You're the One That I Want(91)

‘It’s hard knowing I’ve hurt her so much.’

‘I bet it is.’

‘I was such a jerk.’

‘What really happened?’ I asked. It was the one thing none of us had understood – even Robert.

He groaned gently and buried his head in his hands.

‘It can’t have been that bad,’ I pushed.

‘Okay,’ he said slowly, fanning his fingers over his cheeks, stretching out the skin and pulling down on his jaw, as though to relieve some of the tension that had been building up. ‘I realized I was marrying her for the wrong reasons. It wasn’t fair on her.’

‘Wrong reasons?’

‘Yeah …’ he murmured.

‘What reasons were they?’

‘I think it’s best I don’t go there.’

‘Why?’

‘Let’s just say nothing good can come of it.’

I looked up to find him staring back at me, his cheeks bright red as a worried look fell on his face.

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah …’ he sighed. ‘That old chestnut.’

Silence fell upon us as the meaning of what wasn’t said took shape. It hadn’t been what I was expecting. I’d seen him and Alice together, the way he’d looked at her with complete admiration and wonderment – in my mind he’d clearly loved her far more than he had ever loved me. It had been blatantly obvious. Hadn’t it?

‘You know,’ he said, abruptly standing up straight and making his way to the kitchen door, clapping as he did so to emphasize the end of the conversation. ‘I’m shattered too, actually. I’d better go get some sleep. Got a busy day of planning ahead of me tomorrow.’

‘Ben?’

He stopped, swivelled on the spot and faced me.

A sadness lingered between us as we took each other in.

There was so much I could have said, but in that moment none of those unsaid words leapt from my mouth. Instead, I stood there staring at him, my mind scrambled with confusion.

‘Night, Maddy,’ he whispered. There was no hope in his voice, no longing. Just defeat.

‘Night, Ben.’

As I stood there, looking at the spot where Ben had been moments before, I was reminded of all the feelings I thought had long since disappeared. Rather than making me feel loved, they made me feel bereaved. I was standing in the kitchen of the home I shared with the man I loved, thinking of another man. I wasn’t too keen on the type of woman that made me.

I felt for Ben and hurt because he hurt, but I couldn’t allow what had passed to take hold of me. I loved Robert and the life we’d built together and I didn’t want anything to come along and ruin it. I couldn’t allow that to happen.





Ben





Twenty-four years old …




I sat on the sofa in the lounge with my head cradled in my hands, full of self-hatred. Unable to believe what I’d done, what I’d practically confessed. How stupid of me. How utterly vile of me to behave in that way when Robert had done so much for me. Even if that was the reason for my actions, there was absolutely no way I should have let it be known to Maddy. Ever. That hadn’t been my intention when I’d agreed to stay round there. It hadn’t even entered my head that it was a possibility. I was going away. I was purposefully freeing myself from the torment of the situation, so why on earth had I acted in that way?

The look she gave me, when she realized what I’d implied, I’ll never forget. It was pitiful. She pitied me in that moment. There’s no questioning that. Her jaw dropped and eyes widened at the crazy man standing in her kitchen who was clearly unable to move on from what had barely existed years before. She didn’t need to say anything, the look said it all – she’d been mortified at my revelation. Bewildered.

The following day I moved to Mum’s, telling Robert there was no point me sleeping on their sofa when I had a room of my own waiting for me back at Peaswood, along with a mum who I knew would be desperate to see as much as she could of me in the few weeks before I left.

I was gone before Maddy got home from work the next day, something I assumed she’d be pleased about.





Maddy





Twenty-four years old …




I hardly saw Ben again after that night. Not before he went off travelling, anyway. He went back to Peaswood and I faked a few social events when he and Robert met up. The only time I couldn’t get out of it was the mini going-away party that June threw for him in their house. It would have been rather unfriendly for me not to go to that. But, seeing as all of our families were crammed into his mum’s modest-sized lounge, there was no chance of us being alone together, which was a comforting thought.