a reason to live(47)

Shane’s arm was wrapped around my waist, his leg lying between mine, holding me close. He’d protected me all night from the demons that hid in dark corners. I wanted to lie there for the rest of my life, drinking his strength, but I had to fight for him so he could sleep without nightmares, too. And the only way to accomplish that was to shore up my strength and hand it over to him like Maxine said. He didn’t need a teary-eyed woman leaving his bed. He needed to see I could survive without him. Which I could. But I’d rather build something with Shane than walk away.

To make my dream a reality, I had to concentrate on making Shane whole again. Nothing more, nothing less. My path to him was through a darkness that wrapped around him like a spider’s web, entrapping him in the silk.

Lifting my head from the pillow, I turned and gazed down at him. He was peaceful, the lines on his face relaxed, and he looked ten years younger. I reached out and ran my hand down his cheek before I slid out of bed and grabbed my clothes.

Once dressed, I leaned down, touched my lips to his forehead, and whispered, “I’ll remember last night for the rest of my life.”

I started to move away, but his hand came up and wrapped around my neck, pulling me back to his mouth. He kissed me tenderly, causing my eyes to water.

It was a good-bye kiss.

When he let go of my neck, I looked up. His eyes were closed, his brows pinched together in a look of regret, and his breathing was deep and angry. He was beating himself up on my account.

“I’m okay,” I whispered, running my hand down the side of his face.

“I have to let you go,” he whispered back. “I’ll hurt you.”

“I understand, Shane. I’m a big girl. I know I can’t make you love me.”

His eyes popped open and the sorrow I saw written across his face reinforced my desire to help him heal. He wanted love so badly it filled the room with its force.

I knew I’d start crying if I didn’t leave soon. Shoring up my backbone, I brushed my lips across his one last time and then headed out of his room, through the living room, and out the front door without breathing. I made it to my Jeep and halfway out of his drive before the tears came down hard.

“Please, God,” I prayed. “Please help me heal Shane.”

I knew God well enough to know that all prayers are heard. Unfortunately, they aren’t always answered in the way we desire, but in the way that is best for all involved.

“May your will be done,” I mumbled, respecting the fact He knew better. I could only pray that His will included Shane forgiving himself.

When I strolled into Maxine’s kitchen in search of coffee so I could sort out my head, she was there waiting. She sipped her coffee while she watched me slam around her kitchen, shrewdly accessing my demeanor.

“I can tell by the fact that you’re just gettin’ home and your sweater’s inside out, you made headway. But your face tells me not enough.”

I looked down at my sweater and sighed.

“Understatement,” I mumbled as I poured cream into my cup.

“Well, you might as well sit down and tell Maxine all about it.”

A part of me wanted to sulk in my room, but instead, I plopped down in one of her chairs and took a sip before I began.

“Since you’re a lady who sells sex toys for a living, I’m not gonna pretend that he and I didn’t have sex last night.”

“Hold that thought,” Maxine said, picking up her phone. I watched in confusion as she dialed a number and then waited for someone to pick up. “You awake? Okay, good. She’s home now, I’m putting you on speaker phone.”

“Who did you call?” I whispered.

“Mia, who else?”

The sound of kissing filled the kitchen and I raised my brow. Maxine snorted. This went on longer than was needed for a good-bye kiss, and I lowered my head.

“My boy knows how to keep his woman happy,” Maxine snickered when we heard Max grunt farewell.

“Okay, Max just left,” she said out of breath. “I have to be quick because he and his crew are cutting trees near the border of the reserve today, which means my bears are gonna be on edge. I need to get up there and keep an eye on things.”

“You takin’ Jake?” Maxine asked.

“No. Max ordered me to stay home, so Jake is cutting trees.”

“Courtin’ trouble,” Maxine sighed. “Why do you insist on puttin’ yourself in situations that make my boy’s head explode?”

“I’m not as clumsy as I used to be, Maxine. Besides, I plan to stay in my Jeep and observe how the logging affects them, not interact with them. How dangerous can that be?”

“Where there’s a will, there is a way with you.”