Zack(52)

Kate’s hand plays in my hair now, using her fingers to gently twirl the ends. Her smile is satisfied and her eyes are gentle.

“You okay?” I ask her.

“Mmmm. Hmmm,” she hums in her throat.

“Kate?”

Her eyes clear a little and her hand goes still in my hair. “Yes?”

“This can’t go anywhere.”

Her brows draw inward and she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth to nibble at it thoughtfully. “You mean…this was a onetime-only thing?”

I shake my head…almost violently, so she knows that’s not what I mean. “I don’t want this to be just one time. But…it’s just sex for me. It’s not a relationship.”

Her eyes flick back and forth between my own, absorbing the harsh nature of my words even though I tried to gentle them as much as possible.

“Are you going to have sex with other women while you’re having sex with me?” she asks tentatively.

“No,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to. I’m not ready—”

I stop…recalculate my words. Give them to her again in a more candid fashion. “Kate…I wasn’t looking for a sexual relationship. I didn’t think I was ready, and this just sort of happened. I’m not looking to go out and nail every piece of…well, you know what I mean. It would be just you.”

She nods in acknowledgment. “Monogamous.”

“Yes, monogamous,” I affirm.

“Well, I hate to contradict your earlier statement, but I’m sorry…that’s a relationship,” she points out. And she doesn’t do this in a way that makes me feel like she’s latching on to me. She’s merely pointing out a technical truth.

“Fair enough,” I tell her. “Then let me clarify…my feelings won’t develop into anything more than desire for you. You can’t be expecting that from me.”

“Then I won’t,” she says simply.

My head tilts and I look at her skeptically. “Just that easy?”

“Your expectations are clear. I know the boundaries. It’s just sex,” she says.

“And that’s okay with you?” I ask her, desperate to make sure she truly understands this.

“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “I can’t predict how that will make me feel. But I’m willing to give it a try if you are. If I can’t handle it, then you’ll be the first to know.”

I stare at Kate…marveling over her maturity and insight. Is that because of her tough upbringing? The fact she’s a survivor all on her own? And her honesty…it’s frightening and refreshing all at once. I truly believe her…if she has a problem with how things are going, she’ll let me know. I expect she’d be very mature about the whole thing too.

“Okay, then,” I say before bending down to kiss her. “Let’s give it a go.”

I feel comforted by Kate’s words…by her acceptance of my limits. And yet deep down inside, I know it’s never going to be as easy as it sounds.





Chapter 16


Kate


“Ben,” I call up the stairs. “Grab your tennis shoes and get down here. Bus is leaving soon.”

I hear stomping above me as I imagine him running from his playroom to his bedroom to grab his shoes. He’s such a great kid.

Don’t get me wrong, he has his moments. In fact, his newest “moment” is what I call the “drop-and-kick tantrum.”

If he doesn’t get something he wants, he’s learned to dramatically throw himself onto the floor, where he pounds his fists into the carpet…or hardwood floor. Depending on where the tantrum occurs.

He does this for a few seconds and then stops…surreptitiously turns his head to look at me to see if I’m acknowledging the “moment,” and then waits to see how I react.

The first time he did this, it threw me off my game and I immediately tried to console him. He wouldn’t stop crying until I gave in to him.

Score: Ben 1, Kate 0.

The second time it happened, I ignored him. When he saw that I wasn’t reacting, he just screamed louder and beat at the floor, big fat tears leaking from his eyes. I held strong, though, and eventually he tired and fell asleep right there. Of course, I was worn out with frayed nerves and wanted a glass of wine to make everything better.

I called that one a tie.

Score: Ben 0, Kate 0.

When it happened again yesterday after Zack left for the airport, I tried something different. I lay down on the floor next to him and threw my own tantrum. I cried—fake tears, of course—and pounded my fists on the floor. Immediately, Ben stopped his own tantrum and looked at me curiously.