Leaving our room, our home, I wandered into Victoria Park and walked round in circles for hours. Surprisingly, there weren’t many thoughts spiralling around in my head, it seemed it had made its mind up. Instead it numbed my doubt and affirmed the end of our relationship.
At lunchtime, when I knew Robert would be at his desk and not in lessons, I sat on a bench by the vast lake at the bottom of the park, pulled out my phone and called him.
I needed to hear the words said out loud, before I said them to Alice, and the only person in my life who would not judge me for saying them or for making the decision was Robert.
‘Are you sure?’ was the first thing he’d asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Blimey,’ he puffed. ‘Have you been arguing?’
‘No.’
‘Cheated?’
‘No.’
‘Has she?’
‘I hope not.’
‘Why, then?’ he asked, sounding confused.
‘It’s just not right.’
‘Mate, it’s not just pre-wedding jitters, is it? Because once you do this, there’s no going back,’ he warned.
‘I’m aware of that.’
‘I think you should give yourself some time before you do anything drastic. You might change your mind.’
‘I won’t.’
‘How do you know? A few months ago you wanted to marry her. Maybe sit on it for a bit,’ he suggested. It wasn’t like Robert to hand out rational advice, but by then my mind had been set far too long to adjust my plan and reconfigure my emotions.
‘I don’t need to.’
‘But you might wake up in the morning and regret it.’
‘I might, but I doubt it.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘There’s nothing to say. It’s shit.’
‘Yeah …’
Convinced that I couldn’t be talked out of it, or persuaded to wait, Robert sighed.
‘Stay at mine tonight.’
‘No, you don’t want me there, moping around.’
‘Where else are you going to go?’ he asked.
I hadn’t thought of that. There was no way I could expect Alice to let me stay in the flat and sleep beside her, and I wasn’t ready to go home and tell Mum. I didn’t want to break two women’s hearts in the one night.
‘Please,’ Robert pushed. ‘Maddy’s out with Pearl anyway – think of it as keeping me company.’
‘Okay.’
Knowing it was just going to be us was all the convincing I needed.
He was ready and waiting for me when I turned up on his doorstep at eleven o’clock that night, armed with two suitcases of my belongings – the upshot to living in a tiny rented bedroom was that I didn’t have much to take with me when I left. Robert took me inside, handed me a beer, and sat with his arm firmly around me while I looked straight ahead, wondering how I’d managed to make such a pig’s ear of everything.
I couldn’t help but be reminded of sitting next to him in my treehouse all those years before, when we were just nine years old. It struck me that, all these years later, he was still there to be my anchor. I didn’t even need to ask for the voiceless comfort – he was just there to console me in the way he knew I needed.
That’s when I decided he deserved better than a shitty friend like me, and it wasn’t just Alice I needed to get away from.
Maddy
Twenty-four years old …
Ben stayed on our sofa for a week following his split from Alice. He left it a few days before heading back to Peaswood to tell June there wasn’t going to be a wedding. Robert went along with him for moral support. Unsurprisingly she took it well, praised him for realizing something wasn’t right and bravely acting on that rather than just going along with it because he was too scared to hurt Alice’s feelings. He’d been anxious before seeing her, but once he had he seemed a little happier, as though he was ready to start moving forward.
Towards the end of his stay at ours, we were having dinner (I’d made us a Mexican feast) when Ben’s future was brought up for discussion.
‘So, any more thoughts, Ben? What’s next?’ asked Robert, before stuffing a taco into his mouth, taking care not to lose any of its filling. There was no tidy way of eating the dish – it was the only one he could eat like a slob and not have me moaning at him for it.
Ben sighed at the question, put down the taco he was eating and wiped his mouth with the side of his hand.
‘Now there’s a question,’ he smiled.
‘There’s no rush for you to leave here!’ I explained, not wanting him to think we were hinting that he’d overstayed his welcome. Robert and I had agreed that he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted, knowing he’d do the same for either of us if ever needed.