“If you’re not sure deep in your gut, we need to just pack them up and take them with us,” I told him.
He turned to look at me gratefully and nodded.
And so I packed up all of Gina’s clothes to take with us. That was hard, I will admit. Packing up your lover’s dead lover’s clothes. Not that I begrudged Zack that. I don’t have a single ounce of jealousy over his feelings for Gina. There is no time frame by which you stop mourning a lost love, in my humble opinion.
I start with Ben’s dresser, pulling out all of his clothes and laying them on the bed. I make sure they’re all folded neatly and organized before I put them in a box. This will make it easier on me when I go to unpack it.
The doorbell rings and I hear Zack yell up to me, “I’ll get it.”
I snicker. Zack has obviously not been much help with the packing. Granted, he played two hockey games this week. Thus I have to give him a pass. But today he’s just walking around looking utterly lost, so I put him on the task of packing up the electronics in the basement.
I start to pack all of Ben’s clothing, and then I’m digging through his toy chest, trying to figure out the most economical way to pack all of it up.
“Someone sent you flowers,” I hear from the doorway, and raise my head to see Zack standing there with a bouquet.
Happiness bubbles within me when I see the bright yellow bowl filled with white and yellow daisies, my favorite. I jump up from the floor and walk over to take the flowers from Zack. I don’t need to read the card to know who they’re from. I’ve been expecting them today.
I give a quick sniff of the flowers, loving the peppery smell of the daisies. Then I set the bowl on Ben’s dresser so I can pull the card off and open it.
My eyes scan quickly, Happy birthday, Pumpkin. Love Daddy.
“So sweet,” I murmur as I put the card back in the envelope.
“Are you going to tell me who the flowers are from?” Zack says, his voice sounding oddly cold and detached.
I look over at him and see that he’s…angry? I start laughing, because I can’t help it. The man who doesn’t want to succumb to feelings is freaking jealous I got flowers?
I give him a sympathetic look. “They’re from my daddy.”
Immediate relief fills his eyes and he smiles sheepishly at me. “What’s the occasion?”
“My birthday,” I tell him as I turn around and head back toward the toy chest.
“Your birthday?” Zack says in a stunned voice.
“Yup.”
“It’s your birthday today?” Zack asks again.
“Asking twice won’t get me to change my answer,” I tell him with a chuckle.
I busy myself pulling the toys out of the chest to place in a packing box. Zack is silent for a moment and then he walks farther into the room.
“How come you didn’t tell me?” he asks softly, almost with a hurt voice.
I lift my gaze to his and blink at him in surprise. Why would I tell him? He’s made it clear that there’s nothing between us but sex. A birthday celebration or acknowledgment would be crossing that boundary that Zack set, and I didn’t want him to be put in an uncomfortable situation. I also didn’t want to be hurt when it was ignored.
And the only way I can get hurt is if I have feelings for Zack, which clearly I do. I may be respecting Zack’s boundaries, but it doesn’t mean I don’t yearn for something more. A deeper connection. Maybe some care and true affection. Every day that passes by, I feel my feelings growing, which also means my capacity for hurt and pain is growing as well. I’m afraid of what may be coming down the road and I wonder to myself often if I should end this. But then I take one look at Zack and I know I can’t.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I didn’t think it was important.”
Several things flash through his eyes…all in succession. I recognize each of them. Shame, annoyance, regret, then acceptance.
“I see,” he says thoughtfully.
Then he turns around and walks out the door.
Shrugging, I get back to work packing up the rest of Ben’s toys.
—
It ends up taking me far longer to pack up Ben’s room than I had anticipated, because I had forgotten that his closet was packed with a bazillion pounds of clothes and more toys. His clothing was outdated, and by that I mean he had outgrown the stuff in there. Apparently, Zack would throw stuff that didn’t fit Ben in the closet and just buy new stuff. I had to go through each piece, make sure he couldn’t wear it anymore, then pack up boxes to Goodwill as well. As soon as I can take a shower to wash off the grime and sweat of the work I did today, I will borrow Zack’s car and run the donated clothes over to the drop-off center.