‘It’s not that simple …’ is all she managed before trailing off.
‘From where I’m sat, it really is,’ I said calmly.
‘But I love you …’ she mumbled as a tear escaped and fell onto her lap.
Her words gave me little pleasure.
‘Did you tell him?’
‘Of course not. I wouldn’t …’ she said, shaking her head, a sob rising from her mouth.
I took hold of her hand then, I couldn’t resist it, my thumb rubbed the back of it.
In return she squeezed my hand.
Three times.
The gesture shocked me. Rebuked me into pulling my hands away.
‘Maddy,’ I sighed, my patience wavering slightly. ‘I don’t know what you want from me. You know how I feel. I opened up to you, finally told you everything I’ve ever wanted to say, but you’re back with Robert. You clearly don’t feel that love back.’
‘But I do!’
‘You have a boyfriend.’
‘And?’
‘That’s a pretty big “and” right there.’
‘Are you going to see her again?’
‘Who? Alice? I dunno, I hadn’t thought about it. I might. Why not?’ I shrugged, confused as to why she was bringing up Alice – it seemed insignificant in the circumstances.
Defiantly, I wondered why there should even be a problem if I were to see Alice again. Maddy was back with Robert, leaving me on my own, once again. It seemed unfair that I’d be doomed to watching the two of them all loved up as though nothing had happened. Surely, I told myself, it was time for me to have someone of my own – someone to stop me from focusing on what I couldn’t have.
‘Right …’
‘It makes no sense to just hang around, you know?’
‘Yeah …’
‘Now I know where I stand with you, that is,’ I said. I loitered on that sentence for a while, offering a spot for her to interject and protest, but she didn’t. I ploughed on. ‘To be honest, Maddy, for the sake of our friendship and for Robert, I kind of think we should just forget it ever happened. It was only one night after all. We can put it all down to the drink and heightened emotions.’
The expression on her face as she looked up at me was one I’d never forget – one of shock, sorrow and disbelief. As though my words had literally slapped her across the face and simultaneously ripped out her heart.
‘If that’s what you want …’ she muttered, looking back down at her hands.
I shrugged in reply, hating myself as I did it, not fully understanding why I was pushing her away so viciously. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.
‘Oh …’ she looked as though she was going to say more, but decided against it.
My heart ached as she got up and walked away from me.
If only falling out of love was as easy as falling in it.
If only being with the girl I loved was as easy as all the songs on the radio insisted.
A day later the emails began. All the things that weren’t said, that maybe we couldn’t say face to face, written in safety from behind a computer screen. Saving us from having to speak the words out loud that we wouldn’t have had the courage to utter in person, although perhaps leading us to boldly say things that we otherwise wouldn’t have – the keyboard allowing us too much honesty, giving us too much bravado, making us forget ourselves.
Maddy sent the first one:
Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk, you made your feelings quite clear yesterday when you told me to just forget the whole thing, but I have to get some things off my chest. I want to talk about this, even if you apparently don’t. You might feel like acting as though it never happened, but I can’t just do that. Not straight away. I feel like I need to explain a few things first. I need you to understand me.
I want you to know how much the other night meant to me. Never in a millions years did I think you’d tell me you loved me, that I’d hear I’d been so blind to what was going on in your head for so long. I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, but that was a pretty big secret you’d been keeping. One second you were my trusted friend and then the next – BAM – something more. You were offering me possibilities I never knew existed, a love that was more wholesome and honest than I’d ever thought possible – it felt enchanting. It felt right.
Because of the feelings you stirred in me, I was shocked when I found out about you and Alice. I felt like it lessened the importance of our night together and it made me feel a bit cheap and just another ‘almost’ notch on your bedpost. Am I? I hope not. I just can’t get my head around how you can say you feel one way but then sleep with someone else straight away after. As they say, actions speak louder than words. Perhaps it’s a guy thing, but it’s not like you to do something so shitty.