A Very Dirty Wedding(111)

"No, it's pee," I say. "I peed myself at my own wedding."

"Take a step."

I do, and it happens again. "I'm going to have to waddle out of here," I say. "It's humiliating."

"That's not pee," Ella says. "That's your water breaking."

"But I'm not due yet!" I shriek, louder than I intend to. Several guests turn their heads, suddenly interested in what we're talking about in our huddle.

"You're five weeks early," Ella says. "We need to get you to the hospital right away."

"Serious, Kate," Libby says. "It's not good. That's premature. We should hurry."

I walk and pee – no, not pee, what's the verb for leak my water? – down the rest of the aisle, my heart racing. Surely Ella isn't right. I'll get in the house and find that I just wet myself and this will be the story I tell my kid when she's an adult – that she pushed on my bladder so hard I peed myself in the middle of my wedding.

We reach the outside, and I yell as I shiver in my wedding dress in the middle of a snowstorm. "It's coming out every time I move!"

Oh my God, what if my water really is breaking?

The reality of the situation is finally beginning to set in.

"I can't hold this much pee," I say. "It's not humanly possible, right? Shit. I'm having a baby? We can't drive in the snow! The roads are a mess. It's been all over the news!"

Caulter stands in front of me and takes my hands. "It's okay," he says. "The guests came in sleighs. We can take a sleigh."

"What if the baby gets jostled out on the sleigh ride?" I yell, fully aware that I'm beginning to approach a level of hysteria. "Sleighs are bumpy! We might as well take a dog sled and just let the baby fall out while I'm hanging on to the back of it!"

"Well, at least your sarcasm is still intact," Caulter says, shrugging out of his tuxedo jacket and putting it over my shoulders.

"I'll grab you a bag," Libby says. "I'll get all of your stuff. Do you know where the hospital is?"

A fresh wave of panic washes over me. Where is the closest hospital?

We're on our way toward the sleighs, when my father, Rose, and Bailey rush up behind us, stopping us in our tracks.

"What's going on?" my father asks. "Are you okay?"

"She's having the baby," Libby blurts.

"You're not due yet," Rose says.

"I know!" I yell. "I'm not sure I'm having it. I might be…uh…peeing on myself."

"You are not peeing on yourself," Libby says, "Unless you're a camel holding gallons of pee."

"I texted our doctor," Caulter says. "He's going to call back. We'll fly him up here to deliver the baby."

"Doctors do that?" Bailey asks.

"Our obstetrician is not going to just fly out here," I say, my voice rising. "And the airports are probably closed."

"Are any of the guests obstetricians?" Libby asks. "I'm sure there's a doctor here."

"There's no doctor here with drugs," I screech. "I want all of the drugs."

"And the baby is premature," Rose says. "It's important she get to the hospital. There's one a few miles away. It's probably only ten minutes by sleigh."

"Calm down," my father interrupts, and I almost lose it right there.

"Calm down?" I squeal. "A monkey ate our wedding rings and then scared an old woman practically to death while he tried to pick nits out of her hat; some crazy girl Caulter hooked up with years ago had to be physically removed from the wedding; and my water broke in the middle of the whole thing. And we're here in the middle of a blizzard. I think I'm actually pretty calm, all things considering."

Caulter takes my face in his hands. "Look," he says. "We need to get in a sleigh and get to the hospital."

"I should go change or something," I say. "I can't show up in a wedding dress." Then my back starts to hurt, tightening as pain rushes through me.

"That's back labor, honey," Rose says, as I inhale sharply. "And the baby is premature. Go with Caulter in a sleigh."

"And me," my father says. "I'm going too."

"So am I," Ella says.

"Are you hungry?" Rose asks, then waves her hand. "You will be. I'll smuggle food in for you. Hospital food is just…ugh. Bailey and Libby and I will meet you there."

Before I can protest the entourage of people accompanying me to the hospital, I'm being whisked to the sleigh, my back cramping so badly that I dig my fingers into Caulter's arm. "This is going to be really embarrassing when we show up to the emergency room and they tell you I've just been peeing on myself!"