Zoe Thanatos(14)

She had zoned out for a moment, lost in her thoughts as her fingers moved lightly along the precious gold filigree.

“I thought you should have something special for your birthday. Something to remind you of Paris,” he finished.

From out of nowhere a ball formed in her throat and she had to swallow it down to keep from erupting in a fit of emotion. It was a while before she felt composed enough to speak. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“I hope not,” he replied, his tone doubtful.

“No, you’re right. Taking me around the world, the memories of which are a whirlwind in my mind right now... that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Finally her eyes lifted up from the delicate script of the box and met his.

Something in the way he looked at her made her feel vulnerable. He had witnessed her attempt to take her life, held her in his arms, and taken her to places she’d only ever seen on a map or in a book. Yet she knew nothing about him other than that he was different.

“So you rescue strangers, take them around the world and then go to France to buy them expensive pastries for their birthday. Who exactly are you, Evan?” she asked.

“Believe me; I’ve never done anything like that before.” He shook his head, as though trying to do away with an unpleasant thought.

“Okay, I get that, but why me? Yeah, you saw that I was sad and going through something, but that doesn’t explain why you did what you did. So far all you’ve told me is that you couldn’t let me do it. I guess I just don’t understand why.”

He shifted around in his seat, balancing one leg at an angle on the cushion so that he was facing her more directly. “I don’t really have an explanation, Zoe. I noticed you. That’s the only way I can think to articulate it.”

The words pricked at her heart. He noticed her. No one had ever said anything like that to her. In the past she had boyfriends and dates, acquaintances and relationships, none of which were exceptional. She never thought of herself as someone who deserved noticing.

“Look, Evan... There is a part of me that feels I should thank you for jumping off the cliff after me. I mean, clearly that’s the craziest thing anyone has ever done for me, or possibly for anyone else. But it wasn’t some fluke that I jumped in the first place, and I’m not even sure that, if given the opportunity to do it again, I wouldn’t take it or any other opportunity to do what you prevented me from doing. That being said, I absolutely appreciate everything you’ve done for me since.” She inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly. She searched his face for any indication that he understood her. She had never been very good at expressing herself but hated the idea of being disingenuous. If he never noticed her she would have jumped off that cliff and likely died, never having the opportunity to see a little of the world in a way only he could show her.

“So you might try to kill yourself again?” he asked quietly. His eyes narrowed and the singular source of light in the room cast a shadow on his face that made his expression look far graver.

The word ‘kill’ was cold and dark. She didn’t even like to think of her actions as an attempt at killing herself, even though it was exactly what she had been doing.

“I don’t know. It’s not like you can follow me around waiting to catch me.” She thought she saw him scowl at her words. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Why did you even attempt it in the first place?” he asked.

Zoe sat for a moment considering her answer. Distractedly she opened the box of macarons and grabbed one of the colorful pastries and nibbled on it. Strawberry. Delicious.

“I haven’t been happy in a very long time,” she said finally. A year ago, literally to the day, I woke up and felt so empty. I tried to find something to make me feel happy again, but nothing ever did. The year dragged by so slowly, and every single day I woke up with that same emptiness. I couldn’t take it anymore. What is a life worth living if there’s no happiness in it?” It was easier to articulate the words than she thought it would be. She’d never spoken them out loud before, and the sound of her thoughts in her own ears put a weight in her chest, like gravity pulling her to the ground.

“So that’s why you went to the island.”

“Yes, and you intervened. A part of me wonders if you were meant to and I wasn’t supposed to die, or if your interference wasn’t supposed to happen and my life is altered as a result. How can I know what was meant to happen?”

Evan let out a slow breath and cleared his throat. He adjusted in his seat again so that he was facing her more directly. Zoe noticed he was absentmindedly running a finger over the glass device in his hand.