I know you said about me jumping back into bed with Robert, but deep down you must have realized that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t have done that. We didn’t. We haven’t. And the reason for that was because I’ve not been able to get you and me out of my head.
Ben, you know I love Robert. I’ve been with him for five years, and have known him for as long as I’ve known you. He completely fell apart in front of me, something I wasn’t expecting (you know he’s usually so strong) and that threw me. I was prepared to hate him for what he’d done but when he was stood in front of me like that I faltered. I couldn’t hurt him further when I could see how much agony he was in. Even when he left I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. It wasn’t as simple as I forgave him, forgot about you and we moved on to a happy-ever-after existence. I was coming to find you the other day to talk it all through with you, to try and make things clearer in my head. For me, there was still a big chance of you and me being together, or at least of talking and seeing what the possibilities were. I’d thought about it, a lot. But then I bumped into Roger. I felt crushed.
After seeing you yesterday, and hearing what you had to say, I called Robert and told him I was ready to put what he’d done behind us and move on. I was surprised that I’d done it when I put the phone down, but, if I’m honest, I only did it because I was angry with you. I still don’t know what I want. It’s all so raw still.
You’re saying you want to move forward as though nothing has happened between us. After years of hiding your feelings you’re certainly being very quick to brush them aside, as though they weren’t as important to you as you proclaimed. Why are you giving up so easily, Ben?
I really don’t know what to say to make all this better. You’re my best friend and a huge part of my life. Can we meet up and talk? Go for a drink, or a walk, or something? Anything?
Deflated. That would be my one word right now.
I love you, Ben. Always have, always will.
Maddy xoxo
I was in my bedroom working when the email pinged through. Reading it caused me to drop everything I was doing, to get up, walk outside and go for a mammoth bike ride. I was out for hours, trying to process my different thoughts and emotions – each of them conflicting with the next.
I waited a few days before I replied. Not because I was trying to hurt her or punish her in any way, I simply didn’t know what to respond with. Parts of her email angered me, while others made me sad.
None of it made me happy.
I sat in bed with my laptop on my knees trying to piece together some sort of response. All I wanted to tell her was that I loved her unconditionally, and that I would always be there waiting for her, but there was no point. She’d made her decision. Me harping on wasn’t going to help matters. In the end I typed out a response in seconds and sent it before my heart had time to process its true feelings.
There’s nothing to sort out, Maddy. I love you, but you’re with Robert. It’s that simple. I’ll always be your friend, you know that.
Even I was disappointed with myself and my seeming lack of effort.
She replied within minutes.
It’s not that simple and you know it! I love you too! I know some people don’t believe that you can love two people at the same time – but I’m starting to think you can! You can and it’s an awful feeling, because no matter what you decide to do about it you’re always going to hurt someone.
And thanks for the short email. What about everything else I said?
My fingers hastily ran away from me as I typed a response straight away, against my better judgement.
Maddy, what do you want from me? You and Robert have shared five years together as a couple – we’ve had one night. Therefore you chose him. There’s nothing I can do to change those facts, all I can say is I get it. I understand. What more do you want? My blessing? If so, you have it. Being in love with two people? Perhaps you’re just saying it to flatter me. As it’s only been five days I hope you’ll be able to fall out of love as quickly as you fell in it. That should clear you of your woes.
As for you being another notch on my bedpost – how many girls do you seriously think I’ve slept with? Do you honestly think I treat girls in that way? You know me better than anyone so I’ll try my best not to be offended.
I got with Alice that night because I felt like it and because you didn’t give me any other option. Actions speak louder than words – yes, you’re right. They do. Which is why Robert and you being together on Saturday spoke volumes. Instead of kicking him out, he stayed there and you talked things through – leading to him calling me! You could’ve given me some warning. In many ways it was the catalyst for the rest of the night. If it appears that I’ve brushed away any feelings then it’s because someone handed me the broom. Not that I’m trying to lay blame on anyone else.