Adam's List(43)

Suddenly, I remember his cold rejection, and freeze up. “I was sleeping. I’m fine.”

His fingers touch my elbow. “Jewels, I want to explain why I acted that way.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I insist, jerking away, looking past him. “I’m over it.”

“No.” He brushes my cheek with his thumb. My skin blazes from his touch, sending shivers down to my core. “I was a total ass to you, and you don’t deserve that.” He brings his hand back down to rest on his knee and bends down like he’s trying to catch his breath. After a minute, both his hands brush over the back of his neck before he clasps them together on top of his head. “I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to do this without hurting you, but every scenario I come up with still ends badly.”

“I’m confused. I thought we were having a good time hanging out, and you’re already dooming whatever chances we may have together. Why are you so afraid of hurting me? How do you know I’m not going to be the one to hurt you?”

His hands come down to rub at his face, carefully avoiding the black eye he got at my expense. “Remember when you said we don’t have to tell each other everything right away, because we’ll have time to get to know each other better on this trip, if you decide to go?”

A heavy pressure blankets my chest. Is he going to un-invite me after I accepted? I nod, knowing he’s about to reveal something monumental. And I doubt from the look on his face that I’ll like any part of it.

He licks his lips slowly, his eyes steady against mine. “There’s something I should tell you, but I’ve been avoiding it because it will change everything between us. I don’t want you to treat me any differently. And you will.”

Dozens of different scenarios rush at me as I stare back at him. No matter how hard I try, I can’t come up with anything that would make me run away and never want to see him again. He has to be one of the goddamned sweetest guys I’ve ever met. All the things I’m able to envision he probably wouldn’t even be capable of. I bite down on my lip before building up enough courage to answer.

“What do you want me to say to that? Go ahead and tell me anyway? Don’t tell me?

For a dude you sure send out a lot of mixed signals.”

A shy, modest smile twitches across his face. “I want you to say that you don’t think I’m an asshole for wanting to keep things the way they are.”

“Would you quit calling yourself an asshole? I don’t think you truly comprehend what that word means!” I ache to reach out and loop my fingers with his again, to feel that familiar charge that will electrify me all the way down to my bones. But in this moment I’m worried he’ll decide to bolt from the room again like he did the other day. “I don’t understand why you’re so sure this big secret of yours will come between us. Whatever it is, we can work around it.”

“It’s not as easy as that.” His eyes flicker down to my hands, as if he’s feeling the same pull to touch me. “Damn it, I wish it was.”

We sit still for a moment, each of us being consumed by our thoughts. I’m too far invested in my feelings for him to just walk away, even though I should. He doesn’t want things to change between us, so why should I push him into something he doesn’t want to do? Whatever secret he’s keeping may be dangerous enough to tear us apart. And above everything else, I don’t want that.

“I trust you,” I blurt. “Whatever it is, it’s your secret to keep or share. I don’t want things to change either. I don’t want to lose you.”

He lifts his chin, his steel blues hopeful. “Wait. Are you sure?”

“No, I’m not sure.” I bounce from the couch, my anxiety levels through the roof. What if he just keeps changing his mind, and pushes me further and further away? “If it’s the only way for us to go on this trip together, I’m willing to try. I can’t promise anything, but you have to promise you won’t hurt me again like that.”

“You’re really willing to try?” His eyebrows shoot up. “As friends?”

I balk, wondering if I’m truly capable of keeping things that way. He’s everything a girl could ever want in a boyfriend—sweet, caring, funny, and a phenomenal kisser. The memory of his lips rests on the edge of this decision, tempting me to draw him in for another kiss. Making me want to pull his shirt off, and touch him, find out if he’s just as good of a lover.

Pushing the thoughts back to the corner of my mind, I nod. “Okay, fine. As friends.”