Adam's List(40)
His unshaven face is prickly, and I’m worried I’m being too rough with his lips until he moans when I nibble at them. My body throbs, wanting him to touch me. I grind against him as we kiss, unable to back down. I’ve waited so long for this moment. I slip my hand under his shirt, shivering with the feel of his tight stomach.
He recoils with a deep breath, disentangling himself from me.
“Shit. We can’t do this.” Gathering my wandering hands, he nudges me off of him and stands. Guilt ridden, his eyes dart past me. “I have to go.”
A vice grip twists at my chest. This is definitely the ugly face of rejection. I fight back the surprising need to cry, even though it’s been so long since my meds would allow me the luxury. He’s the one who approached me at the party. He’s the one who asked me to go on this trip with him. He’s the one who kissed me. Why is he doing this to me now?
“Is it because I threw up?” I ask quietly, wishing he’d look at me. “Did I do something wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything, Jewels. I just need some time to clear my head.” He turns his back to me, starting for the door. “Go back to bed and rest up. I’ll come check on you again later. Call if you need me sooner.”
For a drawn-out moment, he pauses at the door, and I think he’s going to turn around and tell me he’s sorry. But he turns the handle and disappears.
After the door closes behind him, I collapse in a heaping sob.
EIGHT
My junior year of high school, I made football cheerleading captain. This made the senior girls on the squad incredibly jealous. A few of them even quit. The ones who stayed in secretly plotted to get even, dropping me from the top of the pyramid during the halftime show on Homecoming night. Not only did I fracture my arm and have to wear a cast for the rest of the season, but I was completely mortified and figured it would be the catalyst for a downfall in popularity. At the time I didn’t know it would create an anti-bullying campaign among the seniors.
Jason and I had been dating for a few months before it happened. He was livid when he got wind that the “accident” was planned out ahead of time. Later that night after my trip to the ER, we went to his house instead of the school dance as it was my favorite place to escape everything, that night especially. His family had updated a really old house with a massive wrap-around porch where we’d sit on the swinging bench for hours, talking and kissing until my curfew. In those beginning days, we could never get enough of each other. Jason was a touchy-feely guy who always felt the need to hold me and stroke my arms, face, whatever was closest. He was still like that even after we had been dating for two years.
“They should all be kicked off the squad,” he told me, running his fingers above the bright pink cast on my arm. “Your coach should demand that they get OSS for a few days, too.”
“I get it, they’re jealous,” I said as I wiped fresh tears from my face. “If I was a senior I probably wouldn’t like someone younger telling me what to do, either. I should withdraw as captain and let one of them have it. Not like I’m going to be able to do as much with this dumb thing on my arm anyway.”
Jason gently turned me around so I’d be forced to see the concern washing over his dark eyes that were made even darker by his thick eyebrows and full lashes. He was boyishly cute with shaggy brown hair, a somewhat crookedly sloped nose, and a bright smile that was contagious. He was the type who could charm even the grumpiest of people with his upbeat attitude.
“Would you stop being so damn compliant? You worked hard for this, Jewels. You deserve it. Don’t let anyone make you think any differently. And whatever you do, don’t let them see you crying over what happened. I mean, it’s okay to cry, just save your tears for the really big stuff. There will be far worse things to come.”
It’s ironic how at the time, I couldn’t imagine there being anything worse.
Daylight evaporates as I wake sporadically, still sprawled out on the couch. Kelly comes in after class to ask how I’m feeling, or maybe I just imagine it. I don’t bother checking my phone for texts or missed calls until the room becomes pitch black again, bringing on another restless night.
Adam bows out just as I had expected, sending a message telling me it sounds like Kelly has things under control, and that he’ll stop by in the morning.
I must’ve missed a dozen calls from my mom that continue to go unreturned. While I can’t tell her what happened, I also know that if I keep avoiding her she’ll become upset to the point she may come over to check on me. But I don’t really care. I’m so hollow and empty that I feel like a cracked shell. The darkness consumes me over and over, bringing more nightmares.