‘I don’t know what’s got into you, young lady, but snap out of it,’ she hissed through her teeth, continuing to smile at the other guests who were looking in our direction. They were unaware that Mum was telling off her twenty-one-year-old daughter who was, I’ll confess, acting like a five-year-old … and a spoilt brat.
The rest of the night wasn’t much of an improvement – my mood stayed dark and stroppy, something that wasn’t helped by me watching Ben and Alice like a crazy, unhinged stalker. I tried my best to avoid any conversations with our family friends and relatives, preferring to sit in the dark festering in my self-pity.
I hated Robert for shagging some slutty stranger whilst blowing apart our version of perfect and for thinking so little of me as he did so.
I hated Ben for ripping open my heart and then leaving it to bleed while he gaily sauntered around with his new girlfriend.
But mostly, I hated myself for not having the answers to make everything better.
Needless to say, I wasn’t in the jovial mood required for parties.
Unfortunately for me and my new friend, the-big-black-cloud-of-doom, my room had been given away to family for the night, with Mum and Carol planning for me to stay with Robert. For once I wished our mums were stricter about us sharing a bed at home.
As soon as we got back to his box room I got into my nightie, curled up under the sheets and pretended to be fast sleep.
I’m not sure whether he knew I was faking or not, but after he’d got into bed and turned out the light, he faced me and let out a desperate sigh.
‘I love you so much, Maddy,’ he whispered.
I said nothing, but kept my eyes clamped shut.
‘All I wanted to do tonight was remind you of a happier time, before I screwed everything up … I guess I failed.’
His breathing became erratic then. I’m not sure whether he had a lump in his throat or whether he was actually crying, but I wished he’d stop. It wasn’t just him who’d failed us. I had too.
‘I made a mistake. A stupid, horrible, mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. I don’t want to lose you. I couldn’t bear that. You know, I’d do anything for you to forgive me, Mad. Just tell me how I can make that happen …’
It took a whole lot of stubbornness for me not to blub at his words. I was aware of how I was treating him and was annoyed at myself for being a complete cow as I tried to push him away – perhaps as a means to find atonement for my own mistakes. I still don’t understand why Robert allowed me to treat him in the way I did, or why he didn’t pull me up on my behaviour and tell me I was being unfair. He was probably scared of what might have happened if he did. I can’t blame him for that.
The morning after the party I made my way downstairs while Robert was still asleep, hoping to make a quick escape back to mine. Instead, I was stopped by Carol. She appeared from the kitchen as though she’d been waiting for me, looking like she’d been up for hours with her short blonde hair perfectly set and her make-up reapplied.
‘Want to come have a cuppa before you leave, Maddy?’
‘Well, I really should be making a move, I’ve got to drive back today …’
‘Come on, five minutes won’t hurt. It would be good to sit and have a chat with you. I never get to see much of you any more.’
Guilt-tripped into it, I agreed.
‘But I really can’t stay long,’ I warned.
Placed on the kitchen counter was a pot of tea, two mugs, a jug of milk and a bowl of sugar, and a basket of warm croissants and Danishes, confirming my earlier suspicion that she’d been waiting for me. Carol placed an apricot Danish (my favourite) on a plate and slid it in front of me before pouring us both some tea.
Feeling tentative, I pulled the pastry apart and nibbled on it slowly, anything to fill the silence that fell upon us. I could feel Carol looking at me, I knew she wanted to say something. I guessed she’d realized something was up with Robert and me and that she was trying to find out what. Carol was quite a nosy mum when she wanted to be – all our mums were. They always wanted to know exactly what was going on in our lives and to add their two pence worth to any situation, even if we hadn’t asked for their advice. My plan was to act dumb, pretend she’d picked up on nothing and to dismiss the whole thing.
‘Robert told me about what’s been going on lately,’ she sighed.
‘Oh.’
Well, that completely threw me. Robert was always a high-achiever, a child for his parents to be proud of. I was surprised he’d risked denting that wonderful reputation by confessing to his mum, a woman who had often been very vocal with her thoughts on married men who strayed. You should have heard her talk about Ben’s dad – he might as well have been the devil himself the way she went on.