A Lick of Frost (Merry Gentry #6)(34)

“Kitto,” Rhys said. “I know I was awful to you once, but I’ve tried to make up for it.”Kitto’s voice came out muffled. “Did you do all of it just to make up?”
Rhys seemed to think about it. “At the beginning, but you’re the only one who will watch more than two gangster movies in a row with me and actually enjoy them. The others tolerate it. Or were you just being polite?”
Kitto spoke, still under the covers. “I like James Cagney. He’s short.”
“Yeah, I like that about him, too,” Rhys said.
“You are not small,” Kitto said.
“For a sidhe I am.”
Kitto pulled an edge of cover down so he could see the other man. I lay there unneeded. This was a guy moment that had strangely turned into a girl moment. I’d noticed with Kitto that the guy silence didn’t quite work. He had an almost feminine need to talk, to express his thoughts and feelings, or they weren’t real to him.
“Edward G. Robinson is short, too,” Kitto said softly.
Rhys smiled. “Bogart wasn’t all that tall either.”
“Really? They make him look tall.”
“Apple crates and camera angles,” Rhys said.
Kitto didn’t ask what he meant by apple crates, which meant that they’d already had a talk about shorter actors standing on things to look taller for the camera. It was also a cheap way to make your villain or hero look like he was strong enough to lift someone one-handed. Ah, B-movie magic.
Kitto came a little farther out of the covers. “What do you want, Rhys?”
“I want to apologize that I ever thought you were like Holly and Ash and the rest.”
“I am not strong like they are,” Kitto said.
Rhys shook his head. “You are kind and you crave kindness. That isn’t a sin.”
“You have explained this concept of sin, and if I understand it, then yes, Rhys, it is a sin to be weak among the goblins. A sin that most often ends in death.”
Rhys sat on the corner of the bed. Kitto didn’t flinch, which was a big improvement. “I heard that you’re going to help Merry with the goblins tonight,” said Rhys.
“Yes,” Kitto said.
“We took another call from the goblins since Merry came in here.”
Ah, here it comes, I thought.
Kitto sat up, drawing his knees tight in a hug, sliding the covers around him and a little off of me. “What has happened?”
“Kurag, Goblin King, was surprised that you would be willing to help with the brothers tonight. He said that Holly used you as a trollop when he couldn’t find a female he liked.”
“A lot of them used me when I was between masters.” Kitto said it as if it were just ordinary.
“He said one of your masters was a favorite of the brothers, and that you helped with that, too.” I knew Kurag hadn’t used the word “helped.” Goblins were blunt about sex, except for ones like Kitto, who had spent their lives having to be servile. Strangely, the weaker goblins were the ones who were best at diplomacy among their kind. When a misspoken word can get you killed or maimed, I guess you learn to mind your tongue. I know it had helped make me cautious. 
“My last master enjoyed their company.”
“What happened to your last master?” Rhys asked.
“She grew tired of me and set me free to find a new master.” He touched my arm.
“You see Merry as your new master,” Rhys said.
“Yes.”
That was news to me. “Kitto,” I said, and he looked at me. “Do you feel you have no choice when I ask you to do something?”
“What you ask of me is pleasant. You are the best master I have ever had.”
It wasn’t quite the answer I’d wanted. I looked at Rhys, trying to convey with my eyes “help me figure out how to ask this question.”
Rhys answered it himself. “You aren’t going to break a lifetime of habit with a few months of safety, Merry.”
He was right, but I didn’t like the fact that Kitto felt that he had little choice in his new life. “You are sidhe, Kitto,” I said.
“But I am also goblin,” he said, as if that settled it. Maybe it did.
“Why would you volunteer to be with Merry tonight with Ash and Holly?” Rhys asked.
“No one else here truly understands what they are capable of. I must be there to see that if harm happens it is not Merry that it happens to.”
“You mean you’ll take the abuse so she doesn’t have to,” Rhys said.
Kitto nodded.
I sat up and hugged him. “I don’t want you to be hurt either.”
He leaned into the hug. “And that is why I would take the hurt willingly. Besides, I am harder to hurt than you are.”
“If you will allow me, I will join you and Merry this afternoon,” Rhys said.
“Tonight, you mean,” I said.
“No, I don’t know if I’m that strong yet.” He looked down, then up, but it was not me he looked at. “I don’t know if I am as strong as my friend.”
“Friend?” Kitto made it a question.
Rhys nodded.
“How can you say you are not as strong as me?” Kitto asked.
“I was the victim of the goblins who hurt me for a single night. Yet I have feared and hated all goblins for years. You have taught me that that was wrong. But I still don’t know if I am strong enough to be in the room when Merry goes to the goblins tonight. I don’t know if I can stand to be in the room and watch and guard her. You had years of…hurt, by the very goblins who will be here tonight. Yet you will give yourself to them to protect Merry. I say to you, Kitto, that that is a kind of bravery I do not have.” His single beautiful eye shimmered in the dimness.
Kitto reached out and touched his arm. “You are brave. I have seen it.”
Rhys shook his head and closed his eye. One lone tear trailed down his face, shining more than any human tear would have in the twilight of the room.
Kitto touched that single tear with one fingertip. He offered the trembling drop to me, but I shook my head. He raised it to his lips, and Rhys watched him lick his tear off of his finger. Tears were not as precious as blood and other fluids, but they were still gifts. I knew that sometimes the goblins tortured simply to gather tears.
The sidhe would make you cry, but they didn’t value the tears.
“Can I join you?” Rhys asked, and I knew it wasn’t me he was asking.Kitto gazed into his face and finally nodded yes.
CHAPTER 18
RHYS’S CLOTHES AND WEAPONS ENDED IN A HEAP BY THE BED. Stripped, he was as amazing as ever. There were guards who had longer waists, or broader shoulders, but no one had the sculpted muscles in stomach, chest, arms, and legs that Rhys did. All of him was smooth and hard and strong.
The bed wouldn’t have been big enough for me and two of most of the other men, but Kitto and Rhys both took up less room than most. There was room for the three of us.
I lay between the smooth, muscled weight of the two of them, and it felt so good. The sensation of it made me close my eyes and simply concentrate on the feel of their bodies against mine. I had needed this, to be comforted by people who cared for me, to be held, and not to have to worry. Had Doyle understood that I would have lain there tense, listening for his pain sounds, and not truly rested? Perhaps he had.
Only now, as Rhys and Kitto ran their hands over me, laid a kiss on first one shoulder, then the other, did I realize that it wasn’t about sex today. It was about needing to be held, needing to be cared for. Was I so weak that I needed this, even when the man I said I loved was injured? Would I ever be truly content with the touch of just one man, no matter who it was?
I didn’t love Doyle any less as I lay between the two men, but they gave me something he could not. They gave me uncomplicated touch. I did not love either of them in that way. I loved them, but…but their tears did not cut my heart. Their sorrows made me sorrow, but I did not bleed as they bled. Love makes you weak and strong. There had been that moment earlier today when I’d thought my Darkness was no more. It had been like losing a piece of myself. It had frozen me, made me lose focus. Dangerous, it was. But hadn’t I done the same thing when Galen had nearly died by assassination in faerie? Yes, I had. I’d loved Galen since I was a child. A part of me would always love him. But it was the love of a child, and I was no longer a child.
“You’re not paying attention,” Rhys said.
I blinked up at him where he lay beside me. I must have looked surprised, because he laughed. “Your body was enjoying being touched, but your mind was a thousand miles from this bed.” The humor died, leaving his face a little sad. “Has it happened already? Do Doyle and Frost get all of you now?”
It took me a moment to understand what he meant. “No, it’s not that.”
“She’s thinking of politics and power,” Kitto said from where his head lay on my hip and thigh.
Rhys looked at the other man. “In the middle of foreplay she’s thinking about politics? Oh, that’s even worse.” 
“She often touches me and thinks at the same time. It seems to clear her mind.”
Rhys looked down at me from where he was propped up on his elbow. “Did all that touching simply clear your head?”
It was an insult to have not been paying attention. “I was enjoying it, Rhys, honestly. But my mind is racing a thousand miles an hour. I can’t seem to make it still.” I looked down my body to Kitto. “Do I truly use you simply to clear my mind?”