Zoe Thanatos(2)

“I’m heading up to Santa Barbara to go whale watching tomorrow. I’m sort of creating my own road trip, going up the coast beach by beach.” There was an inherent excitement in everything he talked about, his whole face moving as he spoke. His eyes widened and eyebrows arched as he talked about the boardwalk in Santa Monica, his mouth curling into a smile as he recalled driving up Pacific Coast Highway. His recollections were so clear it was as though he was reliving each experience. Zoe listened with interest as he laid out his plan to go up the coast from Santa Barbara to San Luis Obispo. By the time he reached San Francisco, Zoe realized it was not her interest that kept her listening, but her envy. Having lived her entire life at or around the beach made her familiar and jaded with its inherent charms. He had something to look forward to and she couldn’t recall the last time she felt the same way.

“At some point I’d love to go all the way up to Oregon and Washington and take in the entire coast.” It wasn’t until he finished speaking that she realized she had been staring at him, her thoughts eclipsed by his enthusiasm and warmth, her eyes unable to look away from the dimples that puckered his cheeks when he smiled. For a fraction of a moment she was unburdened by her own life and caught up in his, imagining tents perched on the beach at Refugio, the great monolith embedded in the shore off Morro Bay, and the salt water taffy she’d risk a cavity for from a small shop along the boardwalk.

The moment passed and she was transported back to her own reality, the confining plastic chair beneath her a fitting allegory for her own discontent. She tried to think of something to say to excuse her staring, but found she had nothing to say.

“All right folks! If you want to take a look out to the left you’ll see a pod of dolphins out in the distance,” the captain announced over the loudspeaker. Zoe blinked and took a deep breath, her thoughts detaching from the handsome stranger and his plans. She followed the group of heads turning out to the open sea where a school of dolphins, fifteen to twenty in total, were taking turns leaping out of the water. In two enthusiastic steps Evan was standing with his hands on the railing leaning over it boat to get better view. He was as excited as any kid. Around her other boat patrons watched gleefully, expressions of awe in their faces. She was the only one seated . Maybe to someone who had never been to the beach a dolphin was somewhat of a novelty, but for her they were just another bit of charm she failed to be dazzled by.

“Come on, Anne! You’ve got to see this!” Evan exclaimed, looking at her as though something truly wonderful were happening. As Zoe approached the railing Evan stepped aside to make room for her; it was a sight to see. Even the dolphins looked happy and carefree, which only served to pointedly drive home the fact that she was anything but. Not for lack of trying.

The truth of the matter was that the trip wasn’t Zoe’s first attempt to rectify her problem with happiness. She’d tried cute animals at the Santa Barbara Zoo, roller coasters at Six Flags, wine tasting in Solvang, traveling up and down the same one hundred miles of California to find something that would bring her even a modicum of happiness. Nothing ever did.

“We don’t have anything like this back home,” Evan mused to himself. He turned to face Zoe and the dimples deepened as his cheeks filled with delight.

“It’s great,” she tried. When he turned his face away to look again at the dolphin spectacle she thought she’d managed to convince him.

Minutes later the captain pointed to the dozens of seals lying like fat babies on red buoys, others just floating around in the water without a care in the world. Zoe took the few steps back to her seat, clasped her hands together in her lap, and watched her boat companions as they laughed and talked. She spotted Evan conversing with other boat riders and decided that was the end of that.

The boat docked at the port and Zoe casually looked around for Evan, but he was nowhere to be seen. Just as well, she thought. After climbing from the boat to the dock and a brief orientation from the guide, Zoe set up to make the trek up to Potato Harbor.

People broke off into groups and went their separate ways, some staying on the beach for kayaking, others heading for various hiking trails. The morning fog had burned off and the sky started to warm. She applied sun block and took a quick sip from a water bottle before, hoisting her backpack over her shoulder and heading towards the trail.

Alone with her thoughts she made her way along the path in no particular rush. The path was covered in brown grass and green trees, and set against an unimpeded crystal blue sky. She couldn’t imagine a more beautiful place in the world. Having grown up the coast in Santa Barbara, Zoe was used to the particular colors of the sky in all various stages of transition. She would often find herself, stuck somewhere along Highway 101 and notice the sky take on a bewildering shade of golden violet. The sky would glow with the last remnants of sunlight, twilight permeating through the last remaining strands of gold. When it rained the sky was slate with green trees and grass breaking up the monochrome. She didn’t need to travel anywhere else to know she already lived in the most beautiful place on Earth.