“We really would love to see you. I-I would. I really could use your help in all of this,” I say quietly, wishing I had more privacy than a few inches. It’s funny how in just a few days I went from despising Helen and wanting to kick her ass to wanting to talk to her more than anyone. She’s the one person who could help me through this. Because this is not anywhere as easy as I thought it would be.
“Okay. How about I meet you in Michigan tomorrow evening,” she asks and I let out a sigh of relief.
“That would be so amazing.”
“Great. I will call you tomorrow to let you know what time I’ll be arriving.”
“Sounds good. Thank you. Thank you so much Helen,” I tell her before hanging up the phone.
“Do you think we can trust her now?” I look over at him as he briefly glances at me.
“I-I just need someone to talk to. Who understands, who can help me understand,” I tell him honestly, fiddling with the phone in my lap.
“I thought that you had a handle on all of this. That you understood,” he says quietly and I can’t help but let out a dry chuckle.
“I thought I did, Chris. Even after finding out about you and Cal not being here and trying to accept that was doable. But this, it’s a completely different thing. You don’t understand what it’s like for you to be here one day and then he’s here the next. In theory I always knew it could happen, but I never really prepared myself for it.”
“You hoped for it though. Right?” he asks, with not even a hint of sarcasm in his tone. I take a deep breath and try to think of what to say that won’t hurt him, that won’t make things worse. But I only have the truth and I can only be as delicate about it as I can.
“I’m still in love with Cal, Chris. I can’t lie to you about that,” I say quickly and his expression doesn’t break except for a small twitch in his jaw.
“But, I love you too, I’ve fallen for you and it’s hard for me to understand why it seems like loving both of you who, I know as the same man, seems such a betrayal,” I say.
“I never said that I felt betrayed, Lauren. We’ve been friends, I’ve started to care about you a lot but I always knew,” he trails off and the silence is deafening
“You always knew what?”
“If it came down to it. Who you’d choose,” he says quietly. I feel a burning sensation in my throat.
“You know you both hate each other. You have a lot in common. This choice you both bring up. As if it hinges on me…It doesn’t you know? It doesn’t matter if I picked one of you, what would stop the other from popping up whenever you felt like it?” I say, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
“I don’t have a choice in this. Why don’t you both get that? I love you. That’s it, so I’m stuck in this for the long haul, whoever chooses to show up whichever day,” I say angrily. I’m so tired of this. I feel like a fucking volley ball being bounced across a net. I look over at Chris, seething in his quietness. I’m tired of feeling sad and guilty and confused. Maybe I should just stay angry. Angry is better than feeling lost, depressed, and hopeless.
“Would you like to know what Cal told me? Like why were in that house, in that town?” I ask him and he shakes his head.
Really? I’d think he’d want to know that it would be important but I guess not. But what the hell do I know? I don’t even know who the hell I’ve been sleeping with.
Chris
Of course she’s still in love with him. I knew she still loved him, it’s not like I thought otherwise, but to hear her say it. Even after telling me she slept with him, to hear that she loves him. That hurt, more than I expected it to. But, she did say that she loved me.
She’s not afraid to say it, or beat around the bush about it…but how can she love him and love me? We’re so different, and he’s an asshole. I can’t believe I don’t remember what happened between us. I said that I think Cal tricked her, pretended to be me but I was being the asshole then. It doesn’t seem like his style, and when I was at the hotel with her it was getting harder and harder to be around her and not tell her the truth about how I felt. To not want to touch her and have her in my arms. It’s hard now, even with all that’s going on. When she’s mad her skin flushes, her eyes gaze in on me, her voice deepens and, to be completely honest, it’s absolutely sexy.
How can I not remember anything about being with her? It could have been him but I want it to have been me, not him. Either way, he still had her after me, right after me apparently. I feel like an idiot but I can’t help but wonder if she liked being with him more than me. He’s been with her more and longer and he has more experience. This is stupid! I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this but I can’t stop, but I have to.