The First Last Boy(2)

     



 







RYAN



I don't know what the hell Montana was thinking to ask someone like me  to have sex with her for the sake of having sex. There were girls you  fucked and walked away from and then there were girls you stuck around  for because they embedded themselves into your heart so deeply that you  forgot where your own heartbeat ended and hers began.

Montana had a hold on me that no other girl had ever come close to  having and that scared the shit out of me. Guys that let girls get their  hands around their hearts ended up falling for them and that was never  gonna be me. Love kneed a guy in the balls and kept him stupid enough to  keep crawling back for more. I wasn't in love with her but I didn't  know how to define the place she occupied in my life. Every time I was  near Tana, I wanted to hold her and tell her she'd be safe forever. I  wanted to fight all her demons and slay all her dragons.

Three years ago, I'd found her curled on the ground crying hysterically  in front of a graffiti-filled wall at the park. Because her hands were  red and her nails bloodied, I thought maybe she'd tried to fight off  some guy who'd wanted to rape her. I was pissed and ready to beat ass on  her behalf because I'm not down with an asshole that would abuse a  girl. But that wasn't her story at all.

We'd been in each other's lives since that day. I didn't know any girls  like her-ones that came from money but now didn't have it. The ones I  knew were like me, products of a weary foster care system that didn't  give a shit. Add judges who saw paperwork and not faces, blend in foster  parents who only saw dollar signs instead of kids and you had all the  ingredients needed to raise fucked-up hard asses guaranteed to do  serious time. Kids who turned into guys like me who'd learned not to  give a shit, too. That's why I never made any promises to Tana. I'd only  disappoint her if I did. I didn't know the first thing about how to  give of myself. Even if I ever reached the place where I wanted to, I  didn't know how to really love someone. No girl deserved that.

Mark let out a loud burp and then laughed. The laughter reverberated  around the tiny kitchen, bouncing off the yellow walls. Tana and her mom  struggled like everyone else in their low-income neighborhood, but  their place managed to look like a home and not some transient slop  house.

Tana smiled at her brother but when her dark eyes met mine across the  table, her smile faded and her cheeks flushed. Her gaze darted back to  her plate. I wish I knew what was going on behind that look.

"You wanna play a game with me?" Mark asked, dropping a pepperoni out of his mouth. He picked it up and popped it back in.

"Ryan has stuff to do," Tana said before I could accept. She sounded like me sticking around was the worst idea in the world.

I bumped my fist against Mark's. "No, I don't. I can play a game with you if Tana plays too."

"Can't. Busy," she said, sending a dark look my way. The look was tinged with desperation and I didn't understand why.

Mark shoved aside his plate and slurped his water.

"You make a space for me and I'll be there in a second," I said.

As soon as her brother vacated the room, Tana started clearing the  table, banging the plates together louder than she usually did.

I understood now that she was pissed off. I just didn't understand why.  If this was about sex, how could she not see that I was looking out for  her? "Tana, c'mon."

"So now I'm Tana again?"

I approached her from behind. "I don't want to fight with you." I hated  it when we were at odds. She'd become my oasis when the demons of my  past were too much to bear. Funny, sweet and gentle, she had a way of  calming the hell that chased me and drove me to do the things I did.

She stopped raking out the scraps of pizza crust Mark would never eat  and turned to face me, her expression a mixture of anger and hurt.  "There's no fight. You'll have sex with a skank and a random skank at  that, but not me."

"Shit. Here we go again." She had no idea what was at stake. Sex with  someone you cared about always changed everything. When she picked up a  cloth to wipe off the table, I grabbed her arm and stopped her. "I only  fuck girls I don't care about. They know the score and they're only  looking for a good time. They don't expect anything after sex and I sure  as hell don't give them anything. There are less complications that  way."

"You know that makes you sound like an asshole."

"I meant it to. I don't care about those girls but you and I are  friends." I ran my hand from her arm up to her shoulder and gazed into  her eyes, hoping she understood what I couldn't even explain to myself.         

     



 

She shook her head and tucked one side of her hair behind her ear. "That  you and I are friends was my whole point. I figured if it was with  someone I care about, you know...it'd be better. I don't want my first  time to be with someone who treats girls the way you treat  your...uncomplicated ones. I don't want to go to college a virgin." She  let out a long sigh when I didn't answer, then bit her lip. "I guess I  can try Brett."

"Brett?" The mention of him made my temper flare. Hidden behind the  smooth face, flashy car, and grin, was a guy who had a habit of not  taking no for an answer. "You talk about assholes. That guy is a major  one."

She shrugged. "He seems nice and he has asked me out."

"He's not, and when did he ask you out?"

"Couple of weeks ago right after graduation."

"You didn't tell me." Now that I knew, I'd spell it out to Brett in blood and broken bones that Tana was off limits.

"Yeah, Ryan, I didn't. It's not like you're my diary or anything." She  crossed her arms against her chest and leaned her back against the sink,  putting some space between us. "Just go play a game with Mark and leave  me alone."

What the fuck had just happened? I was trying to protect her and now I was the bad guy? "Tana-"

"Go!"

I hated when she acted like that. Girl drama drove me bat shit crazy.  Shrugging, I turned around and left the kitchen to go into Mark's room.  He looked up at me when I entered.

His eyes were wide and sad in his small face. "Are you and Tana fighting?"

"We're disagreeing." I shoved aside a pile of toys and took a seat  beside him on the floor at the foot of his bed. I leaned my back against  the blankets and picked up a remote.

"Dad and Mom fought, then he left." Mark maneuvered his player through a jungle and sent me a side-eye glance.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"You know it, buddy."

"Ever?"

"Ever."

Mark looked relieved, then said, "I don't like Brett."

I paused to look over at him. "What?"

"He came over when Mom wasn't here and talked to Tana. He gives me a mean look when he sees me and he scares me."

I was gonna beat Brett's ass twice as hard. "I'll make sure he doesn't come back."

"Cool." Mark stuck his tongue out of his mouth and bit down as he concentrated on the game.

Keys jangled and the front door opened.

"Uh oh." Mark threw the controller aside and jumped up. "I'm grounded. I'm not supposed to be playing."

We exited the room and Mrs. Shaw smiled when she saw me in the narrow  hallway. She was a shorter, slightly heavier version of Tana with eyes  that crinkled in the corners whenever she smiled. "Ryan. I didn't know  you were stopping by." She liked me okay, but that was because she  didn't know about my past. If she did, I doubted she would want me  around either of her kids. Turning her head, she saw the pizza box on  the kitchen counter and frowned.

"I bought a pizza. Hope that's okay," I said, flashing her a wide smile.

"Yes, of course."

Tana joined us and her mom said, "I'm going to take a shower. Mark, did you already shower?"

He rolled his eyes but didn't let her see him. "Yep."

"Then you need to brush your teeth and get in the bed."

"It's Friday," he whined.

"Now, Mark." She said in a weary tone as she walked past me into her bedroom.

Mark stomped into his room. "When I'm an adult, I'll do what I damn well please."

"If Mom hears you talking like that, you won't live to be an adult," Tana said.

Mark slammed his bedroom door and a photograph of the three of them  hanging on the hallway wall fell onto the floor. Tana picked it up and  sighed as she brushed it off and put it back.

"Has your dad been around this week?"

"No. He was supposed to take Mark to an amusement park but he didn't  show. Mark waited on the front porch for hours. This is the fourth time  in a row he's blown him off. I hate that Mark is hurt, but I'm not sorry  my father isn't around much."

From what I'd gleaned about her father, he was pretty much a selfish  asshole. I hated the sadness in her eyes and wanted desperately to fix  it. "I have to work at the garage a half day tomorrow but you wanna do  something after that? We could hit the party at Kurt's house. I'll be  the key man so you can have a good time and I'll get you home safely."