‘Oh really?’ I asked, as I reached for the glass of water from my bedside table, trying to stop my head feeling so groggy.
‘You okay?’
‘Yeah, I was asleep.’
‘It’s only nine o’clock!’
‘Really? Blimey.’
‘So, like I was saying – I found Ben,’ Robert continued. ‘Turns out he wasn’t busy with work like we thought, or joined a religious cult like I feared.’
‘Thank God for that,’ I laughed dryly.
‘He’s started seeing someone!’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, I know! What a dark horse. He goes missing for a couple of weeks and then comes back with a girlfriend. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you about it.’
I thought back to that morning, he had seemed happier and lighter – I’d commented on it, he’d said it was the sunshine, but it was actually because he had a girlfriend. Surely, I thought, after everything we’d been through, he’d have told me about something like that. Especially before mentioning it to Robert! I knew there was no way Ben wouldn’t have known the impact it would have on me. I wondered, momentarily, whether it was Ben’s way of getting back at me – showing me that he was fine, or highlighting the fact that he had options, lots more than I did. Even as I thought it, I doubted Ben would be so manipulative or calculating. It wasn’t in his nature.
‘We haven’t really seen each other,’ I lied. ‘We’ve been busy.’
‘Oh, right. I said to him about us going out when I’m next over at yours.’
‘Yeah …’ My mind was elsewhere, not paying much attention to what Robert was harping on about.
‘I’ll feel better once I see him,’ he said meaningfully, alluding to how concerned he’d been about not being able to get hold of him. I hadn’t spoken to Rob a lot in those two weeks, not wanting to rush into too much too soon, but every time we spoke he’d mentioned how worried he was about Ben. I knew he felt it wasn’t just me he’d let down – that he had to clear things up with him too. ‘Besides,’ he said with a gentle laugh, ‘I want to meet this girl he’s left us for!’
‘Already? He’s only just started seeing her. Plus, I’ve got so much stuff on …’ I said, trying to keep the panic from my voice. I did not want to go out with Ben and some girl he had just started dating. It was the worst idea I’d ever heard. I frantically tried to think of how to get out of it in a way that wouldn’t make Robert suspicious, but nothing sprang to mind.
‘Come on, we can double date like old times.’
‘Do you really think he likes her that much? Knowing Ben he’ll have changed his mind within a week.’ I added a rather feeble laugh to try and make light of the subject and to dismiss the idea entirely. It didn’t work.
‘I don’t think so. He seems really keen on Alice.’
‘Alice?’ I questioned, remembering her name from an email Ben had sent. Alice was Roger’s housemate, the girl he’d slept with the night after being with me.
I couldn’t quite get my head around that. From what Ben had said, he’d slept with her because he thought I was back with Robert, or because he was stupidly drunk. Whatever the reason, if Robert was right, the girl he’d vented those frustrations with had somehow become his girlfriend. I wondered how that had come about, what had urged Ben to turn a one-night stand into more.
It saddened me that he hadn’t had the guts to tell me himself, that he felt it was okay for me to hear the information second-hand from Robert instead – that he had such disregard for me and my feelings.
It took every ounce of self-control to stop myself from calling Ben as soon as I got off the phone to Robert – which I did so in a grumpy and flippant manner, in the fastest way possible. A part of me wanted Ben to know how much his indifference was hurting me, but then, what right did I have to be to hurt or angry at him? As far as he was concerned I’d made my choice, he was free to do as he wished. It dawned on me that all I really wanted was to know that he cared about me still, and that I wasn’t so easily replaced. I couldn’t help but feel I’d been pushed aside. I needed to know that I hadn’t acted so appallingly and been unfaithful for something meaningless. I didn’t want it to be a drunken fumble to be ashamed of. My needs were selfish, but it irritated me that he wasn’t willing to fulfil them.
I was also, for the first time in my life, experiencing jealousy. I was jealous of Alice even though I’d never met her. I was envious of whatever qualities she had that had led to Ben moving on so swiftly after declaring his love to me. I also resented the fact that she would be able to have Ben adore her in such a carefree manner, when I knew I couldn’t.