A Beautiful Distraction(88)

The small, average woman and the tall, scrawny man that I’d met with and talked to over the last few months slowly walked into the room. The woman, Renee, was carrying a bouquet of mixed flowers and a stuffed elephant. Her narrow, simple features were elated and her thin lips were beaming with a smile. Tears streamed silently down her face as she looked at her husband with such happiness, such wonder, that my own tears became heavy and quick.

“Fallon,” she admired. “She’s beautiful. She’s absolutely perfect.” Moving closer to me, Renee leaned down and softly ran her hand over the dark, downy hair on my daughter’s head.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shield my daughter from their touch and tell them to get the hell out, to leave. It was caught in the back of my throat, strangling me, suffocating me and ripping away every single muscle and every single nerve that was holding my fragile heart together, keeping me alive.

This wasn’t their baby. This was my baby. This was my daughter. I loved her. Jesus, I never knew I would feel this way, but I did.

“I love you,” Renee whispered as she stared in awe at the little life in my arms.

I felt as if I were dying, losing my heart, losing my soul. But even though every fiber of my existence was now intertwined in the little life I held in my arms, and even though I loved her more than anything—because I loved her more than anything—I pressed a single kiss to her forehead and ran my finger down the side of her sleeping face, then lifted her up and placed her in Renee’s arms.

The undeniable love and joy that filled her eyes broke my heart all over again. This woman looked at my daughter like a mother who was looking into the heart of her child for the first time—the way I had looked at her only an hour ago.

Renee loved her. She was her mother now.

“Here,” she whispered, reaching out and placing a small pendant necklace in my hand. It was a dainty gold chain holding a tiny gold elephant charm. Her eyes flitted lovingly over the baby, then back down to me. “Elephants are my favorite animal. We’ve decorated the nursery in grays and whites with a beautiful elephant mobile.” She paused and glanced back at her husband as her tears became more constant and her voice became strangled with emotion. “Elephants represent strength, and you, Fallon, have such strength. I can’t imagine the strength you have inside you, and I admire you for it. But elephants also represent memory. And I want you to know that I will never, ever forget the love you have for this little girl, and I will always remember the sacrifice you’ve made. And I promise to love her with every breath I take.”

I could only nod. What words was I supposed to form that would convey the utter agony I was feeling inside me? The words I wanted to say I knew I couldn’t. I wanted to tell them she was mine, that I loved her, that I wanted her. But what could I possibly give her? I had no family, no home, no money. She deserved so much more than the life I could provide her. She deserved the world.

I watched silently as they left the room, taking with them the only person I had ever loved. The only person I knew how to love.

I felt the shield go up around me as I lay curled into myself, broken and alone in a hospital bed. Then I rolled to my side and cried until I was empty.

• • •

Hot tears flooded down the sides of Fallon’s cheeks. “Shh. I’m here, babe. Fuck. I’m here.”

Her eyes shot open, startled by the heavy feel of arms around her. She was still on the couch in her living room, where she’d fallen asleep, still in her dress from work, after she’d stupidly driven home from Pete’s. Her mouth was dry, evidence of the Patrón she’d had. And the tears wouldn’t stop.

Another sob raked down her back as Rafe pulled her against him, cradling her in his arms as he picked her up like a toddler and carried her through her house to her room. How did he get in? When? Why was he here?

Her mind tried to keep up, but it only made the world spin around her. She didn’t have the energy to attempt to contemplate him. Nor did she want to. He was here. And right now, that’s all she needed.

Laying her down gently in bed, Rafe slowly unzipped the zipper along the side of her dress and lowered it from her body. He peeled the covers down and she crawled beneath them as he stripped from his T-shirt and jeans.

Her eyes stayed fixed on him, like an anchor holding her in place, preventing her from receding back into the deep crevice of her mind where her memory haunted her. She was mad, and hurt, and scared—all because this beautiful man in front of her had made her feel. He melted her defenses with just his simple touch, and she felt.

He sank to the bed next to her and gathered her limp body in his arms, his rough hands rubbing circles on her back as he held her against him.