a reason to live(61)

Curling my hands in his shirts I choked out, “And then what, Shane?” forcing the words past a lump in my throat. “If you get the peace you want so desperately, what will you do with it? Hide in your house while your life passes you by?”

“Anything,” he rumbled low, “would be fuckin’ better than lookin’ at you every day and remembering Emma Jane’s dead eyes.”

My head jerked back as if I’d been struck and I sucked in a breath. He let go and stepped back, his face contorted in a tortured mask. Maxine was wrong. So wrong. I wasn’t his soul mate destined to save him from a lifetime of loneliness.

I was his tormentor.

He would never forgive himself and see me as anything but Emma’s sister, as a constant reminder of his past failures. We weren’t destined to be anything.

Finally understanding how broken he truly was, was paralyzing.

Staring at Shane’s blank face, I realized I hadn’t felt this empty, this lost, since Emma Jane died.

A knot formed in my throat as reality crashed around me, so I bit my lips to keep from crying. If I hadn’t promised Gregor I’d work, I would have asked Joel for a ride back to town to save Shane the pain.

I looked around the shadowed forest for an answer I knew wouldn’t come. I needed to leave. Rain pummeled my hair, sliding down my face to cover my tears. With no options left, other than retreat, I moved around Shane and picked up a handful of limbs as he silently watched. Once my arms were full, I took a deep breath and turned back to him.

“When we get back on Sunday I’ll pack my bags and head out. It was never my intention to back you into a corner when I came here. I’m so sorry; I’ll leave you in peace.”

His jaw tightened in response, but I couldn’t wait for his reply. I was on the verge of uncontrollable tears and needed to be as far away from him as possible before I broke down. My tears flowed freely as I took my first step. Each step that took me further away from a man who’d filled my heart with hope. Hope that I too would have a reason to get up each day, a reason to live.





Nine


Safe to Dream





I made it five steps before Shane grabbed my arm and spun me around. I averted my eyes so he wouldn’t see my pain.

“You’re not leavin’.”

“I can’t stay. You’ve made that abundantly clear. I get it now. It’s fine.” I ran the back of my hands across my cheeks to rid my face of tears, but they wouldn’t stop flowing. I prayed the rain would disguise them for what they were; tears from a broken heart. Broken for Shane and for Emma. Broken for the love I wanted so desperately but couldn’t seem to grab hold of.

“Look at me,” he demanded.

“I’d rather not,” I sniffed.

“Baby, eyes on me,” he commanded again, but in a softer tone.

I caved just as Maxine had said I would. My DNA, it seemed, was synced to obey him. I couldn’t refuse him even if I wanted, and it pissed me off. However, pissed off or not, I raised my eyes as he asked. Instead of finding a blank, lifeless expression as I expected, I found one filled with concern.

“There she is,” Shane whispered, raising a hand to wipe away my tears. “Now, get this through your stubborn head. When I say you’re not leavin’ Trails End, it means you’re not leavin’.”

The change in his demeanor from one minute to the next could give a girl whiplash of the heart, so I pushed his hand away and stepped back. It was best for both of us if I kept my distance.

“You want peace, Shane, and you won’t have it ‘til I’m gone. So I’m leaving as soon as I can.”

“Your safety takes precedence over everything. You’re not leavin’ as long as you have a stalker out there. Chester is convinced he’ll trip up with one of his other victims. So until then, you’re not leavin’.”

I shook my head no. “I’ve disrupted your life long enough. I’m leaving.”

“You think I’ll have peace worryin’ about you out there all alone?”

I looked over his shoulder to keep from lashing out—I didn’t know what he felt from one minute to the next because he was all over the place these days—and caught movement out of the corner of my eye.

“Are you listenin’ to me?” Shane asked when I didn’t respond.

I wasn’t paying attention because a man was standing in the distance watching us. I wouldn’t have cared if he hadn’t been in the dark forest, in the middle of a rainstorm, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses.

Was he the same man from the carnival?

“There’s a man watching us,” I told him.