A Broken Forever(66)

       
         
       
        

Just because I was learning how to manage functioning without Stefan as the foreground of my mind, he never went away. Even this morning I experienced the letdown and fear that Stefan would no longer send flowers, with a beautiful note, because he decided I was more trouble than I was worth.

"Grey?" Amy reached a hand out, resting it on my knee. "Can I speak candidly for a few minutes?"

There were times I hated when Amy asked me that, but now I understood why. She had the ability to read me and reiterate the deepest emotions of my heart that I could never get out. Her logic and sensical way of thinking always had a way of wording everything I found myself unable to say.

At this point, the happy façade was pulled away revealing the truth behind the curtain. This all-together woman was in desperate need of answers and reasons for the things that kept me awake at night.

"Please do."

"You are trying very hard to move on, and I commend that, so much. The way you have suffered in your past is more than many will experience in their lifetime. There are many touchy subjects in your life that you long to keep locked away, and that is very understandable. With Stefan though, you have never known how to really move forward with the ghost of that relationship. You have used two different approaches, both of which are the extremes. Up until recently you have forced yourself to shut him out completely. It wasn't okay for you to think of him, remember him, or even try to understand him. Leaving things unanswered is never a healthy way to move forward. You can't reset the tracks of your life without first going back and examining where the train fell off." Her eyes held mine intensely, as if she was gripping onto my soul and speaking directly to all my uncertainty.

"Ever since you ran into him though, your approached has changed. No longer are you able to push memories and questions to the back when just being near him brings them all into focus. You're treading this new relationship with extra caution but by doing that, you are not asking the questions your heart needs answered." Amy's hand reached out for mine.

"Grey, you want to be angry with him. You want to punish him and make him tell you why he broke the vow to stand by your side. But most importantly, you are longing to forgive him. Stefan was never just a husband to you, he was your whole world. And whether you want to see this or not-he still is. No one went through what the two of you did. There are many ways for you both to heal the other but it is a difficult subject to approach. This single topic cost you and Stefan everything and the thought of diving head first into that pain again keeps you from trying."

My face scrunched as the tears pooled relentlessly. The hand not being held covered my face, providing the blanket of security I craved. 

"Don't be afraid of your history and don't give up the fight for serenity. You can have everything you deserve, but only if you let in the pain and learn to forgive yourself. Stefan needs to heal and move forward, just as much as you do. Let your heart open to the good and the bad, and in the end you will learn to truly be happy. No one in this world knows you the way he does, and he is the only one who can set you free."



The constant feeling of misery and heartache were taking a serious toll on my mental health. The fluctuating range of reactions I had from one thing to another was making me sick. One minute I was on cloud nine, and the next I was existing in a graveyard of memories unable to breathe. I had tried remedying them with liquor, working more, and even paying a visit to my brother. Every single one came with remorse that spiraled my mood further downward.

After I left Amy's office I decided there was only one way I wanted to spend my evening. I picked up a pint of ice cream from the grocery store, and then I stopped by a video store and bought a few of my favorite chick flicks. Normally I wasn't in the mood to watch this sort of genre, but it was just that kind of night.

I finally relented that tonight would be for me. There wouldn't be any notions of 'healing' and expecting to wake-up the next morning completely recovered. The instant expectations weren't going to do me any good. It was high time I stopped treating this situation like one that could be fixed overnight. For the rest of the day I napped, took a bubble bath, and when dinner time rolled around I ordered my favorite greasy pizza, that Richard about gagged at the sight of.

My hair was scrunched up on top of my head, and I wore some of the best grungy clothes I have ever owned. One chick-flick after another, pizza, and ice cream straight from the container-I was dumfounded with myself for not thinking of this sooner. It may not be a cure for anything but it was just the start I needed to truly find myself.