A Little Harmless Submission(44)
He rubbed his hand down her arm. “What was it about?”
She shook her head, knowing she would never remember what brought the mini-panic attack on. “I have no idea.”
She tried to pull away, but he held onto her. The panic swelled. She needed some separation. Her attempt was thwarted by the big lug of man in the bed with her. He pulled her against his chest and then reclined back in bed. She had no choice other than to lay her head on chest.
“Tell me about it.”
His chest rumbled against her ear.
“Just a little panic attack, or at least that’s what I call them.”
He said nothing, just slipped his fingers up and down her spine.
“Well?”
“Well what?’ he asked, his voice patient.
She sat up then, and he let her. He had no expression on his face. And he didn’t look like he was ready to kick her out of the bed.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m having panic attacks?”
“First of all, you aren’t.” She opened her mouth, but he ignored her. “What you had was a bad dream. You’ve been under a lot of stress.”
She let loose a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She hadn’t told anyone about the dreams, her worries. It had been less than a week, but she felt comfortable enough to tell Rome just what she felt.
“On top of it, we didn’t use any protection. I’m not usually so careless.”
“I’m on the pill, and I know both of us have been tested,” she said, but she hadn’t even realized he hadn’t.
“If there is a problem, you will let me know.”
It wasn’t a question, or even a demand—just a statement of fact.
“Now,” he said. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
She almost said nothing. It would be easy to resist the need to share, to let another human being know what she was feeling. It made her vulnerable, and she didn’t like it. But for once she ignored her instincts. “I feel like I’m being crushed.”
He nodded in understanding. “I know the feeling. You know about me leaving Seattle, right?”
“Yes. You’re partner…”
“Was as dirty as a sewer rat. Yeah.” He sighed. “I should have known.”
“You were cleared.”
“Yeah, but for months afterward, I had insomnia. Mainly because I kept going back into that warehouse where I caught her…and she gave me no choice but to shoot her.”
“That’s tough.” And now that she’d said it, she realized how stupid it sounded. It was beyond tough. Your partner was the one person on Earth you were supposed to trust. More than even your family.
“It was worse. We were sleeping together. It started innocently enough, being undercover the way we were, but in the end, it screwed with my thinking. I doubted myself.”
It got worse. Now her worries seemed so small compared to that. And she wondered if that was the reason people said he would never settle down. More than one person had told her Romeo Carino would never settle for one woman. He would have a sub for a while and then they would part ways.
“So, tell me what gives you nightmares.”
“Nothing,” she said and started to look away. He grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.
“Tell me.”
“Everything. Dad dying. It was tough. I moved back in with him after the final diagnosis. He didn’t want to die in a hospital.”
“Does any of it have to do with the bullet wound in your shoulder?”
For a moment, she couldn’t think of what he was talking about. Then she remembered her rookie year.
“Naw, that happened a few years ago during a bust. It hurt like hell, but wasn’t much.”
He nodded. “So what else?”
She sighed. “Just all of it. There are a lot of times I wonder if I was cut out to be an FBI agent.”
The moment she said the words, she wanted to call them back. She glanced at Rome to see what his reaction was.
“Why?”
“Why? I just don’t feel… It’s hard for me to describe. But at first I loved it. Loved the fact that I was so good at something.”
“You are one of the best agents I’ve met.”
Maria couldn’t stop the warmth that filled her chest at the thought. “Really?”
He nodded. “You’re smart, and you know a lot about the FBI, probably thanks to your father. But most of all, you’re open to other ideas. One of the big mistakes of the FBI, and one reason I decided not to apply, was that they looked at everything in the federal way. One way, never open to other ideas. If you did, you went against the grain. I’d had enough of that in the military.”