Zack(106)

“Thank you for framing my diploma,” Kate says, and is that my imagination…or did she just snake her hands up a little farther toward my neck? “It was a beautiful gift.”

Not as beautiful as you. Not the first gift I want to bestow upon you.

“I’m glad you like it.”

“Ryker hung it in my room. It’s not the most girly of décor items, but I do love looking at it.”

And I can’t fucking help myself. I lower my face and place a kiss on the top of her head. She sighs in response and I pull her in closer.

She’s still not yielding to me completely and I still haven’t told her what’s really important. Neither one of us is moving forward until I do.

“You and I have talked a lot about my guilt,” I start out.

“Yes,” she murmurs.

“I’ve told you some of it…but there was something I held back from you. I think I held it back because I didn’t truly want to admit it to myself.”

Kate’s right hand slides all the way up my neck and her fingers go into my hair to gently rub me in comfort. “You can tell me anything, Zack.”

“I know,” I say as I close my eyes briefly to relish her touch. When I open them back up, her gaze makes me feel safe and secure. “Do you know why Gina and I never married?”

She shakes her head in the negative.

“Because I didn’t want to. She did, but I didn’t.”

I wait a moment for that to sink in…maybe for some sort of chastisement to reflect back at me, but Kate just merely tilts her head to the side in curiosity, waiting for me to continue.

Taking a deep breath, I say, “All those years…I never asked Gina to marry me because there was something missing. I don’t think she thought anything was missing, but I did. I couldn’t name it. Couldn’t point it out. Couldn’t articulate it. It was just something in my gut that told me that I wasn’t supposed to marry her. That she wasn’t the one.”

I halt…take another deep breath, because, fuck, that hurt to say it.

I’m so sorry, Gina.

Kate’s other hand comes up to lace her fingers behind my neck and she steps in a little closer to me. It’s her way of telling me that she’s listening and I should continue with confidence and security.

“Something was missing and I had no clue what it was. I thought about it so much after Gina died. I thought now that she was gone, maybe it would become apparent what it was. But I got nothing. I obsessed about it. I felt so damned guilty and stupid that I didn’t even know what it was. And then I felt even more guilty, after she died, that I couldn’t give her something that would have made her happy. I mean, Kate…I loved Gina. Really loved her, but not enough to marry her.”

Kate lets out a faltering breath as she processes what I’m saying. “You can’t feel guilty about following your own gut, Zack. You had to do what was right for you.”

I give her a small smile. “I know. I’m coming to grips with that and I’m starting to let that go.”

“That’s good,” she praises me.

“But I figured it out,” I tell her softly as I realize that the last few notes of the song are coming to an end. The band immediately breaks into a rousing Green Day song, and thankfully we’re far enough away from the speakers that my voice isn’t drowned out. Our bodies stay locked together, but we no longer sway to the music. “I finally figured out what was missing.”

“You did?” she asks with surprise.

I nod at her, my eyes roaming over her face briefly before I release my hold on her waist and bring my own hands up to grasp on to the sides of her head. I don’t want her for a moment to look away from me.

“I figured out what was missing…was you.”

Kate blinks several times, her eyes confused and uncertain at first. But then I see the moment when she truly understands what I’ve said, because a thin sheen of tears starts to sparkle and she whispers, “Oh.”

“You were what was missing from my life, and I didn’t even recognize it when I had it right in front of me. I started to figure it out after you left, but then it really became clear when I saw you the other night at Ryker’s…with Ben. It was then that I knew. You were what has been missing all my life.”

The first tear slides out of her eyes, so I drag a thumb over her cheek to catch it. If she’s going to cry, I need to hurry up and get it all out.

“Kate…you touch me in a way that no other human being ever has. I’m not sure if it’s your spirit and determination or your kindness. The way you care for Ben. Hell, maybe it’s your dorky ways, because all I know is that you make me laugh. You make my world bright again. You make it brighter than it ever has been before. You were what was missing from my life and I’m not going to let that get away.”