A Wifey for the Bad Boy(216)
Lucy was the first woman I loved, although I had to lover her from afar. She was bright-eyed and bubbly and everyone loved her, especially when she was ahead of everyone and her round breasts swelled and her hips started swaying in that mesmerizing way. Every head turned. I even caught the fathers of the students looking at her, wondering how such a girl could be so sexual. They looked at her hungrily, like wolves, as though she was just a piece of meat for them to salivate over but to me she was a queen. I lay awake at night dreaming of telling her my feelings and that she would return them, that she would tell me all the teasing and bullying was just an act and she only did it because she wanted to hide her true feelings...that she loved me too.
When I found out that she was going out with Billy it broke my heart. The pain was a stabbing one and I didn't know how something that I couldn't see could feel so raw. I watched her and knew that I shouldn't love her because I meant nothing to her but I couldn't stop myself. The anguish of wanting something that I could never have was palpable, and my pillow was stained with my forlorn tears every night.
Growing up as a big lesbian teenager wasn't fun, and my life seemed bleak, and as I let the ice cream slide down my throat I thought back to that time and chuckled dryly to myself. Even though that was ten years ago I still felt the same way, like I would always be wanting something that I couldn't have.
I sighed as I drove the spoon into the soft, dark ice cream. I always went for chocolate with little bits of brownie in it, and this one even had swirls of golden caramel. As I scooped up a large mound of it I smiled at the soothing crush, and lifted it up, looking to see how long I could make the caramel stretch before it broke. When it finally lost its cohesion it fell and drizzled back down. I placed it in my mouth and closed my eyes, letting the sweet chocolate fill and comfort me.
Then, I checked my cell to see if anyone had replied to my messages. Nothing. There was only one person that I hadn't tried to contact and that was because we'd spent the last week shouting down the phone to each other. All of my other friends were AWOL, and I felt so lonely that I could have cried. But my tears were all gone. I'd spent too much time crying over Lacey and now it felt like I didn't have anything left in me.
The audience in the television laughed but I couldn't see anything funny. I stared ahead with a blank look in my glassy eyes, watching the fictional characters have better lives than me. I was twenty-nine and I had nothing to show for my life. I was single, eating ice cream in a small apartment, and nobody wanted to be my friend.
Chapter 2
When the show ended the credits rolled and everyone looked happy. That was the thing about TV shows; they always had an ending. Life wasn't like that. You went through day after day in one long, endless string and everything was a chaotic mess. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, that somehow there was a plan for my life; but I soon came to realize that was just an exercise in vanity. There were six billion other souls in the world, why was I so special that there would have been a grand plan for me?
Sometimes I still spared a passing though for Lucy and wondered where she was and what she had done with her life. I look back to that time and thought how different my life would have been if I had tried to talk to her or just tried something different. Perhaps she would have been intrigued. She must have thought about being with girls because every guy wanted her and it was all so easy to be with them but girls, they were mysterious and intriguing and she would have wanted to know, would have needed to know, and sometimes at night when I played with myself I thought about Lucy and how she was then, how I was then, all young and supple and tight and I would feel the most intense orgasms, but immediately afterwards I would lay back in bed and groan for I was aware of how alone I was.
But that was another life and I was another person. And really the only person I wanted was Lacey, although I didn't really want Lacey, I just wanted that feeling I had when I was with Lacey, that safe feeling, like when I was wrapped in her arms there was nothing bad going on in the world and everything was going to be okay. I could still remember her smell and I wished that I couldn't because it was so easy to fall back into those memories of the two of us sitting up late at night, both of us had trouble sleeping, talking about nothing and everything. It never seemed like we would ever run out of things to talk about. I remember the first date we had, how we spoke for hours and time didn't seem to matter, and at the end of it all she said that she was afraid we had exhausted every topic. I just looked at her with her sparkling eyes and heart-shaped face and I knew that even if I had stare in silent adoration for the rest of my life I would have been happy to do so.