“I’ll give you guys a minute,” she says, standing with Caylen.
“I’m going to enjoy every second I can with her before you leave,” she says to me as she carries her out.
“I’m going to work on your father Chris. He’s stubborn but he loves you so much.” Chris nods and gives both her and Caylen a kiss before they leave the room and she shuts the door behind her.
“My mom really likes you,” he says before sitting on the bed next to me.
“She’s been nothing but kind to me since I’ve arrived and is the best Grandmother Caylen could ever ask for,” I tell him.
“So did that go as good as you hoped it would?” I ask with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
“Much better,” he jokes and we sit quietly, tension starting to swirl around the room.
“About what your dad said,” I start and he takes my hand.
“I get it. I do, and how you feel about Cal. I’m trying to…I can get past that,” he says.
“I know how much you love him and I know it will take more time than it has for you to love me like that, but I’ll wait. As long as it takes,” he says, looking into my eyes and holding my hand. I should be thrilled about his declaration, it’s selfless and so Chris like but that’s not what I want. I need them to see past this as some type of contest or tug of war. They are the same.
“Chris. I already love you like that. This is a disorder, that makes you feel different but you are one and the same. Don’t think of it as me wanting one side of you more than the other. I want all of you,” I tell him and he looks disappointed and lets go of my hand. My stomach drops. Maybe it was too soon, but when is soon going to be soon enough. Especially after everything Helen told me. I did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. I’m not going to coddle them anymore, he is one man, one man that I love and they need to understand that not me. When I woke up next to Chris this morning guilt tried to trickle in. It tried to steal the joy of the moment from me, but when I really think about it—why should I not feel good about sleeping with my husband? He’s my husband officially, the Jenna thing is completely done with. There is no way I’m going to alienate him and push him back to her. It felt right…well it did feel a little wrong too…but it mostly felt right. I need him to know that it’s right, whenever we do it.
“I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my doctor,” he says, putting his head in his hands. I feel a sting of guilt lance through me. The conversation with Dexter Sr. comes up in my mind.
“Her secretary called and left me a message saying she’d be out of the office all month. Then when I called back to make an appointment her secretary said she wasn’t out of the office, but when I told her my name she said she didn’t have openings for the next six months,” he says, frustrated. Oh my God, Dexter Sr. has had Chris blacklisted. Isn’t that against some type of medical ethics?
“I really want to try to grasp this. It’s just really hard,” he groans.
“I know,” I say, interlacing my hand with his.
“But I’m here. We’re in this together,” I say, giving him a little smile.
“I’m thinking about just seeing Helen again. When we go back to Chicago.”
When he says it my heart skips a beat.
“You’re coming with me?” I ask him. I mean it makes sense but I don’t know if he’s really ready.
“Why wouldn’t I? We’re in this together right?” he says giving me a smile that makes me hug him. Maybe all of this won’t be so bad. Maybe everything will be okay. After everything that’s happened we deserve a break. Maybe for now we’ll get one.
chapter 13
November 7, 2010
It can’t be her. It can’t fucking be her! But as soon as I make it downstairs and turn the corner, there she is standing at the desk. When she sees me her eyes light up, but just for a minute, before worry starts to show across her face.
“I’ll handle it from here, Lamar,” I tell the concierge at the desk. I put my hand around her back and usher her towards the front doors.
“What are you doing here?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“I came to speak to your soon to be wife,” she says simply. As soon as we’re out the door the time for playing nice is over.
“How could you do this, Cal? How could you do something as major as this? Does that poor girl know about your disorder? How could you marry someone and not even tell us?” she says, her voice breaking. For a moment I feel a slight tinge of guilt.
“How dare you come here? The night of my engagement party, and tell her what? The man you’re marrying isn’t fucking real!”