“Mom, parking’s going to fill up quick. The lot’s always jammed for the championship.”

“We’ll get a space, Sally.”

Yeah, I thought, probably somewhere in the next county over. She took her time applying her lipstick as I tried not to let the anxiety get to me. Broughton was good this year. Their team wasn’t going to just hand over the state title. Chariot was going to have to be on their game tonight.

“Alright, ready,” Mom said, swinging her purse over her shoulder.

“Finally,” I said, grabbing my keys, practically jogging to the door.

Once we were in the car, I revved the ignition, rolling my eyes when Mom said, “Seatbelt.” Of course, I put it on; I always wore my seatbelt, but she was flipping through radio stations as if we’d even have time to listen. It might’ve taken her twenty minutes to get to the stadium, but not me. Ten miles over the speed limit wasn’t really speeding.

“Sally.” Mom’s stern tone said otherwise.

I eased it back to seven over. But seriously, this was the championship.

“Looks like Becks made his choice,” Mom said casually. “I don’t think anybody expected it to be UNC. They all thought he’d go out of state.”