Safe Haven(62)

It wasn't until I had children that I  really understood what love meant. Don't get me wrong. I love Alex  deeply, but it's different from the love I feel for Josh and Kristen. I  don't know how to explain it and I don't know that I need to. All I know  is that despite my illness, I nonetheless feel blessed, because I've  been able to experience both. I've lived a full, happy life and  experienced the kind of love that many people will never know.

But  my prognosis scares me. I try to be brave around Alex, and the kids are  still too young to understand what's really happening, but in quiet  moments when I'm alone, the tears come readily, and sometimes I wonder  if they're ever going to stop. Though I know I shouldn't, I'll find  myself dwelling on the fact that I'm never going to walk my children to  school or that I'll never get another chance to witness their excitement  on Christmas morning. I'll never help Kristen shop for a prom dress or  watch Josh play baseball. There is so much I will never see and do with  them, and sometimes I despair that I'll be nothing but a distant memory  by the time they get married.

How can I tell them that I love them if I'm no longer there?

And  Alex. He's my dream and my companion, my lover and my friend. He's a  devoted father, but more than that, he's my ideal husband. I can't  describe the comfort I feel when he takes me in his arms, or how I look  forward to lying down beside him at night. There's an unshakable  humanity about him, a faith in the goodness of life, and it breaks my  heart to imagine him alone. That's why I've asked him to give you this  letter; I thought of it as a way of making him keep his promise that he  would find someone special again-someone who loves him, and someone he  could love. He needs that.         

     



 

I was blessed to be married to him for  five years and I've mothered my children for less time than that. Now,  my life is almost over and you are going to take my place. You'll become  the wife who grows old with Alex, and you'll become the only mother my  children will ever know. You can't imagine how terrible it is to lie in  bed, staring at my family and knowing these things, and realizing  there's nothing I can do to change them. Sometimes, I dream that I'll  find a way to come back, that I can find a way to ensure they're going  to be all right. I like to believe that I'll watch over them from  heaven, or that I can visit them in their dreams. I want to pretend that  my journey isn't over and I pray that the boundless love I feel for  them will somehow make it possible.


This is where you come in. I want you to do something for me.

If  you love Alex now, then love him forever. Make him laugh again, and  cherish the time you spend together. Take walks and ride your bikes,  curl up on the couch and watch movies beneath a blanket. Make him  breakfast, but don't spoil him. Let him make breakfast for you as well,  so he can show you he thinks you're special. Kiss him and make love to  him, and consider yourself lucky for having met him, for he's the kind  of man who'll prove you right.

I also want you to love my  children in the same way I do. Help them with their homework and kiss  their scraped elbows and knees when they fall. Run your hand through  their hair and assure them they can do anything they put their mind to.  Tuck them in at night and help them say their prayers. Make their  lunches; support them in their friendships. Adore them, laugh with them,  help them grow into kind, independent adults. What you give them in  love, they'll return tenfold in time, if only because Alex is their  father.

Please. I beg you, do these things for me. After all, they are your family now, not mine.

I'm  not jealous or angry that I've been replaced by you; as I mentioned  already, I consider you a friend. You've made my husband and children  happy, and I wish I were around to be able to thank you in person.  Instead, all I can do is assure you that you have my everlasting  gratitude.

If Alex has chosen you, then I want you to believe that I have chosen you as well.


Your friend in spirit,

Carly Jo





When  Katie finished reading the letter, she wiped her tears and ran her  finger over the pages before slipping them back into the envelope. She  sat quietly, thinking about the words that Jo had written, already  knowing she would do exactly as Jo had asked.

Not because of the  letter, she thought, but because she knew that in some inexplicable way,  Jo was the one who'd gently urged her to give Alex a chance in the  first place.

She smiled. "Thank you for trusting me," she  whispered, and she knew that Jo had been right all along. She'd fallen  in love with Alex and she'd fallen in love with the children and she  already knew that she couldn't imagine a future without them. It was  time to go home, she thought, it was time to see her family.

Outside,  the moon was a brilliant white disk that guided her as she made her way  toward the jeep. But before climbing in, she glanced over her shoulder  in the direction of Jo's.

The lights were on and the windows of  the cottage were glowing yellow. In the painted kitchen, she saw Jo  standing near the window. Though she was too far away to make out much  more than that, Katie had the sense she was smiling. Jo raised a hand in  a friendly farewell, and Katie was reminded again that love can  sometimes achieve the impossible.

When Katie blinked, however,  the cottage was dark again. No lights were on and Jo had vanished, but  she thought she could hear the words in the letter being carried on the  gentle breeze.

If Alex has chosen you, then I want you to believe that I have chosen you as well.

Katie smiled and turned away, knowing it wasn't an illusion or a figment of her imagination. She knew what she saw.

She knew what she believed.