A Convenient Arrangement(59)
“And we’re not seeing each other anymore,” Gwen said.
“Gwen…I’m—” Aubrey started. Gwen couldn’t bear to see the pity on her friend’s face. She stood up abruptly.
“Okay, I should go. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night, right?”
“Right,” Aubrey said. She glanced up at Gwen. The muscles around her lips twitched, and her mouth half-opened, as though she wanted to say something. She paused. “Listen, I’m sorry.”
Gwen hesitated. She wanted to cut Aubrey off, avoid dredging up the hurt and embarrassment of recalling that difficult Sunday, a day that turned out to be pointless anyway. But hurting her friend in return by running away wouldn’t fix anything either.
“I…I should have been less judgmental and more supportive when you told me about Leo. I do want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy then that’s what I want for you.”
“You don’t have to worry about me and Leo anymore. We broke up. Actually, I don’t even know if I’d call it anything that dramatic. Let’s just say we decided that our future goals don’t align.”
Aubrey unconsciously reached for her belly, circling her palm over the baby bump.
“It’s like you said. I want marriage and kids and Leo doesn’t.” Gwen fought to keep the sadness from her voice. She wasn’t bitter. She was disappointed, and not even so much at Leo. She knew Leo and who he was, what he wanted out of life, well before she’d agreed to date him.
She’d also sworn to herself that she wouldn’t try to change him…so why the disappointment? Why the surprise? Because she’d felt a connection to him. She’d hoped that he’d want a different life because of her. That with her, he could see himself married and with a family. When she looked at it logically, though, even she could hardly imagine that version of Leo. He was the poster child for bachelorhood. Literally. And lucky her, she was planning the party.
“There was no yelling or tears, no name calling. We simply acknowledged that I want one thing and he wants another and neither one of us is willing to give up what we want.” Gwen dropped her gaze to her best friend’s baby bump. “I mean it’s fair, right? Very adult.”
“Very reasonable,” Aubrey agreed.
“Very reasonable,” Gwen echoed. She picked up her computer bag. So reasonable and yet, Gwen didn’t feel one bit reasonable. Reasonability had exited her life along with Leo, and his attention and his body and every bit of him that made her thrum with desire.
“I mean I feel a bit…” Embarrassed, she silently finished, but she couldn’t force herself to say the word aloud, “sorry for myself, and that I’m simply not fit to be around. Like I should go hide with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a book.” She couldn’t hide. Bridezillla Milan, had called an emergency meeting to discuss her current demands regarding her outrageously self-indulgent wedding.
“It’ll get better,” Aubrey offered. She looked concerned, as though she wished she could lift the hurt from Gwen. “I can understand wanting to have a pity party. I’ve thrown a few of those for myself.”
Heat flamed into Gwen’s cheeks. “It’s just—I knew, okay? I knew going in, and still—it’s so silly, right? That I could even think that I would change his mind.” She frowned, blinking rapidly to force back the prickling feeling behind her eyelids.
“Did you think you’d change his mind?”
“Not really…I mean…I’ve never really felt this way with anyone before. I think I couldn’t help but hope for something more.”
Aubrey reached out and clasped Gwen’s hand. “The right one, he’s out there. You’ll find him.”
Again the hot feeling of embarrassment and shame washed over her. Was she so shallow that she couldn’t feel complete without a man? But she did feel complete, and competent, and worthy, so it wasn’t that exactly. Then what was it?
“I know. It’s just, I let myself get attached and so did he. We both did. We agreed to explore our feelings…I wouldn’t go out with him otherwise. So maybe since he bent his rules for me while we dated, I thought maybe he might be capable of changing his vision for his future for me too.” She forced a smile to her face even while the tears she had been trying to suppress flooded her eyes. No, she wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Aubrey. Not in front of anyone. “We really had fun together.”
Aubrey nodded, her face sympathetic. Gwen could hardly bear having that look directed at her. She ran her fingertips under her eyes. Aubrey held out a tissue to her and Gwen grabbed it. “Enough. I’ll be okay. I have to be. I have bridezilla in a half an hour, and I’m really not sure if she actually loves her fiancé or just loves the idea of a wedding. I have to keep it together.”