Obsession, Loving An Alpha Male(65)

I turned to walk away and heard Rasheda say, “Do you hear that, Tisha? Our sister finally got a back bone.”

When our eyes met I didn’t see anything callous in them. She smiled at me and sat down next to Wayne. I really should be pissed at that scene, and I was trying to find the emotion but nothing surfaced. I just smiled back at her and went back to my table.

Throughout the night I sat with my family, talking to my mom and sisters mostly. Liliana created a slide show of their family to be played during the night. We all laughed and awed and looked on silently, reverently, as we saw through simple photos how much Pops and Mama Joe were in love. The unconditional love they had for each other then, and as he guided his wife along the dance floor after the slide show, you could clearly see they still had it.

My mom asked me questions about where I lived while I was away, and I told her about my life in Pittsburgh. I didn’t make eye contact with the men at the table. I was fighting the urges to punch my father in his face and knock Wayne upside the head.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to fight my sisters too. But seeing Wayne with my sister was something I wasn’t ready for. I mean, from all the things Rasheda did to me growing up, how Wayne could be with her was mind–boggling. I will admit they looked good together. He seemed to genuinely love my sister, and Rasheda was a lot to take in. Knowing my sister, I knew who was running things in the relationship. Then again, the way Rasheda was sitting in her seat quiet as a church mouse instead of commenting on everything and everyone she saw, maybe I was mistaken.

“So what’s up with you and that white boy?” my sister, Rasheda, asked.

Yeah… there she is…

I looked at her for a moment before I asked, “What do you mean?”

I felt all eyes on me at the table and even some from surrounding tables as well.

“Oh come on, you know what I mean. You had that boy coming to our house, knocking people around, cussing people out and shit. Is that your man or what?”

I looked at Rasheda confused. Malcolm did confirm that he, Josh and Shane went to my house to get some help from my family, but I didn’t know what actually happened.

I shrugged. “Well, if you’re speaking about Josh, yes he and I are together.”

“How did that happen?” Latisha asked. “I mean, all our lives we’ve been told to stay away from them. All they want to do is bring us down… and you go and leave your family for them.”

I took a deep breath and turned to my direct left to face her. “Well Latisha, I didn’t leave my family for anyone. The day I left New Jersey I didn’t have a family. No one had my back or cared about my well–being. I was out there on my own. So I don’t believe I left anyone.”

“So you blame us for what happened to you, is that it?”

“Latisha, now isn’t the time or the place to discuss this,” my mother scolded.

Latisha, however, didn’t get the hint, and she kept talking.

“No… I’m not going to sit here and pretend she just didn’t leave without so much as a word. She sent you, mama, a stupid fucking card one time in the whole five years she was gone. Then out of the blue some badass wannabe comes in our house, attacks Noah, disrespects my parents and leaves without reprimand. I’m sorry, I won’t be a part of this. I won’t sit here and pretend this is okay. She’s always been able to get away with murder. She always got the attention because she’s lighter than us with good hair and green eyes. Well, fuck that. Y’all have me fucked up for real.”

She folded her arms and looked at me. All eyes were on us I could feel it. But I wasn’t fazed by it at all. No, I was livid.

I leaned away from my sister and said to her, in a quieter tone, “Wow, I’m sorry for the attention I got. Believe me, if I could’ve changed that I would’ve. I mean, how great do you think it was for me the many times I went to bed without eating when I was four years old because you two did some shit and instead of taking the heat, you blamed me. You knew for a fact I got punished harsher than either of you combined, but that never stopped you. Or maybe I should bring up the many times I would clean the whole house, and just before our father walked in the door, you two would dirty the house again and tell him I cleaned nothing?”

“Oh please Kenya, that’s not that big of a deal. It was a joke.” My sister responded.

“Are you kidding me, Tisha? I spent two days in the basement with nothing to eat and drink because of that joke.”

“You are over acting Kenya…” my father huffed.

“No, dad, I’m afraid not. Any attention I got wasn’t good attention. Ask Wayne the many times he snuck out of his house to bring me food to the window after like the third day I was left in the basement.” I looked at Wayne. “Remember that day? My so–called family. You know, the ones that I so selfishly left without so much as a goodbye, left me in the basement for four days. They got so excited that some family invited them upstate that they jumped in the car and forgot I even existed. So please excuse me if I decided I was done being around a family that didn’t give a shit about me. And a man that felt it was okay to choke the crap out of me in order to get himself off. I had no one to go to, so I did the best thing I could. I took care of myself.” I stood. “And I tell you if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing except you wouldn’t be here tonight.”

I turned away from my mother who reach for me and walked out of the hall. I couldn’t believe my sister went there. Well, I guess I should. I mean, Wayne used to tell me that my sisters were jealous of me, and I used to tell him how much that wasn’t true.

I’d rarely talked to anyone or complained about the different things I went through as a child. I’d told Josh and Josh’s mom some things, but not the about the times where I went to bed hungry and woke up for school late so I didn’t get a chance to eat until lunch, all because of something I was accused of doing that my sisters actually did. Sometimes I think my father knew it wasn’t me, but he just punished me because. I don’t think he liked me, and when I say I did nothing to deserve that but be born is an understatement.

I made my way out onto the deck and let the cold breeze from the ocean cool me down. When I think back to everything that had happened to me growing up, the many days and nights I spent in the basement, was definitely the reason why I accepted so much darkness in my life. I spent most of my young childhood in the dark, hungry and cold. Darkness became my solace and what I expected and sometimes felt I deserved. If anything positive happened in my life, I never felt comfortable with it. It was easier to accept the darkness because I was so used to misery.

But I didn’t want the darkness anymore. I got a taste of light and warmth, and I seemed to crave it. I wanted that warm and fuzzy feeling you got when someone that loved you embraced you. That love that they feel for you seemed to flow from them to you, and you feel it all through your body.

That’s what I feel when Mama Joe hugs me, and Pops. When Liliana puts her arm through mine, and when Malcolm places a protective arm around my shoulders.

And the moment I see Josh, I feel everything he feels for me by just looking in his eyes. He doesn’t have to touch me, and I can feel how much he loves me, desires me and just... I don’t know how to explain it. I just know he doesn’t hesitate to make me feel how much he loves me in everything he does. It’s overpowering, it’s exhilarating, and it’s so fucking intense. I feel sometimes I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t have him.

I feel like I need him, desperately. He has told me multiple times that I was his obsession. Well, he’s mine too.

I heard footsteps behind me, and I quickly wiped my eyes, feeling tears collecting and not from the brisk wind blowing off the Atlantic. Wayne came up next to me and put his jacket on my shoulders.

“So that was something back there. I’m liking the new Kenya.”

I looked over at his smiling face, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah well, the new Kenya is so exhausted from dealing with her family.”

Wayne leaned over the wooden rail that protected us from the falling in the ocean and looked down into the blackness.

“Yeah, I will admit your family is a lot to take.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Yeah well, my advice to you is get out while you can.”

Wayne was silent for a minute, and I continued to look out at the night sky.

“Can I ask you a question?” Wayne said to me.

“Sure.”

“When things went bad for you, why didn’t you call me?”

I looked over at Wayne and rolled my eyes in the night as I responded, “Seriously Wayne… the way we left things, the things you said to me, I felt like we weren’t friends anymore. Besides, what would you have done anyway?”

He stood tall and turned me to face him. “Look, I know the shit I said was fucked up, and to be honest, I didn’t mean any of it. It was my father. He told me that Noah wanted you, and that you two made more sense than the two of us. I fought it though, Kenya. You have to believe me but… I mean, I guess you were right. I couldn’t stand up to my father for you. How was I going to protect you?” Wayne looked down at the deck and exhaled. When he looked back at me, he said simply, “But I like to believe I would have at least tried to figure something out. I mean, to think that son of a bitch put his hands on you. That’s unacceptable.”