‘How?’
‘Do you still love Robert?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him?’
‘I don’t know. I think I might,’ I shrugged.
Robert’s cheating was something I’d found difficult to think about. It wasn’t that Ben filled my head and pushed aside all thoughts of Robert’s wrongdoings, more that it upset me too much to think about what he’d done. He’d hurt me far more because he’d risked the years we’d been together and made me question our whole relationship. Yet, I still loved him – and that’s what left me irritated, annoyed and confused.
‘Are you willing to try and work things out?’
Without much gusto, I nodded in reply.
‘Maddy, a couple of weeks ago you two had your whole lives planned out together – take a leaf out of Ben’s book. Pretend nothing has changed.’
‘I don’t know if I can do that.’
Pearl raised her eyebrows at me.
‘Seriously? This is all over one night. Get a grip.’
I knew Pearl was going to offer blunt advice, she was always to the point in every situation with the inability to filter what she thought – and that was why I went to her over Flo or Jennifer. The whole situation had already become over-romanticized in my head, I needed someone to knock a bit of sense into me. She was right, I had to stop thinking of Ben in that way; if he was moving forward, I had to too.
I couldn’t explain what had made me focus so much on Ben at that point and not on saving my relationship with Robert. It was like my brain had been taken over by some alien being. I knew, like Pearl said, I needed to get my head out of the clouds and focus on what I did have. I needed to work on things with Robert and see if what we had was salvageable.
I had to forget about Ben … but if only doing were as easy as saying when it came to matters of the heart.
The double date had been arranged for the following weekend. Needless to say I had no part in the planning – I left Robert and Ben to do that, it was enough for me to just turn up on the night. It was happening, it was inevitable, I just had to get on with it.
Me being there was a classic case of ‘curiosity killed the cat’. After all, I could have made a last-minute excuse, but the truth was I needed to meet Alice. I wanted to know everything about her, what she looked like, what her voice sounded like, how she laughed, where she’d grown up, what her likes and dislikes were, what her taste in music was like … morbid curiosity meant I needed to know what Ben saw in her. Perhaps to understand, or perhaps just to see how I measured up in comparison.
The boys had decided to go bowling. Robert and I were the first to arrive, which meant we were there when Ben and Alice came through the door hand in hand and giggling their heads off. To say I felt nauseous would be an understatement.
I’d built up images of Alice in my head – I expected her to be tall, dark and model-like, but it was worse than that. She was extremely petite, around five foot two with a beautifully dainty frame. Her long blonde hair fell in waves around her shoulders and her hazel eyes had the most dazzling flecks of green in them. She was naturally beautiful. The kind of girl you knew would roll out of bed in the mornings and look amazing. She wore a floaty yellow dress which came down past her knees, its thin straps exposing her delicate shoulders and collarbone. Even in those first few seconds I knew there was something endearing about her, she radiated warmth.
‘Here he is!’ shouted Robert as he grabbed hold of Ben and gave him a manly hug and a bit of a wrestle, leaving me to smile in Alice’s direction awkwardly, dubious as to how to greet her.
‘Hi! I’m Alice!’ she giggled coming towards me for a hug. ‘You must be Maddy?’
‘Yep. Don’t worry, I won’t be doing that to you,’ I smiled.
‘Gosh, thank goodness,’ she laughed. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’
I wondered what Ben had been telling her, causing my mind to falter momentarily.
‘Sorry, got a bit carried away. I’m Robert,’ said Robert breathlessly, breaking away from Ben and giving Alice a kiss on the cheek.
Ben didn’t really look at me before walking in my direction and giving me a klutzy hug. It was brief and as soon as it was done he turned to the others with a smile.
‘Let’s do this!’ he laughed as he grabbed hold of Robert and they galloped over to the counter like overexcited kids.
‘Here goes,’ I said, following them, feeling deflated that things were still on edge with Ben and me. But what had I expected? It wasn’t as if we were seriously going to bounce back into being normal with each other after what we’d done, especially not with Robert around.