A Real Bad Boy(51)

"Are you going to tell my brother?" I asked. I wasn't ready to address her question.

"There are no secrets between us, but that doesn't mean I can't make an  exception. Your emotional state is not any of his business. Or mine. But  I'm nosy, and it seems pretty obvious." She raised her eyebrow as she  looked at me and I knew the truth. I couldn't deny anything to her.

"I do," I said slowly. "I have for a long time. He's one of the few  people in this whole fucking thing that seems to have a genuine heart."

"Why? What made you feel this way?" she asked.

I didn't need to think about it. I already knew. I'd never told anyone  this story before. Joanna was the first and probably the only person I'd  ever admit it to.

"I was sixteen years old, and my first boyfriend dumped me. I remember  sitting on the steps of the school just crying. No one was around, it  was after tutoring, and Greyson was supposed to pick me up. But he was  busy, so Janson came instead."

She nodded.

"I tried not to let anyone see me, but I was so heartbroken that I  didn't care anymore. I mean, I thought about giving my virginity to that  guy." It still hurt to think about it. "So there I was, bawling my eyes  out and Janson just sat down next to me and handed me his pocket  square. He didn't say a word for a long time. When I was finally  tear-free, he looked me right in the eyes and said, 'This is just  temporary. It feels like you are dying, but you aren't. Someone better  will come along and sweep you right off your feet.'"

I knew at that moment that I wanted that someone to be him.

"And then what?" she asked.

"He asked me if I wanted him to beat the son of a bitch up. I laughed,  and he took me home. But he was so kind to me that I knew there had to  be more to him than just a thug. I'm still certain of it." I could feel  my throat starting to close as I thought about it. It really was the  moment I decided that I had more than just a schoolgirl crush on him.  It's why I acted on what I wanted. Why I had him when I had the chance.

"Does he love you?" Joanna asked.

Dear god, that was not the question I wanted to hear. She knew exactly how to ask them so that they kept me off balance.

More importantly, I didn't have a good answer for it.

"I don't know if he loves me. I know that he is willing to see where this goes, but that's it."

"And where is it going?" she asked.

I shot her a look of annoyance. "Aren't you supposed to be the fun sister-in-law?" I asked.

She giggled. "I get to be whatever I want. I'm nine months and one week pregnant."

She had a point.

"I dunno. I don't know if Greyson will understand, so we've been keeping  it hidden for now." I looked down away from her and over the harbor. It  really was gorgeous.                       
       
           



       

"I hear you, but I know him. If he sees that you both actually care for  each other, no one will get hurt." She smiled. "But you know if he hurts  you, he's dead."

I swallowed. Hard. That was exactly what I was afraid of.

"How's your funnel cake?" I asked.

She grinned at me and then took a bite. "Perfect. Exactly what I wanted with my pineapple smoothie."

"You're past cravings now, aren't you?" I asked.

She nodded. "I am, but that's not the reason for the pineapple. It is  supposed to help naturally induce labor. I'm holding out for it. My  midwife says my dates may have been off, and I might actually be eight  months, so they aren't ready to do anything drastic yet."

I nodded, that made sense.

"Are you ready to be done?" I asked.

She nodded emphatically. "I just want this baby out of me and in my arms."

A huge part of me wondered if I would ever have that. I wanted to say  yes, but I honestly didn't know for sure. Would it be with Janson?

Could it be?

I didn't know the answer to any of those things either.

"Come on, let's go back to my place. I have a bunch of clothing I need  to donate, and Greyson says you have nothing to wear? It sounds like a  worthy cause to me." She stood, her big belly jutting out from her as  she waited for me. I could tell by the smile in her eyes that she  thought of us as family.

It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt a title like that belonged to a group of people.

Maybe I didn't need to go to Chicago to find what I was looking for after all.

Maybe I just needed to come home.





Chapter Twelve



Kathryn



"Are you sure I can do this?" I asked Janson as I looked down at him. It  was my first night here. I'd been practicing for a week, and I still  didn't feel ready.

Just like I wasn't ready to go back home. Every time the idea came up, I  just pushed it away. I didn't want my father to know I was here. Not  yet. I needed more time with Janson.

I needed more nights with him. Every night that I spent tangled up in  his arms was another one that made me want more. I couldn't get enough  of that man, and I knew as soon as I went back home it would all come to  an end.

It was selfish, and I knew it, but I was too afraid, and no one was  pushing me to do it. Not yet. I had to wait for Michael's signal, and I  knew that, but it was still terrifying.

The prospect of my father finding out I was here on my own was also so scary.

"And you are sure he won't know to look for me? That he won't know it's me?"

"It isn't your name on the setlist, Kathryn. I hardly think he'll look twice at the name Kat and think it is you."

He had a point. There were probably a million of us in the Metro DC area alone. I still was so nervous.

"You just have some stage fright. But you've done this before. In bigger  crowds. You told me all about Chicago. About the swarms of people. This  is nothing compared to it. A few dozen compared to hundreds, Kathryn."

It wasn't like this. Me on a stage under lights. This felt so personal. So terrifying.

But it was my goal. The one I'd been working towards for so long. Sure,  it was handed to me, but every opportunity feels that way. It's what I  could do with it that mattered. I wasn't going to look a gift horse in  the mouth. Not about this.

I just had to put my big girl pants on and deal with it.

So I stepped out on that stage, and I waited for my introduction.



"Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we have a real treat for you. From the  streets of Chicago, we have a newcomer to the Crystalize's stage. Kat.  She's playing a compilation of her own music." A tall, dark, handsome  figure named Matt introduced me, and I smiled.

I'd brought my setup, including my backtracks for this piece.

I worked best when my violin was the centerpiece that was complimented by an electronic beat.

It started before I did, the rhythm section setting the mood.

Dark. Everything was dark. This was my moment. It wasn't long before the  music swept into my bones and took over my body. I played the violin  like nothing I'd ever done before. I was a part of it. Every time it  felt this way. It felt like I was my instrument and it was me.

I loved that about playing. I loved that about my life. I could lose  myself in my music. Each piece was an expression of the things I'd been  through. It was the climax of all the experiences I'd had.

Most of what I wrote was sad and soulful. But not this first piece. This one was angry. It was scared. It was beautiful.

It was the culmination of what I felt when I saw my father for who he really was, and it told the story without words.

It didn't need it. It was so fueled with rage that anyone listening  would know that this was a part of me. A deep piece of my soul.                       
       
           



       

I rushed my fingers as I got to the most complex piece. It had to be just right. It had to have the desired effect.

I knew they were all staring at me. That everyone was looking at me. Willing me to continue.

But the pause came at just the right moment, and the audience held on  through it. Until the music broke again and I hit the finale.

It was perfect. Every piece of it.

I ended it and looked around.

Jaws. I saw jaws drop.

Then the applause.

It was the moment I'd already dreamed of.

That was when I saw him at the edge of the stage, staring at me.

Janson. Pride. Admiration. I never expected to see those things from  anyone when it came to me. Especially not him. He was a good man but he  was hard. And it was so impossible to see what he was feeling. To  understand what was going on in his mind.

"Thank you so much for having me," I said as bent down and played the  next piece. Then the next. My set went perfectly and I was so proud of  myself. Of everything I'd ever done to get there.

Of my brother for suggesting this. It was just what I needed.

When I finished, I took a deep bow and hurried off the stage.

"That was amazing, Kat," Matt said as he greeted me. "I have to go  announce the next musician, but I want to talk to you about doing more  work for us. I know we had you on as a favor, but damn, girl. You can  play."