“Shouldn’t that be her choice?” Dexter asks, drinking his glass of brandy. I'm contemplating asking him for one even though I never drink.
“I have to make the right one for her now. She’ll get over me and meet a nice normal guy,” I say, more to myself than them.
“You’re really going to let her go? Just like that?” Dexter asks suspiciously.
“Trust me it’s not 'just like that',” I say defensively.
“I think you’re making a mistake. I think you should tell her and she will understand. She’ll stand by you,” Helen says pleading.
“I didn’t come here for you guys to convince me out of it. If you don’t have the medicine to fix me, if you don’t have a solution to this problem, I don’t want to hear any alternatives or suggestions!” I tell them.
“Okay,” Dexter says simply, Helen nods. Dexter slides over the folder to me. I review the terms of what we discussed. The financial details at least. I want to make sure Lauren’s taken care of the rest of her life. She shouldn’t have to want for anything. I flip through to the final page in the folder. It’s divorce papers. I look away quickly and grab the pen on the table and sign it. When she’s ready to move on completely I don’t want anything to stop her. I don’t want her to be stuck, even though it feels like a knife cutting through me as I sign my name. Once I’m done I slide the papers across the table to him. He takes the folder and stands up from the table.
“Well I think I’m done here," he says, heading towards the door of their office.
“Dex…” He stops mid step.
“Remember, she’s not to know under any circumstances about Chris. No matter what,” I tell him. He turns back towards me.
“None?” he asks. I can’t think of a reason that would be important for her to ever need to know.
“None. Promise me. On your name,” I tell him. If it’s one thing that’s important to them, it’s their name.
“Done,” he says quietly before leaving the room.
“I’m sorry about Gwen, Cal,” Helen says solemnly.
“I’m sorry about everything,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Come on Helen. You have to keep up the façade that you don’t have a heart,” I wink at her and she smirks.
“Be careful, I’m going to start thinking you have one,” she says and we both stand from the table.
“I have a heart. It’s just not all that big,” I tease her. She walks over and gives me a hug. For the first time ever I really hug her back.
“I know you want her to hate you when you tell her goodbye. Just try to remember, that could be the last time she sees you. Leave her with something to know how much it is that you love her,” she says, looking me in the eye.
“Take care of my girl for me,” I tell her as she walks me to the door.
“Absolutely,” she promises as I enter their private elevator to take me to their exit. She waves and I give her a little salute.
*
When I walk into the house it’s dark except for the light in the hall near our bedroom. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I head up the stairs. This is the first time since I’ve known her that I don’t want to see her. That I wish I didn’t have to because I know what I’m going to tell her is going to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her, now it seems like all I’ve done is hurt her. I think back to that night when I first saw her, how I was trying to save her from that douchebag Michael. I wonder if she would have been better off with him. When I walk in the room she’s sprawled across the bed. Her long dark hair covering the sheets. She’s beautiful, and she seems at peace, all the chaos I’ve brought her, but she still sleeps peacefully.
I want to touch her, to kiss her, but I won’t do that. I don’t deserve that. I deserve to walk out of here and never hear her voice, or feel her touch again. I leave out of the room and walk around the house. The only place I’ve ever felt at home.
She made my house a home, she’s home.
I sit down on the couch and think of all the things I’ve done to her. How good I’ve made her feel, how bad I've made her feel.
After they stopped the medication trial, things just started to crumble. Chris started to come back more frequently. It was starting to be where I didn’t have much time from when we transitioned. I had to be gone more often, I even had to stop working. I couldn’t tell her why. I started to ‘omit’ the truth. What liars tell themselves to feel better, but in reality it’s all a big fabrication. She started to be suspicious but she’s way off base. She thinks I cheat on her. That I have all of these women. I tell her I’d never cheat on her, but she doesn’t believe me because there’s no other plausible explanation. The real explanation is the opposite of plausible. She started to resent me. I saw her change.