You're the One That I Want(86)

I raised my camera back to my face, ready to start shooting again. And that’s where it all got a bit awkward. Whereas before Ben had looked comfortable, he’d suddenly become rigid and stiff, clumsily not knowing where to put his hands or where to look. He was far from relaxed. Seeing as he kept stealing glances in Robert’s direction and cracking jokes it looked like it was just because he was embarrassed posing in the romantic way I was after.

After they’d burst out laughing for the fifth time I lowered my camera and just raised my eyebrows at them both, willing them to stop.

‘Guys!’

‘What?’ Robert asked innocently, trying his best to keep a straight face.

‘Five more minutes then we’re done. Can you save being idiots until then?’

‘Just forget we’re here,’ smirked Robert.

‘It’s a bit hard with that clicking going off,’ Ben moaned, pointing at the camera.

‘Nothing I can do about that I’m afraid. It’s the shutter,’ I shrugged, becoming impatient with the pair of them.

‘This is just weird …’ he grumbled uncharacteristically.

‘Hey,’ Alice cooed, grabbing hold of Ben’s coat and pulling him into her, dragging his attention away from what was bothering him. ‘Close your eyes.’

Without saying a word he sighed and did as she said. I was sure he was going to burst out laughing again, but as Alice raised her head and rubbed her nose gently against his chin, his face started to soften.

‘I love you,’ she whispered after a moment or two, smiling contentedly at him.

Ben opened his eyes slowly and looked at his beautiful wife-to-be, his eyes full of doe-eyed love as his face expanded in a smile.

His secret smile.

But that time, it was for her.

Not me.

That was it. As the sun reflected off the water’s peaks to make enchanting shapes of light dance majestically behind them, adding to the dazzling beauty of the moment, I took one single shot.

It was the perfect picture of the perfect couple, full of admiration, devotion and completeness. It was full of love – simple, pure and uncomplicated.





Ben





Twenty-four years old …




I’d never been very spontaneous when it came to love. I’d also never been able to show myself off as much of a romantic either. I’d always had too many feelings that I’d had to lock away, to hide, to avoid indulging in or risk exposing a one-sided love. What I loved about being with Alice was that I could feel something and declare it straight away. I didn’t have to think it through carefully or hold anything back – I’d feel it and I could say it. It was that easy. Unfortunately, as I realized too late, it led me to make big gestures, like proposing, before I’d had a chance to think it through properly.

It took me a few weeks to realize I’d made a terrible mistake by asking Alice to marry me. The more I thought about it, the more certain I became of its error.

There was no doubting that Alice was a wonderful woman. She came along and unknowingly saved my heart from utter torment – she gave me hope and made my world a little brighter each day she was in it. But I couldn’t marry her. The heart she’d helped to mend wouldn’t let me, no matter how much I tried to convince it otherwise.

It might have taken days for me to regret, but sadly, it took me six months to rectify. We had by that point already booked the church for the following summer, a little place in Essex near where she grew up, and Alice was on the verge of going out with her mum and best friend to find her wedding dress. It was at that point I decided I couldn’t have her trying on those gowns knowing that I was doubtful about the whole thing and that, irrevocably, we weren’t going to be getting married. There was no way I could ruin that special moment for her – I wanted her to be able to enjoy it one day in the future, when she did eventually marry someone who deserved her. Not someone who’d used her as some diversion tactic to get over his own hankering existence.

She was sitting on the sofa, looking through the bridal magazines that had littered our flat for the last six months, when I broke the news to her. I hovered in front of her for a few moments before the words found their way, from the loop they’d been circling in my head, out of my mouth.

‘I don’t want to get married,’ I said.

There was no way I could dress the issue up, or find an easier way to say it. I didn’t want to be one of those guys who find faults in their relationships by blaming her for things she hadn’t done as I pushed her away, or picking pointless fights in the hope that she would call the whole thing off. I knew Alice was perfect, and I’d meant it every time I told her I loved her, but that didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to marry her. I couldn’t marry her.