Zack(65)

“I don’t want there to be any confusion over the boundaries,” I tell her candidly.

“Like how?” she asks inquisitively, still not getting what I mean.

“Say Alex and Sutton come over to my house for dinner. You may be friends with Sutton, but that doesn’t mean you hang out with us. You’re Ben’s nanny. That’s your place. I don’t want you to be confused because we’re having sex. I don’t want you to think that implies membership into the family unit I have with my teammates and their women.”

She nods at me, and ever so softly says, “I’m clear now. Thank you for the explanation.”

And fuck…a wave of acidic shame hits me, because I know that hurt her feelings. I stare down at her, wanting to weirdly crawl back into bed, pull her into my arms, and apologize for my cruel words. I want to kiss away that look of loneliness right now, and I want to tell her I didn’t mean any of it.

But I don’t.

Because even though it pains me to have pained her, I did mean it.

I meant every word of it.





Chapter 20


Kate


I think most women would throw their hands up, cut bait, and run at this point. It’s what I should do, for sure.

Zack hurt my feelings in New York. No doubt. And not because of the truth of his words…that he was afraid I would be tempted to cross boundaries if I pursued a friendship with Sutton and Olivia. That was honesty, and it wasn’t a surprise to me. Zack has always been clear that what we have is just sex.

I guess I was hurt because he didn’t respect me enough to recognize that boundary myself, as well as honor my original promise to him that if I started having a problem with what was going on between us, I would come out and say it.

But things didn’t start going downhill because Zack hurt my feelings. On the contrary, I have an amazing capacity to take the shit that Zack hands my way, and it’s not just because he’s an amazing lover. No, it’s because I still have a world of empathy for this man and everything that he’s gone through.

Everything he’s still going through, because every day is a struggle for him to pull himself away from the ghosts of his past.

This I know takes time.

However, I have seen major changes in Zack over the past several weeks.

Positive changes.

Changes that give me hope to continue on…hoping either that I will eventually settle for what he can give me or that he will accept what I can give him.

Either way, his words to me in New York were not enough to send me running.

But they apparently sent him running, because we’ve been back in Raleigh for two nights and he hasn’t approached me outside of our normal employment relationship. He’s pulled back and I know exactly why.

It’s because when I was lying on my side in that hotel room, and Zack was looking down at me as he told me exactly why he didn’t want me to be friends with Sutton and Olivia, I saw very subtle changes come over his face.

Even in the room lit up only by the streets of New York, I saw hard resolution as he told me all about boundaries, which caused pain to lance through me. Then I saw his face transform, and I knew, in that moment, he felt like shit that he had hurt me. I saw aching remorse on his face. I sensed hesitation within him, and I think he was on the verge of trying to make it up to me.

But then he hardened up again, and walked out of the room.

Fine.

So be it.

Like I said…plenty of empathy within me and I’m a patient woman. I can wait for Zack to work through these things.

Except apparently he doesn’t want to work through it, and the fact that he hurt me has him running scared. Has him pulling away.

Stupid man.

Sweet man.

I’m not sure if I want to hit him or hug him.

I hear the garage door rumble upward, which means Zack is home from the game.

They played the Pittsburgh Titans tonight at home and Ben and I watched it on TV. Well, Ben made it through the first period before he conked out. I lugged him upstairs and put him to bed, then watched the remainder of the game in the living room. The Cold Fury won resoundingly over the Titans and clinched the number one spot in the Eastern Conference.

I went to bed after the game, hoping to fall asleep so I could fast-forward to the next day. I had no expectations that Zack would come to my room, but on the off chance he did, I was sure he’d wake me up nicely.

Except I couldn’t go to sleep. I tossed and turned and fretted over Zack. I want him. I want him as a lover, but I want more from him too. I can’t deny that, but I can suppress it. I would suppress it because Zack doesn’t want that and has been very clear. It’s caused some stress and conflict within me, yet I’m not willing to walk away yet.