‘I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed, but I’m glad he told me – that he’s owning up to his mistake,’ she said, shaking her head before hesitantly continuing. ‘The thing is, Maddy, and I’m sorry to butt in like this …’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I saw the way you two were together last night. You and Robert.’
‘I was just drunk,’ I shrugged, with a lie. I hadn’t touched a drop all night, it was the only way I could be sure I wouldn’t say or do anything I’d end up regretting. It clearly hadn’t worked, but I could only imagine the fall-out if I’d had a drink or two to boot.
‘Were you?’ she asked, busying herself by pouring two sugars into her tea and giving it a good stir.
I stared into my mug and longed for the chat to be over. Getting pulled up for my bad behaviour by my own mum was bad enough, but having Robert’s mum do it too was agony.
‘I’m not saying you’re wrong to punish him, not at all. What I’m thinking, Maddy, is that you have to either forgive him and move on, and try and make things work, or you don’t.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ I muttered.
Of course, Carol had told me off with the boys when we were younger for our general naughtiness, but that was always as a collective, I’d never been singled out. I knew she was talking to me in her kitchen because of the appalling way I’d been treating her son. I couldn’t help but be sheepish. I didn’t blame her for getting involved, though. After all, I’m sure any mum would be protective over their son. I knew she just wanted to help talk some sense into the situation.
‘Oh, I know that. Believe me, every relationship goes through its testing times. It happens to the best of us.’
I looked up to see Carol raising her eyebrows at me, giving me a precarious smile.
It was a rather unsubtle hint that something scandalous had happened between her and Richard at some point in their marriage, although she failed to give any further information on when, which of them, or who with. She knew she’d made her point just by alluding to it – even couples who might appear to be perfectly close and happy go through their fair share of troubles. It also explained, if Richard were the guilty party, why she had such a strong reaction to others who’d done the same.
‘It’s how you pull through it all, darling, that lets you know whether what you have is worth saving or not. But you’ve got to be willing to try, otherwise there’s no point in putting either of you through further heartache.’
‘It’s just difficult.’
‘Relationships are hard work,’ she nodded, agreeing with me. ‘And, sadly, getting into trouble and jeopardizing what you have is far too easy in comparison. But I know my son, Maddy. He’s made his mistake. He won’t be making another one. You’ve got to learn to trust him again.’
‘I just don’t know how to begin to do that.’
‘Patience, love and understanding will take you a long way.’
I cried then. Again! Years of growing up with boys had meant crying was hardly ever an option, but in those couple of months it seemed I’d lost all control of my tear ducts. They wept freely.
As Carol walked around the counter and put her arms around me, I knew I had to release the anger that had been floating around inside of me. What was done was done. There was no going back and changing it. I had to move forward. Forgive Robert. Forgive myself.
The world had not decided to stop and grace me with some thinking time, it had, instead, pushed on and presented us with Alice. I knew that I had to move forward, I just needed to work out how. I needed to focus on what I did have, rather than what I didn’t – just like I’d promised Pearl I would do the week before.
Robert wasn’t Ben, but nor did I want him to be. He had a million of his own qualities that had made me happily fall in love with him all those years before. It became apparent in my mind that I needed to remind myself what they were, and be grateful for the amazing guy I had in my life.
Pearl was waiting for me on the sofa when I returned home that night, with a cup of tea and some much-needed chocolate Hobnobs. They made up a large part of her staple diet at university – I’ve no idea how she managed to maintain her size-ten figure with the number of packets she went through.
‘How was it?’ she asked, taking a biscuit out of the packet and dunking it in her tea. She pulled a grimace as she waited for my reply, rightly assuming that I wouldn’t have had the best time of my life.
‘Awful.’
‘Crap.’
‘I was a right bitch.’