I was stumped.
I knew we were in dire need of a serious chat and that being with her again was going to be gut-wrenching, but I hadn’t expected that curveball to be thrown into the mix. I was thinking it would be more of an explanation from her as to what had happened after she’d left mine and ran back into Robert’s arms, forgetting that I even existed, along with some kind of apology – or possibly even making sure I wasn’t about to tell Robert about that night now that they were staying together, just in case the guilt ever got hold of me and made me want to confess all. Those were the two scenarios that had run through my head as possible first conversations post ‘that night’. Alice hadn’t factored into it at all.
‘Erm …’
‘No point denying it. I’ve just bumped into him.’
‘Who?’
‘Roger.’
‘Right.’
‘Have you known her long?’ she asked briskly, her tone thick with spite – I’d never heard her voice sound like that before, it was startling.
‘No, I’ve just seen her around a few times. We’ve never actually spoken before,’ I shrugged, suddenly feeling like a kid being reprimanded by their mother.
‘Good to know she’s someone you really care about,’ she said sarcastically. ‘Do you remember texting me?’
‘No.’
‘Well you did, telling me how much you loved me. Actually, I’m surprised you could bring yourself to tell me that while you were with her – I never knew you were such a multi-tasker,’ she cackled.
I shifted uncomfortably. I did remember contacting her. I was still in the pub at that point. I’d been in the middle of sending my fifth and final message when Roger had called. I probably wouldn’t have answered the call otherwise, but I’d picked it up by accident. I could also remember the drunken voicemail I’d left as I stumbled through town on my way to his house. They were all messages declaring my love, but I’d been unable to hide my sorrow in them, or my disappointment – luckily I couldn’t remember exactly what I’d said. I was embarrassed enough at having contacted her so desperately.
‘At least I know why you’ve been ignoring my calls since,’ she added.
‘Maddy, I’m sor –’
‘And to think I actually believed you,’ she interrupted, her eyes squinting at me in disbelief.
‘Stop it,’ I begged.
‘That I told you I loved you, that we almost …’ She hesitated as she once again glanced around the room. ‘… slept together. You told me you loved me.’
‘I do.’
‘So what happened?’
‘What do you think happened?’
‘Wow. I meant that much to you that within twenty-four hours you were sticking your cock into someone else.’
‘Maddy!’ I was shocked by the vulgarity of her tone, the explicitness of her language and the anger raging within her – wasn’t I meant to be the angry one in that situation? Wasn’t it me who had been royally screwed over by her?
‘What happened? Once you got all those feelings out, you decided you didn’t care as much as you thought you had? Or was I that much of a disappointment when you finally got me naked?’ Her eyes bored into me, demanding a response. ‘Well?’
I had nothing to give – no reason and no excuse.
‘You’ve made a fool of me, Ben.’
‘I haven’t,’ I protested, shaking my head at her words.
‘You’ve made me feel like a complete mug. There I was thinking about you, about us, thinking about how we might be able to make this work, while all the time you were in bed with –’
‘No, there you were, reconciling with Robert, Maddy. Don’t try and play the martyr here, because you’re really not,’ I spat, taking the bait and allowing myself to be riled. ‘So let’s talk about that, shall we? Let’s talk about how hours after you left me in my bed you were patching things up with Robert.’
She brought her hands up to her face in horror, her bullish façade slipping as tears sprang to her eyes. She shook her head profusely.
‘I was trying to think things through,’ she said helplessly.
‘By getting back with Robert?’ I scoffed.
‘I didn’t know what to do.’
‘Seems like you made up your mind pretty quickly to me. It didn’t take you long to forgive him.’
‘I didn’t …’
I sat silently as she tried to piece together her words. I couldn’t look her in the eye. Instead, I focused on her hands in her lap, her fingers wriggling in discomfort, wringing the loose material on her skirt. She looked lost. All I wanted to do was embrace her and take that feeling away. In all our years of friendship I’d never been the cause of Maddy’s tears, I’d always been the one to mop them up and make her feel better. It was agonizing to sit and watch her struggle.