One of the group home supervisors once explained that orphans sometimes grow into adults with attachment issues because the lack of parental love in the formative years leaves a huge hole. I certainly fit that pattern. As a rule, I'm careful with the people I let in, but those I do let in? Oh boy, they'd better brace themselves for excessive displays of affection. There might be a lot of pampering involved, even surprise cuddling sessions if I decide to go crazy, which I often do. Some aren't that keen on being showered with affection. Past boyfriends, in particular, haven't been. The words "clingy" and "suffocating" popped up during a break-up fight or five, which make my hope of a husband and kids as likely to happen as world peace, but that's an issue for another time.
///
Back to my current issue. I'm still wrapped in Blake's arms, and his gaze is still zeroed in on my lips. Right... time to face the music and either confirm or eliminate my suspicion. Slowly and deliberately, I lick my lower lip again. Blake's reaction is almost primal. Another sharp and hot exhale lands on my mouth while his fingertips press into my skin. Sweet baby Jesus on a unicorn. What am I supposed to do with this? As I extract myself from his arms, I can barely wrap my mind around this shift between us. I knew from the start that moving next to Blake is a risky business. Even when I thought the attraction was one-sided, I was dabbling in dangerous territory.
But if it's not one-sided? This just turned into a minefield.
"You sure you're okay?" he asks as I step back.
"Yeah, it was just a scare. Won't go close to that railing again anytime soon." I back away from it, heading back inside, with Blake hot on my heels. "Let's talk rent. Where I live now I pay-"
"You're not going to pay anything here."
I cross my arms over my chest, turning to face him. "Yes, I am."
"This place is empty, and if you don't move in, it'll continue to be empty."
"We already talked about this at the wedding."
"About that... I was just shutting you down, telling you what you wanted to hear so you could relax and enjoy."
I open my mouth, then close it, unsure what to say. "I feel like I should be mad at you for being sneaky."
"Feel free to be mad."
"I can't," I admit. "I happen to abide by the rule that sneakiness is allowed for a good cause."
"That's my girl."
"Look, I know you don't need the money."
"I really don't, and I'm not saying it to be a prick."
Right, how do you negotiate with someone who doesn't need anything? Blake doesn't just own this bar but also co-owns three restaurants with Alice. I saw the profit they make about two years ago. Nate helped them get featured on the Delicious Dining show, and I worked on the pitch for the network with him. They make a truckload of money and then some. The entire family is well-off. More than half the siblings work at Bennett Enterprises, one of the most successful players in the high-end jewelry market.
"Doesn't mean I get to stay here free. It's not right."
"It is if I say so, and I'm saying so."
He steps closer, towering over me like he's determined to dominate the conversation. Dominate me. He should really stop because everything about this pose is alluring.
"Stop being so stubborn."
His face breaks into a Cheshire cat grin. "Why, am I wearing you down?"
"No." I pull myself up straighter. Unfortunately, this doesn't do much, seeing how Blake is more than a head taller than I am, even if I'm wearing heels. "But I'm running out of good arguments. Just so you know, I will circle back to this topic again."
"Excellent. Warning you though, I can hold my stubborn."
"So can I."
"So, what do you say? Willing to take this very bad deal?"
"Oh stop, Blake. You know you're doing me a huge favor. I'll be out of your hair as soon as possible. I promise I won't impose while I'm here."
"You won't impose, Clara."
"Wait until you have a lady overnight and she realizes you're almost house-sharing with a woman. That won't go over too well."
He jerks his head back, clearly not having considered this. "Don't worry about that. You're a friend. Practically family. Anyone who has a problem with that isn't welcome in my home."
His words touch me deeply, make me feel important. I'm unbelievably lucky to have him and his family in my life. I try not to think too closely about his future overnight guests. He's not dating anyone, which is why he went alone to the wedding, but during our numerous girls-only outings, Pippa and Summer let slip that Blake enjoys... variety. As he should, considering he's twenty-nine and sinfully attractive.
"What about you?" he asks. "Do you date much?"
"I try, but I keep meeting men who want different things than I do. They're looking for fun or just hanging out in a friends-with-benefits sort of way."
"What are you looking for?"
"I want a family, so someone nice and dependable. Someone safe and not argumentative. Trustworthy. I know some people think safe is boring, but I don't think that at all. I think it's just … safe."
///
"Clara, relax. You don't have to defend your choices." His eyes search me for a brief moment before he adds, "I mean, starting a family right now is the last thing I'd want, but...I don't think I've ever heard someone speak so openly and honestly about what they want."
I've never voiced these thoughts, and now that I have, I suddenly feel very vulnerable, which I hope to mask with a joke.
"Well, I am one-and-a-half-years older than you. Wait until you hit the thirty mark-hormones go haywire, though it might have something to do with being a woman. Biological clock and all that. Anyway, don't worry about any sexy nocturnal activities on my side of the wall. I don't plan for any until I'm with someone who at least seems to want the same things. Speaking of...nocturnal activities, can you give me heads-up when you plan to bring someone home? Not to pry, but I have to know if I should have ear plugs on hand... that's a fake wall between our bedrooms and bathrooms. Can't be too soundproof."
Shit! If I were any more transparent in my prying efforts, you could see right through me. Placing the glass on the counter, he leans into me slightly. Not in an intrusive manner, but close enough to make me wish simultaneously that he'd step back and lean in closer. I'm officially losing my mind.
"We'll figure this out as we go. We'll improvise."
He steps away from me. Thank heavens for small mercies. I nod wordlessly. What is there to say? The man is right, and I'm great at improvising. Seeing how most of my life has been a big improv all in itself, I'm a pro at it. I don't know why I'm getting all up in arms about this.
"Okay. Just...as I said, I don't want to impose."
"That's a terrible word. I don't want to hear it again."
"I'll make a mental note. Anyway, no need to worry. I won't walk in on you romancing anyone on the balcony. I know how to be invisible when the situation requires it."
***
Blake
She almost shrinks into herself, and I instantly see red at the thought that others made her feel small or wish she'd be invisible. My first instinct is to ask who made her feel that way and make them pay, but I don't see how that would make this any better. So, I follow my second instinct-reassuring her that I won't ever make her feel small.
I close the distance to her, placing my hands on her shoulders, pressing one thumb at the base of her neck. Her pulse is erratic.
"I want you here, Clara. I wouldn't have offered this place otherwise."
"Okay."
I value my privacy, which is why I didn't rent out this apartment, not even to friends.
For the longest time, I had zero hesitation about letting people in my life. I'm a very sociable person; I like being surrounded by a crowd. The more, the merrier. Making friends has always come easy for me. It took me a long while to realize some people just hung around because I provided them with luxuries-free vacations, free everything. I was young when my family came into money, which had positives and negatives. I had everything I needed and wanted, but I also didn't learn the value of caution or mistrust. It took many mishaps for me to realize some people only stuck around for what I gave them, and when that wasn't enough, they showed their ugly side.
So now I'm more cautious, but Clara is one of the few people I feel comfortable around. I can be myself with her, just like with my family. She's fun, smart, and no one who openly admits that what she wants most is a family can have a mean or traitorous bone in their body.