You're the One That I Want(67)

I knew I needed to push those thoughts from my mind, and divert that energy onto something else, before I ruined things beyond repair.

Alice was my only hope, so I decided to give her my all.





Maddy





Twenty-one years old …




I’d known and seen Ben almost every day for the past twelve years, but, following our passionate love affair, when I thought of him I was bombarded with visions of his face that night. The way he’d nervously smiled as he confessed his feelings at the pub, the way he longingly looked at my lips before kissing me, or the way his mouth grazed my body. Just thinking of the latter would cause a tug on my insides and a wave of excitement in my knickers – something I’d instantly feel ashamed of.

I was angry with him for sleeping with Alice, but what did I expect? Of course I could see everything from his point of view. The situation was so messy. In a way he’d given me a get-out clause, given me reason to turn my back on him and his words, but I had an internal need to know that he loved me and cared. I didn’t want to feel that what we’d shared wasn’t real. I needed to know it was more than a lusty night. I wasn’t the sort of girl to drop my knickers for anyone who came knocking, after all. For the first time in my life I’d done something completely reckless and I hated the fact that it made me a bad person.

I bumped into Ben down the street from his house. Which, yes, sounds suspiciously like I was stalking him and trying my best to run into him … that would be a correct assumption to make. I wasn’t sure what else to do. He’d stopped answering my emails, calls and texts when I’d turned a bit psycho in an email to him. Okay, it was several emails in the space of a few hours, but I hadn’t meant to, I was just so frustrated by the whole thing and emotionally drained. Seeing as Ben was the only person who knew the full extent of my life’s current affairs (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean) it seemed like he was the only one I could vent to. I was taking every ounce of anger I’d been feeling out on Ben thanks to the guilt that had decided to rear its ugly head, making me unable to vent such frustrations at Robert – even though he’d started the whole thing. How pathetic does that sound?!

The way I’d acted towards Ben was unfair and I regretted the emails straight away. He eventually sent a lovely reply back – he didn’t just leave me in silence to hate myself (although he didn’t relieve me of my torment for a whole twenty-seven hours and nineteen minutes), saying he completely understood and that all he wanted was for us both to be happy. It was the few days of silence that he followed that up with that led me to engineer seeing him that morning! I knew he was avoiding me and it’s fair to say it was starting to make me go a little mad. So, one Thursday morning, when I knew he’d be heading for a lecture, I accidentally-on-purpose made sure I was walking in the opposite direction and that we would inevitably collide into each other at some point. I spotted his bouncing walk from quite a distance; it created a wave of affection and brought a smile to my lips, something I wasn’t prepared for. He noticed me a few hundred yards away and continued to walk towards me. I took that for a good sign. As he got nearer I saw he was smiling, and the butterflies inside me went berserk.

‘Hey, you,’ he said casually as he got closer.

‘Hey …’

Stopping when he was yards away from me, Ben rocked backwards and forwards on his feet in uncertainty, no doubt wondering what I was doing springing the surprise visit on him. Stupidly I hadn’t planned what to do after bumping into him, which led to me looking like a complete idiot as I became tongue-tied. I knew he’d been ignoring me; I had just wanted to see him and check everything was okay. Force him into making some sort of interaction with me, but instead, I knew he felt cornered. Ben hated any kind of confrontation, always had.

The silence between us spoke volumes. It was one of those moments where subtext and body language said everything where words failed. I felt aware of every part of my body and ridiculously aware of his. The way he licked his upper lip with the tip of his tongue, ran his fingers through his thick hair and gave it a tousle, the way his eyes focused on mine briefly before looking down at the ground. The connection sent a bolt of unexpected pleasure through me as it instantly transported me back to his bedroom, back to his bed, back to the way he’d looked at me with fresh eyes – back to his secret smile.

Being so close to Ben was far more charged and awkward than I had expected, creating an astounding amount of conflict within me. I immediately wished I wasn’t there and reprimanded myself for manipulating the ambush … but then, a large part of me wished I could just go up and kiss him. That it was my tongue licking his lips, my fingers running through his hair – and that we were back in his bed, picking up where we’d left off. I winced at those thoughts and wondered why my brain was so quick to betray Robert, the guy I was supposed to love with all my heart. The one I was trying to forgive.