Last night we made love—well, Chris and I made love—and I told Chris he was the one I wanted. Cal knows what happened.
Shit, shit, shit!
Why the hell do I feel guilty? They’re both the same fucking person but, the way he’s looking at me, with disdain, anger and almost disgust makes me feel like the lowest creature on the planet. He unfolds his arms and saunters towards me, each step making my heart stampede out of my chest. I expect him to touch me as he gets closer but he steps aside me and closes the door that I left open.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice barely over a whisper. His hand firmly grips my wrist and he turns me around toward him.
“You tell me." His voice is low and stings me but I try not to show it.
“What do you mean?” I ask, feeling my hands quivering in his grasp. I know Cal would never hurt me but he’s so angry.
“I love you Chris. You’re the one I want, Chris,” he says, mimicking my voice.
“Are you kidding?” I let out a nervous chuckle. He can’t be serious; but I know he is.
“You think I’m fucking kidding?” he asks tightly as he quickly relinquishes his hold and shoves me away, causing me to stumble. He storms across the room with his hands on his head but, in a split-second, he whips back around.
“How could you do that to me?!” he shouts and I have to fight to breathe. His voice is deep and strong like it always is, but from the look in his eyes, vulnerability seeps from him. His anguish is hitting me like a truck. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s hurt and I don’t understand. That’s a lie because I get it. I don’t fully understand it, but I do get it. It’s the only thing shutting me up right now.” I try to think of something to say as tears well in my eyes.
“You don’t get to cry, Lauren!” he says angrily.
“Cal. I—I...”
“What? What do you have to say? Tell me!” he demands, walking closer towards me but, before I can even answer, he starts again.
“I loved you for years and all it took was for him to smile your way a couple of times, tell you how much I love you, and your legs fly the fuck open for him?!” he asks. “You tell him you love him. That he’s who you want!”
I try to command the tears coming into my eyes to stop. “You don’t understand,” I squeak out.
“You don’t understand!” He gestures his finger towards me. “I—I can’t even look at you right now,” he growls before grabbing a pair a keys off the table.
“Where are you going?!”
“You can’t just leave!” I shout, grabbing his arm.
“Don’t touch me,” he snarls snatching away from me.
“So you hate me now? Is that it? You hate me?” I’m full-on crying now.
“I wish I could hate you,” he says bitterly but this time he heads into the bedroom instead of out of the door. Before he crosses the threshold he turns to face me. “You were supposed to be different,” he says, shaking his head. “But you’re like everybody else,” he adds quietly and the look in his eyes causes my breath to hitch.
He looks broken and I think I broke him. I broke Cal and I broke Chris. His dad’s right. I’m not good for either of them. I try to stop the wail coming from my mouth, my emotions trying to escape from my body. There’s too much energy I’m trying to keep pent up but I can’t let it out. I slowly sink down to the floor.
How did things get like this? How did I end up here?
When did I become the villain?
He’s looking at me with bitterness, disgust, and what’s bordering on hatred. He’s never looked at me like that before. How can he be so angry at me, like I was with another person? I love him so much. I’ve loved him every day—every part of him. The good and the bad. I hate myself for crying, that I’m sitting here like a sad little girl. How did things get like this? Today everything was supposed to be better. After being with Chris, things were supposed to be good and I have a feeling they’re about to get worse.
I don’t know what to do. Do I call the Scotts? Do I call Dexter? Did sleeping with me cause Chris to run away and hide? A part of me is glad that Cal’s here but how can I not feel terrible knowing that Chris is gone and Cal is in a rage? I don’t know what he’s going to do. I think back to my conversation with his dad. What he said would happen if Cal came back. Oh God, I can’t believe I’m even considering what his dad said. I have never seen Cal as mad as he is now. The only thing worse than his anger is his disappointment. But why is he so angry? Because I slept with him? After two years of being alone I slept with him and he’s upset with me like I betrayed him?