*
I try to gather my thoughts as I make my way downstairs. They’re everywhere, on everything. I feel powerless, more than I ever have before. I walk out of the hotel and see him sitting in the Audi. I take a deep breath before getting in. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old life. He's still angry but he’s still here with me and that means all hope isn’t completely lost. I’m not as powerless as I thought. We’re both at odds, but we still love each other. I used to think of it is as only my weakness but now I know it’s his weakness too and I fully intend to use it to try to fix this mess—if we can be fixed.
“So what’s the plan?” I try to keep bitter sarcasm out my voice but I’m sure it’s not working. “We just go back to being how we were before? Let’s remember, things weren’t exactly peachy.”
He doesn’t even glance my way.
“And I’m supposed to pretend that the past two years haven’t happened? That I don’t know the truth?”
“Can you just enjoy the fucking ride?” he says as if he is annoyed with me. I exhale and take a breath. I don’t know how many breaths I can take to keep from exploding on his nonchalant, arrogant ass. Thank God I have been able to practice exercising my patience with Chris these past few weeks. Talking to him is useless at this point so I won’t say anything to him until I have the right words to say. I turn my attention towards the window, looking out over the city that I drove into with a completely different man. My thoughts are broken when I hear him chuckle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him that with an amused grin on his face.
“What happened to you?” he asks, amused.
“I grew up. You should try it sometime.”
He grins. “I think there is more to it than that.”
“Don’t play psychiatrist with me if you don’t want me to play it with you.”
He laughs at that, but he doesn’t retort. That is a first. His silence is unexpected and a little unnerving.
“Did you miss me?”
His words are unexpected and he sounds sincere. My eyes trail over to him and for a moment I want to call a truce but we both have our walls up for our own reasons. “Of course I did.”
“Did you miss me when you were with him?”
I wonder if it’s always going to be like this—a contest between the two of them. I want to comment on it but I decide against it and I tell him the truth. “Especially when I was with him.”
He looks over at me, a hint of disbelief lingering on his expression. Did my sleeping with Chris cause him to think that we have nothing, that my feelings for him are gone? There are so many questions I want to ask him but I know he won’t answer most of them, so I ask him the simplest of them while I’m in a talking mood.
“Did you miss me?”
There’s a long silence and, right when I think he’s not going to answer, he says, “Every day.” His tone is quiet and makes me smile but a sense of sadness washes over me. If he’s here, where is Chris now?
“It used to be us before anything. Now it seems like that’s changed,” he says solemnly.
“We have a daughter now. It can’t be like that anymore. Secrets almost destroyed us, Cal. We almost lost each other, and I did lose you. I don’t want that to happen again.”
I wish this conversation wasn’t happening while driving. Are my words affecting him? Or are they going in one ear and out the other? He puts up a huge wall up around him, one that I could never get behind. Has he changed, is this the same man that left me on the floor in tears and alone all those years ago? He’s quiet, which means he’s probably thinking. This is good. So I decide to push it a little more.
“I want you to get better because I love you and for our daughter.” I see his jaw flinch, and I know I took it too far too fast.
“Better, meaning Chris?” he asks through clenched teeth.
“Better, meaning all of you,” I say defensively.
“Why didn’t you have this conversation with him?”
“I was going to but he’s not here now. You are. But why does it even matter? This shouldn’t be you versus him. We’re in this together.”
“We are? Well, since we’re all in this together, tell me, why did he leave?” he spits out.
“You tell me! Better yet, tell me how does this all work? Does he decide? Do you decide? Is there a fucking schedule that I can get a copy of? Because this is insane. I thought when you came back, I would have answers. That the big puzzle of my life would be solved, but of course, it’s not. That would be easy and, with you, nothing is ever easy.”